"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Showing posts with label weight loss surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss surgery. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

My Surgery and Recovery Story

My Surgery and Recovery Story

I wanted to share my story with others because my recovery involved complications.  First I want to say that bariatric surgery--of any kind--is NOT the easy way out.  It is a difficult road, and you still have to do all the work.  Yes, it is an invaluable tool for weightloss.  The surgery gives you time to set up good, healthy eating habits.  It causes restriction on the amount of food you can eat, helping you control your portions.  You get full very easily.  You lose weight fairly quickly at the beginning, which gives you encouragement and belief in yourself that you can do this.  I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing this tool is.  But it is not easy.  I still struggle with the desire for food--for that quick fix for everything.  Food was my coping mechanism, my way of feeling whole and satisfied in every way possible.  I can no longer turn to food for that fulfillment.  I have to turn down types of foods that I really enjoy because I know they are not a healthy choice for me, or because I know I will have trouble controlling my eating.

With that said, let me tell you my story…

I had researched bariatric surgery for 2-3 years before my surgery date.  I even did Ideal Protein for a number of months as my kind of last chance with diets.  I had to save up my own money for the surgery since my insurance specifically excludes bariatric surgery.  I read books, articles (scientific and personal), and read through blogs and forums for information.  I did my homework.  I attended information sessions at the hospital and at the surgeon’s office.  I know two other women in my circle of acquaintances who have had the vertical sleeve.  I asked questions and put together an information binder for myself.  I saved and I planned.

Once I had the funds I made my consultation appointment with my chosen surgeon.  Let me point out here that I researched my surgeon too.  I chose one who was well-known and respected.  I chose him because he was a Surgeon of Excellence with the Bariatric Board, and also because his office offered BLIS insurance for self-pay patients.  I should also point out that if you’re self-pay, the process is a lot faster.  I could have had my surgery within a few weeks of that initial consult, but I chose to wait until after our family vacation last July.

I had no issues with anything leading up to the surgery.  I had all my appointments and tests and there were no issues.  I also didn’t have too much difficulty with my two-week pre-op diet.  It lacked variety, which kind of sucked, but I was also excited about the surgery so I was able to get past it.  I told only my closest family and my boss about the surgery.  I only told one friend in advance because I knew she wouldn’t judge me.  I didn’t tell any of my co-workers.  I was trying to avoid any negativity going into the surgery.  I did intend to be absolutely honest about my weight loss once people started asking questions.  I planned to tell people about the surgery--I’m not ashamed of it.  It’s a personal decision and I absolutely understand why some people choose to be a little less than honest about how they lost weight.

So I had my vertical sleeve gastrectomy on August 31, 2015.  The surgery went fine with no initial complications.  I stayed overnight in the hospital.  Yes, there was pain that first night.  It was not fun to get up out of the bed to pee or go for a walk.  But I eventually managed to do both.  I was released the next day and went home to recover.  I think everything for me was pretty normal that first week.  I tried to walk a little every day--even if it was just around the house or up and down the driveway.

Monday, September 7, was Labor Day Holiday, but I did return to work the following day on Tuesday, September 8--only one week after I went home from the hospital.  I took it easy those four days and I was super tired.  The recommendation for recovery is 2-4 weeks, but I have a tendency to return to work early.  I didn’t want to use up all my leave and I figured if I didn’t feel well then my boss might allow me to work a little from home.  I always worry about taking advantage.  I did okay that week too.  I didn’t really notice any problems.  I was pretty exhausted, but that’s to be expected with so little calories and a liquid only diet.

That weekend I started feeling kind of bad.  I felt really tired and I had a bit of a stomach ache.  I returned to work on Monday and just felt kind of blah.  Tuesday I called in sick.  When I was getting ready for work that morning I had felt a horrible muscle cramping near my stomach--I almost fainted from the pain and panic.  I told my boss that I think maybe I had overdone it.  My husband had to drop something off at work for me and he spoke to my boss about my being worried about missing any more work.  My boss commanded that I take off the rest of the week to recover.  Have I mentioned that I have a fabulous boss?  I also called my surgeon because by that point I was not getting in all my fluids.  I would feel overfull from just a sip and I felt yucky.  My surgeon suggested that it was probably just a cramp from where they stitch the muscle from the surgery, but he also suggested that I could go to the ER to have it checked out just in case.  The ER he recommended was a hospital about an hour from where I live because he is a surgeon there plus they accept the BLIS insurance.  He didn’t seem terribly concerned and I held off.  I figured that I had just overdone it and just needed some rest.  Plus I wasn’t sure how I could get there.  My husband and I share a car and he had to work that week.  So I just waited.

By Friday there was no improvement and my surgeon called me back to see if I was any better.  When I told him no, he highly recommended that I go to the ER that day--preferably before noon so he could look in on me.  I started feeling a little concerned, but at the same time I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.  My husband was at work and wouldn’t be home until early evening.  My mom was working and although she’s flexible I knew she had planned to leave work early that day to drive out of town to babysit my niece and nephew.  When I talked to my mom, though, she expressed worry and offered to take me.  At first I turned her down, thinking I would wait until she got home on Saturday or Sunday.  Then I gave myself a quick kick to the pants and called my mom back.  I knew that I wasn’t feeling well and was probably dehydrated.  It would be a bad idea to wait a couple more days.

It was early afternoon when we arrived at the ER.  They took blood and sent me for a CT scan.  I waited a long time for the results--I think it took a few hours.  Then they told me they would be admitting me--the CT scan showed an abscess near my stomach.  The abscess was about the size of a softball.  No wonder I didn’t feel well!
The following six days were really pretty terrible.  I will try to remember the details of my complications as best I can, but so much happened.

They decided that they would do a CT-guided drain rather than open me up and do one surgically.  The thought was that with the CT, radiology could thread the drain tube in precisely where the abscess was.  Let me just say that this was excruciating.  Although there was some pain management for the procedure, I could feel everything and it was horrible.  I remember moaning and crying out in pain during the whole thing.  It was horrible--probably the worst experience of the whole situation and up there with my two or three top worst experiences in my life (and I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life!).  I could also hear the radiologist say something about what was coming out being brown.  All I could think in that moment of pain was that maybe they pierced my bowels.  I remember that something smelled off, but I was very out of it--I was totally wrapped in my pain at the time.  Well, they didn’t pierce my bowels.  The abscess was a hematoma--infected blood.  So that explains the dark color and the bad smell.  They drained what they could at the time and left in a drain for the rest.

When they wheeled me back into my room afterwards, I remember I could hear the voices of my family, but I just kept my eyes closed.  I couldn’t deal with them or with anything.  I moaned with pain.  I was in a lot of pain for a number of days following the drain.  During that hospital stay, one of my blood cultures came back positive for staph, so then they had to redo the cultures and I was put on some crazy antibiotics.  I was just miserable.  I didn’t sleep well.  I was in constant pain.  The pain meds didn’t last more than an hour or two.  They had to switch my i.v. because my vein started collapsing.  It was horrible.  I was miserable and I just wanted to go home.  I was told that with the staph I would need a central line and I’d have to be on i.v. antibiotics for 2-4 more weeks at home.  Well it turns out that the first culture was wrong--I didn’t have staph!  Yay!  I stayed in the hospital for six nights and was sent home.  I was told that I should feel better in a few days.

A few days later I was not feeling better.  I still felt horrible and really wasn’t having much to drink.  When my symptoms hadn’t really improved, my surgeon sent me back to the hospital for a CT scan with contrast.  I will pause here to express my dislike and fear of needles--especially i.v.’s.  I’m irrationally terrified of needles and my previous hospital stay had not helped my fear.  So I was freaked out a little about the contrast.  They went ahead and did an i.v. for it.  The scan came back that the abscess had returned :(  So the surgeon on-call came in and performed outpatient surgery on me that same evening to put in a drain laparoscopically.  I was disappointed and upset that they had to go back in and that I was still so far from being recovered, but at least I wasn’t being readmitted!  And I will say that although it sucks to have surgery of any kind, this was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay preferable to the CT-guided drain.  

I went home and was told to expect to feel better in a few days.  Once again I wasn’t recovering like I was supposed to.  Six days after the drain was put in, I saw my surgeon for a check-up and he was concerned.  He didn’t like the color or the amount of stuff draining.  Plus, I still wasn’t getting in the fluids that I needed and I still wasn’t feeling well.  They had me wait at my surgeon’s office while the hospital prepared a bed for me to be admitted.  I was in tears and horribly upset.  I had had such a bad experience during my last stay, and I just didn’t seem to be getting better.  I was admitted to the hospital.  This time the CT scan showed that not only did I still have fluid draining, but now I had a small stomach leak.  When you have a stomach leak after bariatric surgery, they can’t just go in and stitch it up--your new stomach won’t hold stitches well.  So instead they decided they would put a stent in my stomach to stop the leak and to protect the stomach while it healed.  In the meantime, a nurse showed up at my room to pick me up for a central line.  I totally freaked out!  I’ve mentioned my absolute fear of needles and this was a much crazier i.v.--in my neck!  I was terrified and I had a total meltdown.  They backed off immediately.  It seems that they thought I had been informed about the procedure when I had not.  I calmed down and even spoke to my sister-in-law (an ob/gyn) who explained what a central line was and why it would be beneficial for me.  Not only could they “feed” me proteins and fats, but it would mean that they could draw blood without my regular i.v.!  That means no more collapsing veins!  So I calmed down and told them I was willing.  They still held off another day--I think I scared them with my freak out.

That stay was the longer stay.  They put in the stent and I was on the central line.  Let me say now that the central line was awesome.  My pain meds would go through so fast!  I would be asleep before they even finished putting the meds in the central line.  Plus they were able to give me vitamins, fats and proteins so I was finally getting some nutrition!  I think my only problem at that point was that I felt pretty nauseous from the stent.  By the end of the stay they also had to remove the central line (which was a little scary too).  My veins would burn when they’d give me pain meds.  So by the time I left the hospital, I was ready to go home.  I honestly don’t remember how long I stayed at the hospital that time.  I think it was about 10 days, but it may have been more like 12 when I look at the calendar.

I finally had my final CT scan a couple of weeks later and it came back clear!  It was such a relief!  Once the drain was out, I started feeling better and could finally start eating.  I stayed home another couple of weeks and then returned to work.

It was an interesting and difficult journey.  I did not expect complications when I went into this surgery.  I just assumed I’d make it through okay.  And I was lucky that I did okay considering the complications I had.  That original abscess could easily have killed me.  I feel incredibly lucky.  I am also very thankful for everyone who supported me during the whole damn thing.  I have even made “Gratitude” my word going into 2016.  I have written lots of thank you notes and created gratitude gifts for everyone who stood by me.  I think that I have put so much of myself into becoming healthy in part due to the horrible experiences I went through.  It’s even more important to me that I not waste this opportunity to be healthy.

I will write again soon about my weight loss and what I’ve been doing.

Friday, September 11, 2015

First Post-Op Appointment

Yesterday was my first post-op appointment with my surgeon.  It was very brief and to the point.  I guess that's the thing when you deliberately choose a surgeon for being one of the best surgeons without caring about his/her personality or bedside manner.  He's very efficient, but that doesn't leave a lot of room or time for coddling me.  I'm actually okay with that.  I had a brief fight with cancer five years ago and I was glad to have the best surgeon.  I never saw him smile until my very last visit with him post-op.  I didn't mind sacrificing warm, fuzzy feelings for cold, clinical ability.

Anyways...  the appointment went well.  I weighed in and was given a sheet that explained what I could expect between now and the next appointment.  Then I spoke to my surgeon for a few minutes, he made sure I was doing okay and asked if I had any questions.  I really didn't.  I've been researching this surgery for two+ years now so I could probably be a coach for it.  And that was it.  It was probably my quickest doctor appointment ever.

And here are the stats:

Weight 234.5 lb   (down from 254 @ my initial consult)
BMI  42.9     (down from 46.5 @ my initial consult)
Fat %  48.3%    (down from 50.5%)
Fat Mass  113.5 lb   (down from 128.51)
FFM  121.0 lb

So there you have it!  I'm hoping to take some pics this weekend and post them.  I can tell I've lost weight by looking at my face, and also along my upper torso.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Surgery Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning!  


I finished my two week pre-op diet yesterday.  This morning I was able to have a light breakfast, but now I am on clear liquids for the rest of the day.  I can drink until midnight and then nothing until I come out on the other side.


I’m excited and nervous.  I’m honestly trying not to think about it.  I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to worry.  There is nothing I can do to make the time go by faster, and there’s nothing else to do but to do it.  I am no stranger to surgeries, and what I have found that helps me is for me to distract myself as much as possible the day before.  I like to watch movies or tv and just stay busy.  I also tend to stay up late.  I know I will have a hard time sleeping, plus it doesn’t really matter if I’m tired tomorrow.  I will be sleeping a lot for recovery, so let me be tired!  


This is it.  This is really happening.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I think I feel ready.  I mean how ready can you actually be?  But I am as ready as I think I can be.  This is it.  My life totally changes beginning tomorrow morning.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

My Chosen Arsenal

I’ve slowly been working on purchasing some things to help make my life easier after the surgery.  These are tools to help me as I work on changing my eating habits.


Small Plates


I have gotten some tiny appetizer plates and then some dessert/salad plates.  I wanted pretty plates so I can feel they are special.  With smaller plates, the amount of food I eat will take up more room and won’t leave the plate looking empty…




Small Utensils


Same sort of idea here.  With tiny forks and spoons, I won’t be able to eat as much.  This will help me with portion control.  I bought some appetizer forks and spoons since I wasn’t able to find toddler utensils I liked.




Small Containers


For my meals.




Plastic Jello Shot Containers


I wanted some really small containers for when I’m early post-op.  I plan to use these to help me figure out what I can eat in a meal to start with.  I may also use them to keep track of my water intake.  I might set up goals for my water--like one of these every 30 minutes throughout the day.  I liked the jello shot ones because they were the right size, and they have lids!



I also bought some protein powder and ready to drink protein drinks to have on hand.  I will need to get some sugar-free popsicles and broth before my surgery.  Things are moving forward!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Doubts About Myself

I have to be honest that I'm feeling a little scared and nervous.  I am not second-guessing my decision; I still want this.  I don't even think I'm really craving food or anything either.  I think I'm just scared.  What if I don't succeed?  What if I can't do this?

I really think it will be okay.  I think it will be hard, but I am capable and I can do this.  I guess I'm scared of the unknown.  And what will I do with myself?  What will I reach for when I can't reach for food?  Who am I?  What will I become?  Will I like me?  Will others like me?

I don't allow myself to be bored or to look at things too closely.  What will happen when I see clearly?

It will be okay.  I will be okay.  And it's healthy that I have doubts and fears.  I need to remind myself that it's okay to feel.  It's okay to feel.  Discomfort is normal and natural.  I will be okay.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Counting Down: One Week + One Day

My surgery is one week from tomorrow--which means I have been on my pre-op diet for one week.  I’m trying hard not to weigh in so that my surgery weigh-in can be a surprise. I totally admit that I have weighed myself multiple times this week.


My starting weight on 8/16/2015 was 255.2

This morning my weight is 247.3!!!


LilySlim Weight loss tickers

Friday, August 21, 2015

Pre-Op Testing Appointment

So one of the hurdles you have to jump through prior to bariatric surgery is a pre-op appointment.  There are different requirements depending on insurance and on your surgeon.  My appointment went like this...

First, I met with someone who got my information and i.d.--if I had been using insurance that would have been part of it too.

Part two was to meet with the pre-op nurse.  We went through what I need to do the night before and the morning of surgery.  She talked a little about the recovery room and what the overnight and release would be like.

Part three was to have my ekg, blood work and urine sample.  I'm a total ninny when it comes to needles so the build up to that was not so awesome, but overall things went very smoothly.

Part four was to meet with the hospital dietitian.  We really just went over the information that my surgeon's office had already given me.  I didn't really learn anything new here.

Part five was a chest x-ray.

Then we had a bit of time to kill before I had to see a physician at another clinic to get my surgical clearance.  Luckily they were able to see me a little early.

And...  that's it.  I'm cleared for the surgery!  No more hurdles.  Now I just stay on the pre-op diet and count down the days until my surgery!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Telling My Boss

Today I told my boss about the surgery.  I had already asked off of work for that week, but I wanted to wait until closer to the date before I told her about the surgery.  She was actually really cool about it.  She was supportive and even asked me to keep her updated and spill all the details once I have it done.  She may be interested in the surgery herself one day.


So I feel so relieved.  I hate missing work--especially for surgery.  One of my co-workers took off months and months following a surgery a couple of years ago.  My co-worker misses work on a fairly regular basis, and I don’t want the comparison.  I want to make sure I am doing my work and that I’m dependable even when I’m dealing with medical issues.


I have been so humbled by all the fabulous reactions to my surgery news.  Granted, I made sure to tell only the people I trust the most.  But I was still expecting some people to react negatively out of worry.  Honestly, everyone has been terrific.  I know this will probably not be the case when other people find out.  I’m not sure how my Dad will react or how some of my co-workers and other friends will behave.  Maybe I will have good luck and not have to deal with negativity and judgement.  Most likely I will still have to deal with some people being assholes.  

I am so excited about this surgery.  I think I have waited for so long now… and it’s finally just around the corner.  I wouldn’t let myself believe that it was finally happening, but it is!  And it’s almost here!  I’m ready to kick ass and take names!

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Counting Down

Two Weeks + One Day!


My surgery will be two weeks from tomorrow!!!  Which means I began my pre-op diet this morning!


So far I feel fine, but I predict headaches tomorrow.  I know from being on Ideal Protein in the past, days two and three are the worst when you are going low carb--that’s when the headaches come :(


My surgeon gave me OptiFast meals for my pre-op diet. Here is my basic meal plan for the next two weeks:
Protein shake mix
Ready to drink shake
Protein bar
Protein shake mix
Soup mix


No caffeine, no carbonation, no sugary drinks


Drink 64+ oz of water every day


Try to walk a little every day

I am sooooooooooooooooooo close!

Pre-Op Diet Statistics

Here are my statistics for this morning as I begin my pre-op diet:

Weight 255.2

Neck 16.2
Upper Arm 21.0
Wrist 7.5
Bust 51.0
Chest 44.5
Waist 50.1
Hips 55.5
Thigh 26.25
Calf 18.0


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Change In Surgery Date

Update:  My surgery date got bumped up!  I will be having my surgery on Monday, August 31 instead of September 1!  Yay!  One day closer.


That also means that I will start my pre-op diet one day earlier.

I need time to fly!

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Skipping the Food Funerals

Last night I had my first and last food funeral before my surgery.  I still have almost a week before I start my pre-op diet, so there is still time to eat "normal" food.  My husband and I wanted to eat at The Melting Pot one last time.  It has been one of our favorite restaurants for many years.  It's pretty damn expensive so unfortunately we only eat there once or twice per year for very special occasions.

We were incredibly disappointed with the food last night.  It almost seemed like they had changed management or something.  There was just something different and almost a little off about the whole meal.  Our cheese was good... but things went downhill from there.  The salad was smaller than usual and didn't have all the fixings--like no eggs or anything.  Same salad we always get.  Then the entree' meat--I was not a fan of my chicken.  It was super rubbery.  The shrimp was fine, so that was good.  Some of the dipping sauces were different too--like the spicy cocktail sauce and the green goddess.  They didn't seem as fresh as usual.  We left about 1/2 our entree uncooked and not eaten.

By the time we ordered dessert, we had kind of given up and just laughed about it all.  Here I was trying to have my last awesome experience at the Melting Pot, and they were totally underwhelming us.  For our chocolate, we always custom order a "Flaming Amaretto Meltdown"--it hasn't been on the menu in years, but we simply tell them it's white chocolate with amaretto, and then to light it up.  Our waiter poured WAY too much Everclear onto the chocolate.  There was so much Everclear that most of it did not burn off, and ultimately it was almost inedible.  You could only dip from the top, center of the chocolate--the sides and bottom were all Everclear.

The whole experience really brought me some clarity.  Food has been such an important part of my life--it has been my coping mechanism.  But to be totally honest, it doesn't usually live up to my expectations.  It isn't a friend.  It doesn't see me through my problems.  It just clouds everything and causes long-term problems.  I don't want it anymore.  In some ways, I wish I could give it up completely and never come face to face with it again.

I can live without this particular food.  I don't need to say goodbye to it or any other food.  I'm done with it.


... Now let's just hope that I keep that attitude for many years to come.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Counting Down: Three Weeks + One Day

It’s getting closer!!!  I start my pre-op diet one week from today.  Then it’s two weeks on my pre-op diet.  Then one day of liquids.  Then the surgery!!!


I am starting to get excited :)

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Psychological Evaluation

I had my psychological evaluation this morning.  I’m not sure what I was expecting.  I didn’t know if there would be an actual test, or if we would talk about things.


The psychologist was incredibly laid-back.  He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, and his full-sized poodle came to hang out with us while we talked.  I liked him--he was definitely not what I was expecting.  He had had the sleeve done five years ago and has kept nearly all of it off.  He mentioned that he had gained back a little because he let carbs back into his diet, but that he has gone back to being strict about the carbs and has lost back a good bit of what he had regained.


He just went over a few things with me--like what eating would be like and meals and portions.  He talked about how I would have to change my eating behaviors and that if I overate, it could make me feel bad or nauseous.  He also said that it’s possible to regain a good bit of weight if you eat carbs, especially bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

It’s all things I knew before, so I felt good about the appointment.  He told me I did fine and that I wasn’t crazy--or at least that I hid the crazy pretty well.  He was funny.  So there’s a hurdle out of the way!  Now I’m waiting to hear from the hospital to set my pre-op testing date, which is usually about 1-2 weeks before the surgery...

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Last Pre-Op Travel

This is my last physical journey before my surgery.   My last flight.  My last time trying to squeeze in airplane seats, trying not to allow my fat to ooze over onto the person sitting next to me.  My last time trying to walk to the airplane lavatory while squeezing down the narrow aisle and into the tiny restroom.  My last time to feel guilty that my weight and physical issues are keeping my family from being able to enjoy the trip.  My last time to burst into tears because I have to stop moving and just rest because I’m too overweight to keep going.  My last trip as a morbidly obese woman.


I will stay positive.  I will remind myself that I am moving in a direction of health, happiness, and freedom.  I will not regret what I cannot do this time around; instead I will embrace that I am beginning an even more exciting journey to my good health.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Counting Down: Four Weeks + One Day

I know it seems like an odd count down--4 weeks + 1 day until my surgery.  Although my surgery is in 4 weeks & a day, I will begin my pre-op diet in two weeks!  My pre-op diet lasts for two weeks and then I have a day of liquids before my surgery :)


The big day is coming!!!  So how am I feeling?  I’m feeling good.  I’ve actually noticed that I am getting so sick of food.  I get angry when my husband asks what I want to eat…  I don’t want to even think about food.  I just want to get it out of the way.  


Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’ve been cleaning up the house and organizing things.  I feel better when I come home to a clean house, so that will be a help.  I’ve also been cleaning out my fridge/freezer and pantry.

I created my little help book with positive messages and reminders.  I have read and re-read my instructions and other notes I’ve made about bariatric surgery and recovery.  I am as prepared as I feel I can be.  All-in-all, I feel good.  Four weeks and one day.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Slight Change In Plans

So there has been a small change--not exactly a setback.  I was scheduled to have my surgery on August 31 at Woman’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, but we have had to change it to Cypress Pointe in Hammond on September 1.  Although I have saved up the vast majority of the cost, I am planning to finance a small part of the surgery.  Unfortunately, Woman’s Hospital will not accept Care Credit so I have to change hospitals.


I am a little disappointed.  I had both my children at Woman’s as well as my hysterectomy.  I know and trust Woman’s.  Plus, they have a full program--nutritionist, physical therapist, and support group.  I am eager to have the surgery, however, and really don’t want to wait to save up the additional funds.  I have everything planned and ready to go.  I don’t want to have to wait until Christmas to do this.  So I am allowing the change of venue.  

I normally react to change badly, and I’ve had to really examine what’s important to me in all of this.  I want this done and soon, but I don’t want to rush into anything that may be worse for me.  Ultimately, I know that my surgeon is trusted and highly rated.  If he chooses to use Cypress Pointe, it should not affect the quality of my surgery experience.  So I’m letting it go and allowing myself to move forward.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Affirmation Of My Decision

I have not wavered from my plan to have bariatric surgery.  I have been very aware of my decision and the consequences.  I think about it every time I eat.  I ask myself if I can live without the particular food I’m eating and if I will miss it.  My mom gets stressed out when I talk about not being able to eat my trigger foods ever again.  I reassure her that I may be able to eat them in very tiny portions as long as they are no longer trigger foods for me.  But if eating a bite of bread or cake makes me want more…  then it will have to be out of my life forever.  And I’m okay with that.

My husband and I went on a short vacation together.  We went to a bed and breakfast in Florida.  This is our third year of going.  It’s always lovely and relaxing.  I enjoyed it, but by the third day I was having trouble walking to the beach.  We went out to walk the beach at night, but I could barely walk across the street to get to the beach.  It made me so sad.  We had originally planned to get up early the next morning to swim in the ocean one last time before heading home.  We had to change our plans because I couldn’t manage it.  I’m too fat and out of shape.  My knees cause me all kinds of problems.

I have to have this surgery.  I am morbidly obese.  My obesity has a massive effect on my life.  I have to plan around my weight.  I am so sick of food and the hold it has over me.  I need this tool to help me get back to being the person I really am.  I want to be active.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to walk on the beach and fit in a seat on an airline or in a theatre.  I want to spend less time worrying about what we’re going to eat.  I want to be able to go for a bike ride or hike.  I want to be able to dance.  I want to live a full life.  I don’t want to die prematurely.  I want to live to see my grandchildren and be able to enjoy my time with them.  

This is happening.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Pre-Op Reactions

I’ve been hesitant to tell people about the surgery before the surgery.  I want to be upfront and honest about my weight loss, but there’s still a part of me that fears how other people will react and treat me.  Will they say that I’m taking the “easy way out”?

I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone before the surgery other than my husband and my kids.  I thought I would tell my mom, but that I would wait until a week before the surgery.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell my boss.

I decided to tell my mom.  She was actually pretty good about it.  She wasn’t judgmental and she didn’t overwhelm me with her worries.  She does have concerns, but overall she understands that I have been researching this and thinking about it for a couple of years now.  I think her biggest worry is that I may be giving up some foods permanently.  She doesn’t like that idea.  She also worries about family get-togethers since they are usually heavily based around a meal or food.

I also decided to tell one of my friends.  I know that she has struggled with food, but she is doing extremely well right now.  She did Ideal Protein in the past and looks fabulous.  She was super supportive and very excited for me!

Today I reached out to my sister-in-law who is a doctor.  I had brought the idea up to her about a year ago and I felt like I got a really negative reaction.  One of her friends has a lap-band, and has not been very successful.  The friend with the lap-band will sometimes eat foods and then purposely vomit so she can eat off limit foods.  Obviously that isn’t a healthy way to handle it.  So I felt that my sis-in-law was skeptical in the past.  So I emailed her and told her about my decision and offered that I’d be happy to answer any questions.  She was also super supportive!  She asked about my surgeon and making sure I would have post-op support.  Yay!

I still need to work up the courage to tell my Dad.  He is a guy who believes in will-power.  So I’m worried he will think it’s a bad idea.  But who knows, he may surprise me.  If not, then I know he will eventually come around when he sees me healthy and happy.

I will also tell my boss.  I want her to know in case there are any complications and in case I end up needing to take more time off.  I’m hoping I can work from home for a couple of days towards the end of the week I’m home.

So far, so good on the reactions.  Let’s hope people continue being so supportive!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Will I miss this?

One thing that some weight loss surgery patients do before surgery is have a food funeral.  The idea is that you are saying goodbye to the foods you love that you will no longer be able to eat.  Even some surgeons encourage you to go out and enjoy one last amazing meal.

I'm not sure if I will do a food funeral.  I understand the purpose, and I think in some ways that closure would be helpful.  I don't think that I would want to mess up my pre-op diet just to be able to eat those foods one more time.  What do those foods really mean to me?  Are they that important in my life?  There are plenty of arguments either way.  Some people stay strictly to their pre-op diets and lose some or a lot of weight before the surgery.  Others cheat on the diet and go all out with eating before surgery.  There is no right or wrong here.  We are all just trying to survive and then heal.

Since I have a number of months before my surgery can take place, I have really been examining a lot of my feelings and habits surrounding food.  I haven't changed very many of my habits yet, but I think this step is really important too.  I need to understand my own relationship with food.  I think that will be a key to success for me.

Eat time I've eaten at a restaurant or fast food lately, I have asked myself, "Is this something I can eat after surgery?  Is there anything on the menu I like that I can eat after surgery?  Will I honestly miss this food?  Is this food something I can live without?"  The answers have been interesting.  There is nothing I've eaten that I can't live without.  I may miss the foods a little, but my desire to have them does not outweigh my desire to be healthy.  I want to be healthy; I want to feel good.  There is nothing I have eaten that makes me question my decision to have weight loss surgery.