"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Showing posts with label WLS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WLS. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

My Surgery and Recovery Story

My Surgery and Recovery Story

I wanted to share my story with others because my recovery involved complications.  First I want to say that bariatric surgery--of any kind--is NOT the easy way out.  It is a difficult road, and you still have to do all the work.  Yes, it is an invaluable tool for weightloss.  The surgery gives you time to set up good, healthy eating habits.  It causes restriction on the amount of food you can eat, helping you control your portions.  You get full very easily.  You lose weight fairly quickly at the beginning, which gives you encouragement and belief in yourself that you can do this.  I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing this tool is.  But it is not easy.  I still struggle with the desire for food--for that quick fix for everything.  Food was my coping mechanism, my way of feeling whole and satisfied in every way possible.  I can no longer turn to food for that fulfillment.  I have to turn down types of foods that I really enjoy because I know they are not a healthy choice for me, or because I know I will have trouble controlling my eating.

With that said, let me tell you my story…

I had researched bariatric surgery for 2-3 years before my surgery date.  I even did Ideal Protein for a number of months as my kind of last chance with diets.  I had to save up my own money for the surgery since my insurance specifically excludes bariatric surgery.  I read books, articles (scientific and personal), and read through blogs and forums for information.  I did my homework.  I attended information sessions at the hospital and at the surgeon’s office.  I know two other women in my circle of acquaintances who have had the vertical sleeve.  I asked questions and put together an information binder for myself.  I saved and I planned.

Once I had the funds I made my consultation appointment with my chosen surgeon.  Let me point out here that I researched my surgeon too.  I chose one who was well-known and respected.  I chose him because he was a Surgeon of Excellence with the Bariatric Board, and also because his office offered BLIS insurance for self-pay patients.  I should also point out that if you’re self-pay, the process is a lot faster.  I could have had my surgery within a few weeks of that initial consult, but I chose to wait until after our family vacation last July.

I had no issues with anything leading up to the surgery.  I had all my appointments and tests and there were no issues.  I also didn’t have too much difficulty with my two-week pre-op diet.  It lacked variety, which kind of sucked, but I was also excited about the surgery so I was able to get past it.  I told only my closest family and my boss about the surgery.  I only told one friend in advance because I knew she wouldn’t judge me.  I didn’t tell any of my co-workers.  I was trying to avoid any negativity going into the surgery.  I did intend to be absolutely honest about my weight loss once people started asking questions.  I planned to tell people about the surgery--I’m not ashamed of it.  It’s a personal decision and I absolutely understand why some people choose to be a little less than honest about how they lost weight.

So I had my vertical sleeve gastrectomy on August 31, 2015.  The surgery went fine with no initial complications.  I stayed overnight in the hospital.  Yes, there was pain that first night.  It was not fun to get up out of the bed to pee or go for a walk.  But I eventually managed to do both.  I was released the next day and went home to recover.  I think everything for me was pretty normal that first week.  I tried to walk a little every day--even if it was just around the house or up and down the driveway.

Monday, September 7, was Labor Day Holiday, but I did return to work the following day on Tuesday, September 8--only one week after I went home from the hospital.  I took it easy those four days and I was super tired.  The recommendation for recovery is 2-4 weeks, but I have a tendency to return to work early.  I didn’t want to use up all my leave and I figured if I didn’t feel well then my boss might allow me to work a little from home.  I always worry about taking advantage.  I did okay that week too.  I didn’t really notice any problems.  I was pretty exhausted, but that’s to be expected with so little calories and a liquid only diet.

That weekend I started feeling kind of bad.  I felt really tired and I had a bit of a stomach ache.  I returned to work on Monday and just felt kind of blah.  Tuesday I called in sick.  When I was getting ready for work that morning I had felt a horrible muscle cramping near my stomach--I almost fainted from the pain and panic.  I told my boss that I think maybe I had overdone it.  My husband had to drop something off at work for me and he spoke to my boss about my being worried about missing any more work.  My boss commanded that I take off the rest of the week to recover.  Have I mentioned that I have a fabulous boss?  I also called my surgeon because by that point I was not getting in all my fluids.  I would feel overfull from just a sip and I felt yucky.  My surgeon suggested that it was probably just a cramp from where they stitch the muscle from the surgery, but he also suggested that I could go to the ER to have it checked out just in case.  The ER he recommended was a hospital about an hour from where I live because he is a surgeon there plus they accept the BLIS insurance.  He didn’t seem terribly concerned and I held off.  I figured that I had just overdone it and just needed some rest.  Plus I wasn’t sure how I could get there.  My husband and I share a car and he had to work that week.  So I just waited.

By Friday there was no improvement and my surgeon called me back to see if I was any better.  When I told him no, he highly recommended that I go to the ER that day--preferably before noon so he could look in on me.  I started feeling a little concerned, but at the same time I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.  My husband was at work and wouldn’t be home until early evening.  My mom was working and although she’s flexible I knew she had planned to leave work early that day to drive out of town to babysit my niece and nephew.  When I talked to my mom, though, she expressed worry and offered to take me.  At first I turned her down, thinking I would wait until she got home on Saturday or Sunday.  Then I gave myself a quick kick to the pants and called my mom back.  I knew that I wasn’t feeling well and was probably dehydrated.  It would be a bad idea to wait a couple more days.

It was early afternoon when we arrived at the ER.  They took blood and sent me for a CT scan.  I waited a long time for the results--I think it took a few hours.  Then they told me they would be admitting me--the CT scan showed an abscess near my stomach.  The abscess was about the size of a softball.  No wonder I didn’t feel well!
The following six days were really pretty terrible.  I will try to remember the details of my complications as best I can, but so much happened.

They decided that they would do a CT-guided drain rather than open me up and do one surgically.  The thought was that with the CT, radiology could thread the drain tube in precisely where the abscess was.  Let me just say that this was excruciating.  Although there was some pain management for the procedure, I could feel everything and it was horrible.  I remember moaning and crying out in pain during the whole thing.  It was horrible--probably the worst experience of the whole situation and up there with my two or three top worst experiences in my life (and I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life!).  I could also hear the radiologist say something about what was coming out being brown.  All I could think in that moment of pain was that maybe they pierced my bowels.  I remember that something smelled off, but I was very out of it--I was totally wrapped in my pain at the time.  Well, they didn’t pierce my bowels.  The abscess was a hematoma--infected blood.  So that explains the dark color and the bad smell.  They drained what they could at the time and left in a drain for the rest.

When they wheeled me back into my room afterwards, I remember I could hear the voices of my family, but I just kept my eyes closed.  I couldn’t deal with them or with anything.  I moaned with pain.  I was in a lot of pain for a number of days following the drain.  During that hospital stay, one of my blood cultures came back positive for staph, so then they had to redo the cultures and I was put on some crazy antibiotics.  I was just miserable.  I didn’t sleep well.  I was in constant pain.  The pain meds didn’t last more than an hour or two.  They had to switch my i.v. because my vein started collapsing.  It was horrible.  I was miserable and I just wanted to go home.  I was told that with the staph I would need a central line and I’d have to be on i.v. antibiotics for 2-4 more weeks at home.  Well it turns out that the first culture was wrong--I didn’t have staph!  Yay!  I stayed in the hospital for six nights and was sent home.  I was told that I should feel better in a few days.

A few days later I was not feeling better.  I still felt horrible and really wasn’t having much to drink.  When my symptoms hadn’t really improved, my surgeon sent me back to the hospital for a CT scan with contrast.  I will pause here to express my dislike and fear of needles--especially i.v.’s.  I’m irrationally terrified of needles and my previous hospital stay had not helped my fear.  So I was freaked out a little about the contrast.  They went ahead and did an i.v. for it.  The scan came back that the abscess had returned :(  So the surgeon on-call came in and performed outpatient surgery on me that same evening to put in a drain laparoscopically.  I was disappointed and upset that they had to go back in and that I was still so far from being recovered, but at least I wasn’t being readmitted!  And I will say that although it sucks to have surgery of any kind, this was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay preferable to the CT-guided drain.  

I went home and was told to expect to feel better in a few days.  Once again I wasn’t recovering like I was supposed to.  Six days after the drain was put in, I saw my surgeon for a check-up and he was concerned.  He didn’t like the color or the amount of stuff draining.  Plus, I still wasn’t getting in the fluids that I needed and I still wasn’t feeling well.  They had me wait at my surgeon’s office while the hospital prepared a bed for me to be admitted.  I was in tears and horribly upset.  I had had such a bad experience during my last stay, and I just didn’t seem to be getting better.  I was admitted to the hospital.  This time the CT scan showed that not only did I still have fluid draining, but now I had a small stomach leak.  When you have a stomach leak after bariatric surgery, they can’t just go in and stitch it up--your new stomach won’t hold stitches well.  So instead they decided they would put a stent in my stomach to stop the leak and to protect the stomach while it healed.  In the meantime, a nurse showed up at my room to pick me up for a central line.  I totally freaked out!  I’ve mentioned my absolute fear of needles and this was a much crazier i.v.--in my neck!  I was terrified and I had a total meltdown.  They backed off immediately.  It seems that they thought I had been informed about the procedure when I had not.  I calmed down and even spoke to my sister-in-law (an ob/gyn) who explained what a central line was and why it would be beneficial for me.  Not only could they “feed” me proteins and fats, but it would mean that they could draw blood without my regular i.v.!  That means no more collapsing veins!  So I calmed down and told them I was willing.  They still held off another day--I think I scared them with my freak out.

That stay was the longer stay.  They put in the stent and I was on the central line.  Let me say now that the central line was awesome.  My pain meds would go through so fast!  I would be asleep before they even finished putting the meds in the central line.  Plus they were able to give me vitamins, fats and proteins so I was finally getting some nutrition!  I think my only problem at that point was that I felt pretty nauseous from the stent.  By the end of the stay they also had to remove the central line (which was a little scary too).  My veins would burn when they’d give me pain meds.  So by the time I left the hospital, I was ready to go home.  I honestly don’t remember how long I stayed at the hospital that time.  I think it was about 10 days, but it may have been more like 12 when I look at the calendar.

I finally had my final CT scan a couple of weeks later and it came back clear!  It was such a relief!  Once the drain was out, I started feeling better and could finally start eating.  I stayed home another couple of weeks and then returned to work.

It was an interesting and difficult journey.  I did not expect complications when I went into this surgery.  I just assumed I’d make it through okay.  And I was lucky that I did okay considering the complications I had.  That original abscess could easily have killed me.  I feel incredibly lucky.  I am also very thankful for everyone who supported me during the whole damn thing.  I have even made “Gratitude” my word going into 2016.  I have written lots of thank you notes and created gratitude gifts for everyone who stood by me.  I think that I have put so much of myself into becoming healthy in part due to the horrible experiences I went through.  It’s even more important to me that I not waste this opportunity to be healthy.

I will write again soon about my weight loss and what I’ve been doing.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Surgery Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning!  


I finished my two week pre-op diet yesterday.  This morning I was able to have a light breakfast, but now I am on clear liquids for the rest of the day.  I can drink until midnight and then nothing until I come out on the other side.


I’m excited and nervous.  I’m honestly trying not to think about it.  I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to worry.  There is nothing I can do to make the time go by faster, and there’s nothing else to do but to do it.  I am no stranger to surgeries, and what I have found that helps me is for me to distract myself as much as possible the day before.  I like to watch movies or tv and just stay busy.  I also tend to stay up late.  I know I will have a hard time sleeping, plus it doesn’t really matter if I’m tired tomorrow.  I will be sleeping a lot for recovery, so let me be tired!  


This is it.  This is really happening.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I think I feel ready.  I mean how ready can you actually be?  But I am as ready as I think I can be.  This is it.  My life totally changes beginning tomorrow morning.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Counting Down: One Week + One Day

My surgery is one week from tomorrow--which means I have been on my pre-op diet for one week.  I’m trying hard not to weigh in so that my surgery weigh-in can be a surprise. I totally admit that I have weighed myself multiple times this week.


My starting weight on 8/16/2015 was 255.2

This morning my weight is 247.3!!!


LilySlim Weight loss tickers

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Counting Down

Two Weeks + One Day!


My surgery will be two weeks from tomorrow!!!  Which means I began my pre-op diet this morning!


So far I feel fine, but I predict headaches tomorrow.  I know from being on Ideal Protein in the past, days two and three are the worst when you are going low carb--that’s when the headaches come :(


My surgeon gave me OptiFast meals for my pre-op diet. Here is my basic meal plan for the next two weeks:
Protein shake mix
Ready to drink shake
Protein bar
Protein shake mix
Soup mix


No caffeine, no carbonation, no sugary drinks


Drink 64+ oz of water every day


Try to walk a little every day

I am sooooooooooooooooooo close!

Monday, August 10, 2015

Counting Down: Three Weeks + One Day

It’s getting closer!!!  I start my pre-op diet one week from today.  Then it’s two weeks on my pre-op diet.  Then one day of liquids.  Then the surgery!!!


I am starting to get excited :)

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Psychological Evaluation

I had my psychological evaluation this morning.  I’m not sure what I was expecting.  I didn’t know if there would be an actual test, or if we would talk about things.


The psychologist was incredibly laid-back.  He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, and his full-sized poodle came to hang out with us while we talked.  I liked him--he was definitely not what I was expecting.  He had had the sleeve done five years ago and has kept nearly all of it off.  He mentioned that he had gained back a little because he let carbs back into his diet, but that he has gone back to being strict about the carbs and has lost back a good bit of what he had regained.


He just went over a few things with me--like what eating would be like and meals and portions.  He talked about how I would have to change my eating behaviors and that if I overate, it could make me feel bad or nauseous.  He also said that it’s possible to regain a good bit of weight if you eat carbs, especially bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

It’s all things I knew before, so I felt good about the appointment.  He told me I did fine and that I wasn’t crazy--or at least that I hid the crazy pretty well.  He was funny.  So there’s a hurdle out of the way!  Now I’m waiting to hear from the hospital to set my pre-op testing date, which is usually about 1-2 weeks before the surgery...

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Last Pre-Op Travel

This is my last physical journey before my surgery.   My last flight.  My last time trying to squeeze in airplane seats, trying not to allow my fat to ooze over onto the person sitting next to me.  My last time trying to walk to the airplane lavatory while squeezing down the narrow aisle and into the tiny restroom.  My last time to feel guilty that my weight and physical issues are keeping my family from being able to enjoy the trip.  My last time to burst into tears because I have to stop moving and just rest because I’m too overweight to keep going.  My last trip as a morbidly obese woman.


I will stay positive.  I will remind myself that I am moving in a direction of health, happiness, and freedom.  I will not regret what I cannot do this time around; instead I will embrace that I am beginning an even more exciting journey to my good health.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Counting Down: Four Weeks + One Day

I know it seems like an odd count down--4 weeks + 1 day until my surgery.  Although my surgery is in 4 weeks & a day, I will begin my pre-op diet in two weeks!  My pre-op diet lasts for two weeks and then I have a day of liquids before my surgery :)


The big day is coming!!!  So how am I feeling?  I’m feeling good.  I’ve actually noticed that I am getting so sick of food.  I get angry when my husband asks what I want to eat…  I don’t want to even think about food.  I just want to get it out of the way.  


Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’ve been cleaning up the house and organizing things.  I feel better when I come home to a clean house, so that will be a help.  I’ve also been cleaning out my fridge/freezer and pantry.

I created my little help book with positive messages and reminders.  I have read and re-read my instructions and other notes I’ve made about bariatric surgery and recovery.  I am as prepared as I feel I can be.  All-in-all, I feel good.  Four weeks and one day.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Slight Change In Plans

So there has been a small change--not exactly a setback.  I was scheduled to have my surgery on August 31 at Woman’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, but we have had to change it to Cypress Pointe in Hammond on September 1.  Although I have saved up the vast majority of the cost, I am planning to finance a small part of the surgery.  Unfortunately, Woman’s Hospital will not accept Care Credit so I have to change hospitals.


I am a little disappointed.  I had both my children at Woman’s as well as my hysterectomy.  I know and trust Woman’s.  Plus, they have a full program--nutritionist, physical therapist, and support group.  I am eager to have the surgery, however, and really don’t want to wait to save up the additional funds.  I have everything planned and ready to go.  I don’t want to have to wait until Christmas to do this.  So I am allowing the change of venue.  

I normally react to change badly, and I’ve had to really examine what’s important to me in all of this.  I want this done and soon, but I don’t want to rush into anything that may be worse for me.  Ultimately, I know that my surgeon is trusted and highly rated.  If he chooses to use Cypress Pointe, it should not affect the quality of my surgery experience.  So I’m letting it go and allowing myself to move forward.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Affirmation Of My Decision

I have not wavered from my plan to have bariatric surgery.  I have been very aware of my decision and the consequences.  I think about it every time I eat.  I ask myself if I can live without the particular food I’m eating and if I will miss it.  My mom gets stressed out when I talk about not being able to eat my trigger foods ever again.  I reassure her that I may be able to eat them in very tiny portions as long as they are no longer trigger foods for me.  But if eating a bite of bread or cake makes me want more…  then it will have to be out of my life forever.  And I’m okay with that.

My husband and I went on a short vacation together.  We went to a bed and breakfast in Florida.  This is our third year of going.  It’s always lovely and relaxing.  I enjoyed it, but by the third day I was having trouble walking to the beach.  We went out to walk the beach at night, but I could barely walk across the street to get to the beach.  It made me so sad.  We had originally planned to get up early the next morning to swim in the ocean one last time before heading home.  We had to change our plans because I couldn’t manage it.  I’m too fat and out of shape.  My knees cause me all kinds of problems.

I have to have this surgery.  I am morbidly obese.  My obesity has a massive effect on my life.  I have to plan around my weight.  I am so sick of food and the hold it has over me.  I need this tool to help me get back to being the person I really am.  I want to be active.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to walk on the beach and fit in a seat on an airline or in a theatre.  I want to spend less time worrying about what we’re going to eat.  I want to be able to go for a bike ride or hike.  I want to be able to dance.  I want to live a full life.  I don’t want to die prematurely.  I want to live to see my grandchildren and be able to enjoy my time with them.  

This is happening.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Pre-Op Reactions

I’ve been hesitant to tell people about the surgery before the surgery.  I want to be upfront and honest about my weight loss, but there’s still a part of me that fears how other people will react and treat me.  Will they say that I’m taking the “easy way out”?

I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone before the surgery other than my husband and my kids.  I thought I would tell my mom, but that I would wait until a week before the surgery.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell my boss.

I decided to tell my mom.  She was actually pretty good about it.  She wasn’t judgmental and she didn’t overwhelm me with her worries.  She does have concerns, but overall she understands that I have been researching this and thinking about it for a couple of years now.  I think her biggest worry is that I may be giving up some foods permanently.  She doesn’t like that idea.  She also worries about family get-togethers since they are usually heavily based around a meal or food.

I also decided to tell one of my friends.  I know that she has struggled with food, but she is doing extremely well right now.  She did Ideal Protein in the past and looks fabulous.  She was super supportive and very excited for me!

Today I reached out to my sister-in-law who is a doctor.  I had brought the idea up to her about a year ago and I felt like I got a really negative reaction.  One of her friends has a lap-band, and has not been very successful.  The friend with the lap-band will sometimes eat foods and then purposely vomit so she can eat off limit foods.  Obviously that isn’t a healthy way to handle it.  So I felt that my sis-in-law was skeptical in the past.  So I emailed her and told her about my decision and offered that I’d be happy to answer any questions.  She was also super supportive!  She asked about my surgeon and making sure I would have post-op support.  Yay!

I still need to work up the courage to tell my Dad.  He is a guy who believes in will-power.  So I’m worried he will think it’s a bad idea.  But who knows, he may surprise me.  If not, then I know he will eventually come around when he sees me healthy and happy.

I will also tell my boss.  I want her to know in case there are any complications and in case I end up needing to take more time off.  I’m hoping I can work from home for a couple of days towards the end of the week I’m home.

So far, so good on the reactions.  Let’s hope people continue being so supportive!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Initial Consultation

Yay!  My first major step has been taken--I had my initial consultation with my bariatric surgeon this morning :)

I qualify for the surgery and I have scheduled my surgery date for Monday, August 31, 2015!  They gave me a packet of information to go through and I also received my pre-op diet food, which I will eat for the two weeks prior to my surgery.  I still have to have my psychological appointment, and then my pre-op tests (1-2 weeks prior) and finally I will need the okay from my regular doctor before the surgery.

I will be self-pay and I'm having it done through the program at Woman's Hospital in Baton Rouge.  My total cost will be $14,800.

Here are the results from the Body Composition Analyzer at the surgeon's office:
Weight 254.0 lb
BMI 46.5
BMR 7804 kJ/ 1865 kcal
Impedance 393
Fat% 50.5%
Fat Mass 128.51 lb
FFM (Fat Free Mass) 125.51 lb
TBW (Total Body Water) 92.01 lb
Desirable Fat% Range 23-34%
Desirable Fat Mass Range 37.5-64.5 lb

I also took a little time this morning to take body measurements:
Neck 16.5"
Upper Arm 21.5"
Wrist 7.25"
Bust 52.5"
Chest 47"
Waist 51.5"
Hips 57"
Thigh 27.5"
Calf 17.75"

I may have gone a bit overboard with the measurements, but I figured that I would rather track too much information than not enough.

Here are my current clothing sizes:
Tops/Dresses 22/24 (or 3X)
Pants 22/24
Bra ~44 B/C
Panties 9/10
Shoes 8.5-9 M

Finally, I took some "Before" pictures.  I figured today is my first round of information.  I will follow-up when I start my pre-op diet and then the day of surgery.  From there we shall see!  I'm more excited than nervous today, but I'm sure I will experience a wide array of emotions!


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow I take my first official step on my journey!  Tomorrow is my appointment with my bariatric surgeon.

I have been researching, planning, preparing and dreaming about this for so long now....  and finally it is starting.  This is a big step for me.  I'm hoping that I will soon have a surgery date--even if it isn't until Thanksgiving.  I'm a little nervous, but a lot excited!  I will let you know how it goes :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Starting My Commitment to Change

Even though I won't be having my surgery for a number of months, I have started a few changes.  I intend to gradually change some of my behaviors to make things slightly easier for me once I have weight loss surgery.  I think if I wait to make any changes it will just make it that much harder to deal with such a huge change in my life.

1.  Water
I have switched to drinking water almost exclusively.  I will freely admit that I do drink a coke every once in a while when we are out for dinner.  At home I drink water exclusively.  I've also been getting in a whole lot of water.  I have a Hydro Flask that I keep filled all the time.  I find that I honestly don't miss soft drinks that much.  I'm also finding that when I do get coke somewhere, I don't always finish it.  One recommendation I've read about prepping for the surgery is to stop drinking carbonated drinks and caffeine two months before the surgery.  I have a head start on this and so I think this will be easier for me to give up.

2.  Walking/Swimming
I have started to walk a couple of times per week.  I know it doesn't sound like much.  I find that I have a tendency to overdo it and then get injured or have my knees achy and swollen.  So I'm taking it slow when I'm in pain.  I also have been getting in the pool and moving around nearly every day recently.  I don't swim laps yet, but I try to make sure I'm walking in the pool or moving around.  My goal will be to go walking consistently--even if it's only for 10 minutes.

3.  Eating at Home
I've been trying to eat at home a lot more often lately.  My job in the spring was incredibly stressful and exhausting.  I had more than a few 70-80 hour weeks.  I was just not going to cook.  So we ate out a lot.  Now that things have settled down at work, I have a lot more time to cook and get groceries.  I haven't really changed my portions or gone way out of my way to eat healthier.  But honestly I am eating healthier than I was.  I will reach for string cheese and pita chips rather than get fast food.  I do eat out and I do get fast food, but it's not constant like it has been in the past.  This will be an area I have to continue to work on.  This should also help my finances :)

4.  General Health
I'm also trying to take this opportunity to start taking better care of myself in general.  I saw my OB/GYN and had my first mammogram!  I went to the dentist for the first time in 22 years.  I actually take pretty good care of my teeth so I didn't have any cavities or issues.  I am going to schedule a deep under gums cleaning at some point.  I also bought a waterpik because I hate thread floss.  I'm going to have a sleep study done soon.  I'm also looking for a new counselor/therapist.  So I am trying to think about my well being and health in general.

I will keep you updated on my progress!

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Why Weight Loss Surgery?

I wanted to take some time to put this down on paper so to speak.  I know that this will be a common question for me over the next year or two.  Although I know why and have even articulated it to my husband in bits and pieces, I want a more comprehensive explanation.  I want to be prepared when I get asked, because I know I will get asked.

Why weight loss surgery?

It's a drastic step, isn't it?  I plan to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG), and they will take away the majority of my stomach.  It is permanent.

I am morbidly obese.  My BMI is currently 46.  I have tried to lose the weight many times.  I have even succeeded in small amounts and even once a large amount of 33 pounds.  Ultimately I gain it back.  I don't keep up with the super restrictions of diets.  I ultimately fail at the diet, gain back the weight, and feel depressed that I have failed yet again.

The research I have read more or less says that for morbidly obese people, diet and exercise alone does not work.  We have so much weight to lose and when we fail we gain back the weight and usually some extra weight.  Research also shows that weight loss surgery often gives us a chance--a tool--to lose the weight and have a fighting chance of keeping it off.

I want that fighting chance.  My knees have major issues--even walking can be painful and exhausting.  I have started having issues with sleeping at night.  I am going to have a sleep study to find out if I have sleep apnea.  I get migraines.  I have some stomach issues in general.  I fight with depression and anxiety.  To some degree, I believe that all of these are linked to my obesity.

To reach a "normal" BMI, I would have to lose about 125 pounds--about half my body weight.  That is a lot and it's exhausting and terrifying to even think about how hard that will be.  I don't know if I am capable of it without some help.  I know for me, that I need something drastic to help me make changes.  I need to break down my relationship with food.  Food and eating are involved in every social and emotional aspect of my life.  I don't know if I can just pretend that I can ever have a healthy relationship with food.  I believe that I am probably addicted to food.  Unlike other addictions, I cannot possibly abstain from eating.  So how can I lose the weight (without completely giving up hope and failing horribly) and drastically change my relationship with food?  Weight loss surgery is my answer.

So how will weight loss surgery help me?  I will be having a VSG, which means they will remove most of my stomach.  For VSG, they don't reroute your intestines so I don't have to worry about malabsortion.  My stomach will start out only holding about 2 ounces.  Over the course of the first year, my stomach will heal and stretch out to hold about 8 ounces.  It will force me to eat very small portions.  Because I won't be able to eat a lot, I will have to concentrate on my protein intake.  I won't be able to eat my trigger foods (the foods that make me want to overeat) because they will fill up my stomach too quickly and make me feel sick.  This means that I will get rid of all trigger foods (simple carbs) completely.  My husband has agreed that there will be no more trigger foods in our house ever again once I start.

Another piece of this is that when they remove so much of your stomach, they remove the hunger hormone, ghrelin.  This means that I will not experience physical hunger the same way ever again.  Although I may still have to battle mental hunger and cravings, I will no longer actually feel physical hunger.

What all this means is that weight loss surgery is a tool to help me get a jump start on my weight loss.  Ultimately I still have to do all the work.  I still have to overcome my cravings and emotional desire for food.  I will have to eat tiny portions and avoid my trigger foods.  I will have to start exercising and doing the right thing.

How do I know I will succeed?

I don't know.  But the research says that for VSG patients, the majority will lose and keep off 40%-80% of their excess weight even five years post-op.  Even if we look at the smaller end of that statistic, that is more than enough to get me out of morbid obesity and make me feel so much better.  Another piece of this is that I will be paying for this surgery out of pocket.  It costs about $15,000.  That is a huge investment, and it has taken me a couple of years to save it up.  I'm terrified of spending that kind of money.  I refuse to waste that money.  It is an investment in me.  I cannot allow myself to screw it up.

So that's it.  This is an individual decision.  It isn't for everyone.  It's not the easy way out--it's expensive, scary, painful.  I also still have to do all the work.  I have to eat right and exercise.  This is just a tool to help me tremendously by taking away my hunger, forcing small portions, and getting me on the right track way more quickly than I could do on my own.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

So Much Has Happened

I had a horrible semester.  I was transferred to a new position, and I felt isolated and abandoned.  I was overwhelmed with work and I felt very taken for granted.  I didn't even get thanked for all the extra time and effort I put into it.

So I became pretty damn depressed.  I think this was some of my worst depression in many years.  The bright side is that I endured it--and I didn't skip work (which used to be a big problem with my depression).  At one point I even started having chest pains from the anxiety I was feeling.  My blood pressure sky-rocketed.  But I've come  back down to earth and I've been enjoying being at home more this summer.

I may also have good news about my job by the end of this week.  I may be getting my old job back--which is absolutely amazing!

I have also been working hard to save up and get ready for my weight loss surgery.  I have been planning to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  My hope was that I could have the surgery by the end of this year.  I will turn 41 at the end of the year and I wanted to start my journey before 41.  I have done so much research and reading.  I know this is what I want to do for myself.  This is not the right choice for everyone, but it is the right choice for me.  I was feeling a little discouraged because I will be self-pay for the surgery, and it's a lot of money to save up.  But I am getting so close!  Plus, I just found out that I may qualify for financing part of it!

So I finally reached out to my surgeon of choice.  I filled out the initial paperwork, and they contacted me about coming in for my initial consult.  My appointment is June 26!

I want so badly to start now--to schedule my surgery for this summer.  But I have to be patient and wait.  I can't take that much time off from work right now.  Plus we have a couple of vacations planned and I wouldn't be able to fit it in there and be able to recover in time.  My in-laws are taking the whole family to Hawaii and it's not something I could get out of even if I wanted to.  (And don't get me wrong--I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity.  It's not something we would otherwise be able to afford)

My intention is to begin the process and make plans to have the surgery going into Thanksgiving week.  That would mean I wouldn't have to take much time off from work.  When I do return to work, we will be in our "slow" time of the year so I will have a more restful time at work.  Also, that gives me about a month of recovery before Christmas.  I had my last knee surgery over Christmas and I mostly had to miss out on the holiday.  Yes, that means that my holidays will suck as far as eating.  The good news is that I won't be hungry, and that soon post-op I wouldn't be able to eat all the junk even if I tried.

So things are looking up...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

What's the Use?

There are days when I wonder why I’m even trying to save up for this surgery.  It isn’t that I don’t want to have it--the problem is that it’s so freaking expensive.  I’m not rolling in the money.  I have actually only recently been able to feel confident in making ends meet.  Surgery will cost about $16,000.  How the hell do I come up with $16,000???  So, okay my thought was to start saving.  That’s a great idea, right?

Except it hasn’t even started happening yet.  My husband is waiting for his promotion, which will help tremendously.  But it still doesn’t seem reachable--not for the foreseeable future.  I feel like I can put a decent amount aside for savings (as long as we can manage to stick to a food budget!), however I really believe that there are more important things for the money to go towards.  First of all, we desperately need an emergency fund.  We only have one vehicle and when it breaks down it can be devastating for us.  So we also need a second car.  If we save like crazy then we might be able to buy a car by Christmas--unless we have an emergency.

My original hope was to be able to have the surgery during one of my two breaks in the spring.  That way I won’t have to miss too much work.  But that won’t happen if I can’t save up more than my budget allows.  So now we’re talking Christmas of 2015 for the surgery.

There are still a couple of possibilities which would help with this.  We may get a large Christmas gift from hubby’s family.  And with my husband’s (hopefully!) new job, he may have an opportunity to work a lot of overtime.  If those things both happen, then spring may still be on the table.

So I won’t give up.  Not yet.  But I will also start preparing myself that it could be another year or two before this surgery happens.  I’m trying to learn patience, but this will certainly be a test for me.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Physical Therapy

I have major knee issues.  When I was in 6th grade, I dislocated my knee for the first time.  It was horrible.  I took a break from dance classes and eventually quit dance altogether.  I was still very sporty and active.  Until it happened again.  And again.

In high school it got worse.  When it would dislocate, it would stay dislocated until a doctor popped it back into place.  The pain was excruciating.  But it didn’t happen often--maybe once a year or once every other year.  Slowly I began to become less active.

By the time I had my children, I was mostly sedentary.  I had gained a good bit of weight.  Although some of the weight has to do with my eating habits, I also know that some of it has to do with my sedentary lifestyle.  By the time I was an adult, both of my knees had dislocated multiple times.  About seven years ago, one of my knees started locking up on me.  I went to physical therapy and eventually had an MRI done.  It appears that my knee cap was actually tilted.  

So they did surgery--patellar realignment with tibial osteotomy.  They basically cut ligaments that were pulling my patella the wrong way, repaired ligaments that were stretched out on the other side, and then cut a chunk of bone out of my tibia where the ligament attaches that goes directly over the top of my knee and moved the bone over so that the ligament would hold the knee tightly in place.  Not fun.  The recovery was the worst--I had to wait for the bone to heal before I could do physical therapy, which means that I lost muscle and then had to build it back up just to be able to even lift my leg!  I also had to break up a lot of scar tissue in order to learn how to bend my knee again.

A year and a half ago I had the same surgery done on the other knee.  My patellar groove is shallow on both legs, so my knees are more prone to dislocation than the normal person’s.  Now that I’ve had the surgeries and recovered (for the most part), my knees are less likely to dislocate--unless I put extreme stress on them.

But I still don’t feel confident.  My knees feel fairly weak, and I’m always terrified that something I do will cause a dislocation.  I went back to my orthopedist last week and talked to him about it.  I told him that I am planning on having weight loss surgery some day and that I want to make sure that in the future I am able to hike and kayak without fear for my knees.  He told me that he thought that was very reasonable and doable.  So he prescribed physical therapy to strengthen my knees.

I started physical therapy this week, and it isn’t fun.  My knees swell up and are sensitive and weak after I exercise.  But I keep reminding myself that every time I exercise, I am one step closer to being the person I want to be.  I don’t want to live my life in fear of injuring my knees--or worse, refusing to try to live at all.  So I will work hard and get my knees strong.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Trapped by Food

I've been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks.  I want to have the surgery, but in the end I don't think it will work for me unless I honestly change my relationship with food.  This decision will also have an enormous impact on my husband's eating.  I will have to change the way I think of food, and what food means to me.

I haven't really changed my eating habits yet.  I have a tendency to rush into things head first, and then when I mess up it all goes in the trash.  So I think I need to take this a step at a time.

Why is eating and food so important to me?  I live in south Louisiana and everything revolves around eating.  We take great pride in our cooking.  It's nearly impossible to do something social that doesn't involve food--birthdays, weddings, funerals, celebrations.  Even when we just get together with our friends, there is food involved.  Food is my go to.  For everything.  I also feel like many of my relationships center around food.  I work days and my husband works nights, so we have a limited amount of time together.  So what do we do in our time together?  We eat.  And lately we've been going out to eat for almost every meal.  

I also snack a lot in the evenings--especially when I'm alone.  I don't like being alone, so I fill my time with food.  I find a moment of feeling content and satiated.  Food makes me feel good.  It's instant gratification.  And it has been there for me at times when I was deep in despair.  It's hard to let that go.

Lately when we've been going out to eat, I think about what I'm eating.  I ask myself, "Can I live without this food for the rest of my life?"  When I feel sad about not eating some of my favorite foods, I ask myself, "Why does this make me sad?  Why is this food so important to me?  Is it more important than my health and self-worth?"

Food (the way I'm eating it) has a price.  I'm morbidly obese.  I have borderline high blood pressure.  I have high cholesterol.  My knees are totally screwed up.  My self-worth and self-image are damaged almost to the point where I wonder if I can ever fully recover.  For so many years I've lived in a state of depression.  It's almost funny--right now I feel very stable emotionally.  I wouldn't consider myself depressed because for the most part I feel okay.  I'm functioning.  I took a depression inventory, and it places me at a moderate level of depression.  It's scary that my idea of stability is moderate depression.

There's also a financial cost.  Since we eat out so much, we are overspending every month by hundreds of dollars.  We can't keep this up.  I can't keep this up.  I can't keep living like this--in some sort of limbo.  I need to be able to begin moving forward with my life.  I want and need to feel like I'm living.  I can't keep waiting for things to get better.  I have to be the instrument of making my life better.

I am trapped by food.  In every way that matters.  My goal is to sever those bonds, and change my relationship with food.  Wish me luck!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Bariatric Surgery in Louisiana

I have been researching my options for a few weeks now.  It looks like the price for self-pay is about $15,000.  My issue (other than that being pretty damn expensive) is that I'm worried about hidden costs.  A friend who had the surgery a number of months ago mentioned that her total ended up being $21,000.  Another person I know said $16,000.  I contacted my top choice (so far) and requested an itemized breakdown of the costs for a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  Here is my email and the reply:


Good Afternoon,

I am interested in having vertical sleeve surgery through Dr. -------.  I will be self-paying, so I was hoping I could get a complete, itemized breakdown of the costs.  I see that you list $14,800 as the cost, but I wanted to find out what is not included in that cost.  A friend of mine had VSG (not through Dr. ------) last year and she said the cost was more like $21,000 including post-op labs.  Another friend said her costs were about $16,000.  I just want to make sure I know how much I will have to save up in order to be able to have the surgery.

Also, I would be interested in coming to an information session.  When are the dates and times over the next couple of weeks?

Thanks,
Kelly



Our fee for a VSG includes everything standard to the surgery, ie. Pre-op testing, hospital fees, overnight stay, anesthesia, physician fees including consultation and post op visits for 5 years, physician assistant fee, and 90 days of post op complication coverage. The only thing not covered is the surgery clearance you will need to obtain from your primary care physician, and any other specialist that you see (cardiology, pulmonology, etc.).

I see that you registered. The next step would be to call the office to schedule a consultation with Dr. ------.

Thank you, 
-------
Office Manager for
_________________________
------, MD
Bariatric Surgery


So far, so good.  It sounds like the cost would be $14,800, which includes everything except for pre-surgery clearance from my PCP and any specialists.  Right?  

I called the office this morning to find out if they offered a free seminar/information session.  I was told that yes, I could come for the seminar, which is free, but usually they also schedule a consultation for you with the surgeon at that time.  The consultation fee is $150.  I know it seems like a small deal, but this troubles me.  I very clearly asked for all the costs, and I feel mislead.  What else wasn't I told about?  I honestly need to know if I need to save up $14,800 or if I need to save up $21,000--no small difference!

I passed on the consult for now.  I think it's still a bit early to meet with a surgeon.  The absolute earliest I could have the surgery would be December, but it's more likely going to be next February or April.  It's my intention to share on this blog my journey.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.