Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero

I’ve been reading a lot of books about weight loss surgery, and one book that was recommended to me was Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero.  I’m usually on the fence about self-help books.  I think they can be really helpful, but I’m also pretty skeptical about them too.  Ultimately, just like anything else they are tools that some people may find helpful.  I don’t believe that my salvation lies in any book.  But, I may be able to find some tools that really speak to me in a particular moment.

I am still reading Self-Love Diet, so I don’t feel that I can give an honest review yet.  So far I’m really enjoying it and it is really speaking to me.  I’m taking it slow (as a reviewer on Amazon suggested) and limiting myself to a chapter a day.  There are a lot of chapters, so it may take me many weeks to actually finish.  I figured that’s fine because I may be better about implementing some of what she is talking about.

One thing so far that has really stood out for me is the author’s suggestion to “Act as if” I love myself.  What kinds of things would I be doing for myself if I truly loved myself?  I really like the author’s approach to this.  The Self-Love Diet is not a traditional food diet; it’s about feeding yourself love regularly.  I love that idea.  I am trying to love myself--flaws and all!

To get things rolling, I am starting with a few tools that have helped me in the past:

• Starting the day off with an affirmation - these can be difficult, but the more you do it, the more you begin to believe!

• Catching my negative thoughts and changing them to the positive - also very hard, but very worth it.

• Celebrating my little (and big!) victories

My affirmation today is…

I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!

(This was actually one I struggled with just a tiny bit.  I’m usually loathe to say that I’m beautiful because I don’t always believe that I am.  In the past, I would have not used the word because I would feel like a fraud using it.  As I was writing my affirmation though, the word beautiful came out and when I hesitated I realized that I needed to go ahead and use it.  There was some part of me that wanted to use it because it was a gut feeling of what I should say to myself.  And that is truly something to be celebrated!  Somewhere inside myself I do believe I am beautiful.  So… I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!)

Dancing with my Daughter

Last night at my niece's wedding I did something incredibly brave.  I got on the dance floor and danced.  My daughter was dancing completely alone on the floor.  Most guests were just hanging out or in the photo booth.  She was dancing with such abandon.  I urged my husband to go out and dance with her.  He kept refusing.  I wanted so badly to just go out there and dance with her.  But what about my knees?  I haven't danced in years.  I'm also very self-conscious about how fat I am.

But I got up and danced.  I walked out onto that dance floor and danced with my daughter.  Other people joined us, but I got up there.  At first it was awkward for me.  I mean I probably look like crap while I dance.  I felt a little embarrassed.  At the same time I really wanted to dance, and I was having fun with my daughter.  So I decided who cares if everyone thinks I'm too fat to be on the dance floor!  Most likely nobody gives a rat's ass about me!  I let go.  I had fun.  And I absolutely don't regret it.

I danced with my daughter last night!

Back to Basics

Do you ever feel like the people around you don’t appreciate you?  I struggle with this a lot.  And I get disappointed and hurt over it.  I think, though, that maybe I need to take a closer look at how I feel about myself.  Do I give myself the respect and appreciation I deserve?  The answer is no.

I put other people first.  I don’t stand up for myself and I don’t treat myself with the kindness and love that I show others.  I don’t love myself unconditionally.  I don’t take care of myself.  I don’t put myself first.  

So why do I mistreat myself?  Do I feel that I don’t deserve to be loved?  I’m not sure to be honest.  I want to believe that I love myself.  I think I’m pretty terrific in so many ways.  And I think I have the potential to be an absolutely amazing woman.  But I don’t treat myself that way.

How can I begin to be the me I want to be?  How can I show myself love and understanding?  How can I love myself unconditionally?

I’m going to be going back to some of the basics…

Write down my negative self-talk and counter it with positive self-talk

Start a gratitude journal

Start some basic self-care

Celebrate my little victories

I think that’s probably enough to start.  Sometimes I try to go all out and then when I mess up just a little… I stop altogether.

I am worthy of self-respect and respect from others.

I am kind and giving.  I am a creative woman.

I deserve to be loved and appreciated.

I am not invisible.

Depression Lies

(I wrote this last November but was in a funk so I never posted it. I wanted to share it.)

So I came to a realization this morning.  I have been having a lot of trouble blogging lately.  I think because my depression has been rearing up it’s ugly head.  Some of it is that I don’t feel like writing.  The other, deeper thought is that I feel like I have nothing to offer.  I sometimes feel like I’m a complete failure--which makes it hard to feel like I have anything to say to others.

My realization is two-fold:

1. I do have something important to say.  I have a voice.  I also know what it’s like to feel absolutely alone--even when surrounded by others.  If this blog can help someone know, even for a moment, that she is not alone in her depression…
2. I need to do this for me.  I need to value myself.  I feel so fucking unappreciated sometimes.  In the end, though, I’m the one who doesn’t appreciate myself.  I don’t respect myself and love myself.  This is my voice, and I deserve to communicate my thoughts and feelings.  In the end, does it even matter if anyone reads this?  I want to do this for me.

Does this mean that I will get back to posting regularly?  I don’t know.  I can’t promise that I will.  Instead, I will make the effort.  I will try to step up and blog about my depression.  Because depression absolutely sucks.  Depression lies.  And I hold onto those lies.

I want more than this for myself.  I want to feel good about myself and feel love for myself and others.  If you are reading this and you feel alone…  I’m there.  That is me.  So let’s at least understand that we are not alone--even when we feel that there’s nothing but darkness.  Hold onto that little spark of light.  We are capable of bringing light in.  Believe it.

So Much Has Happened

I had a horrible semester.  I was transferred to a new position, and I felt isolated and abandoned.  I was overwhelmed with work and I felt very taken for granted.  I didn't even get thanked for all the extra time and effort I put into it.

So I became pretty damn depressed.  I think this was some of my worst depression in many years.  The bright side is that I endured it--and I didn't skip work (which used to be a big problem with my depression).  At one point I even started having chest pains from the anxiety I was feeling.  My blood pressure sky-rocketed.  But I've come  back down to earth and I've been enjoying being at home more this summer.

I may also have good news about my job by the end of this week.  I may be getting my old job back--which is absolutely amazing!

I have also been working hard to save up and get ready for my weight loss surgery.  I have been planning to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  My hope was that I could have the surgery by the end of this year.  I will turn 41 at the end of the year and I wanted to start my journey before 41.  I have done so much research and reading.  I know this is what I want to do for myself.  This is not the right choice for everyone, but it is the right choice for me.  I was feeling a little discouraged because I will be self-pay for the surgery, and it's a lot of money to save up.  But I am getting so close!  Plus, I just found out that I may qualify for financing part of it!

So I finally reached out to my surgeon of choice.  I filled out the initial paperwork, and they contacted me about coming in for my initial consult.  My appointment is June 26!

I want so badly to start now--to schedule my surgery for this summer.  But I have to be patient and wait.  I can't take that much time off from work right now.  Plus we have a couple of vacations planned and I wouldn't be able to fit it in there and be able to recover in time.  My in-laws are taking the whole family to Hawaii and it's not something I could get out of even if I wanted to.  (And don't get me wrong--I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity.  It's not something we would otherwise be able to afford)

My intention is to begin the process and make plans to have the surgery going into Thanksgiving week.  That would mean I wouldn't have to take much time off from work.  When I do return to work, we will be in our "slow" time of the year so I will have a more restful time at work.  Also, that gives me about a month of recovery before Christmas.  I had my last knee surgery over Christmas and I mostly had to miss out on the holiday.  Yes, that means that my holidays will suck as far as eating.  The good news is that I won't be hungry, and that soon post-op I wouldn't be able to eat all the junk even if I tried.

So things are looking up...

New Art In Progress

I set up my artist space.  I haven't organized all my crap yet, but I went ahead and set up what I could.  I have some pretty good lighting, but I think I need to set up some additional lighting right at the desk.

I also started a new collage today.  I'm very excited!  I found a 12"x16" canvas that my daughter must have forgotten she had.  It was just mixed up in my art supplies.  So I have pilfered it.  From my daughter.  I'm such a wonderful mom ;)

I have never done a collage on canvas before.  And I don't usually work with anything larger than a sheet of paper in a sketchbook.  So this is a new experience for me.  I knew that I wanted to do a piece that is a reflection of me and where I'm at in my journey.  I'm really pleased with it so far and I will definitely post a pic once it's finished.

I like the way it makes me feel to work on a collage.  It's kind of like a creative puzzle... taking things that draw me in and manipulating them that way.  I always shrugged off what I do with collages.  I'm not a "real" artist because I use art and photos that have already been created.  But I think now that what I do is art... in it's own way.  And regardless, it makes me happy to work.  In the end, that's all that matters.

Soundtrack for My Musings

I started a new Pandora station to listen to when I want to feel inspired for my creativity.  I've been listening to it while I blogged and while I clean and get my artist space ready.

Here are the artists I'm currently enjoying:

• PJ Harvey
• Massive Attack
• Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
• Mazzy Star
• Laura Gibson
• Paula Cole
• Regina Spektor
• Coldplay
• Emiliana Torrini
• Sarah McLachlan

Have a listen to some Laura Gibson...

Self-Exploration

So... I'm not sure what I enjoy doing.  Don't get me wrong, I know a number of things I enjoy doing.  The list seems small and I often get stuck in boredom wondering what I can do to bring enjoyment to my life.  I have been seeking meaning, and I am trying to connect with myself to find the meaning.

There are actually a lot of things I think I would enjoy.  There are many things I want to try.  Sometimes I even sit down and make lists of the things I want to do.  And then I look at this big, overwhelming list and don't know where to start.  I also make excuses--I'd have to have a lot of time to do that.  I don't have the money to try that right now.  I don't want to do that by myself.  I can't do that without someone showing me how.  You get the idea.

So I am trying to figure it out.

I have revamped my list, and this time I am trying a couple of things.  I tend to go into things all or nothing, but I'm slowing it down this time.  I want to try to clicker train my dog (and maybe my cats too!).  So I bought a clicker and some treats.  You start really slowly, and I started today.  I also wanted to go buy some seeds, plants, and soil to start up a container garden this weekend.  Unfortunately, my funds are a little tighter than I'd like so I really don't think I should make a large investment in gardening just yet.  So instead of completely giving up (as I have been known to do!), I'm going to start clearing a space on my back patio for the containers, start planning what I might like in the garden, and maybe purchase one packet of seeds.  If I buy seeds here and there then it may not get ridiculously expensive.

Here are a few more items from my exploration list:

• Meditation/Mindfulness
• Photography
• Hiking
• Write a short story
• Costuming
• Falconry
• Learn to draw
• Furniture restoration
• Travel
• Illumination

Interestingly enough, several of the things on the list require no investment except time.  I guess it's about finding the momentum to try something.  Maybe I will set up a play date with myself once a week to try something new.  This is perfect idea for Sundays--something to offset the Sunday Blues!

I'll let you know how it goes!

Where is my art?

Something I've been working hard to not think about is my art.  More accurately--my lack thereof.

Sometimes my depression can spark some creativity, but usually it just shoves my art so far down that I'm not quite sure how to bring it back into the light.  I've been feeling so much better lately.  I'm thinking more positively at work, and really opening myself up to recognizing everyday moments of contentment and even happiness.  So where is my art?

I can feel the desire to do something creative.  I'm hungering to be productive in the parts of myself that play in happiness.  I know it's there.  I'm not worried that it's gone forever.  But I don't know how to bring it back out.  My husband would tell me to just start working on a collage.  And he's probably right.  Just because I don't feel like starting something doesn't mean that it isn't there patiently waiting for me to begin.

And yet I keep finding excuses.  I don't have a space to work on things.  It takes time to pull out all my collage stuff and get to work.  Then I have to clean up and take a couple of days to seal the paper.  It seems overwhelming, which sounds really silly.

So maybe I need to start with baby steps.  Today I will start clearing a space for my art.  Then maybe I will sort through some of my supplies.  To be honest it would be hard for me to locate what I need because everything is so cluttered.  So I need to reign in some of the chaos.  But then I need to begin.  Because that's the only way for my art to come out.  It can't come out to play if I keep waiting for something to push me to do it.

Progress, not perfection!

Fighting the Funk

It's evening and I feel funky.  I know that tomorrow I have to go to work.  Work hasn't been so bad lately, but I can feel my heart racing.  I feel trapped--like I have no choice and there is no escape.  I know I only have a couple more hours and then my night is over.  Then I will sleep and wake up and go to the place I dread going.

Sounds silly, right?  It's just work.  There's no real danger from work.  Things have been slightly better for me at work and I think this anxiety is just a little left-over panic.  My "Sunday Blues" as I used to call them.  When my day/weekend/freedom is coming to a close and I desperately want it to continue.

So I'm sitting here and I'm just breathing.  I'm concentrating on this moment, and not tomorrow.  I am accepting that I feel the anxiety and not judging it.  I'm not silly and neither are my feelings.  But I am reassuring myself that I am okay, that I don't need to panic.  My night isn't over, and even though I will go to work in the morning, that day will end too and I will eventually be home and it is all okay.  Breathe.  And just be in this moment.

I think it's time for some small things that bring me contentment and peace.  It's time for a late meal, some soothing music, and maybe a bath or a cuddle with a pet.  And I will keep breathing and it will be okay.

Documentary on Happiness

I watched a really good documentary on happiness called "Happy."  It's available on Netflix, and it's been sitting in my queue for months.

I'm so glad I took the time to watch it.  It looks at happiness--what the science says as well as experiential happiness.  It's a wonderful reminder that happiness isn't really found in material goods.  Yes, we require some basic things and without them it is very difficult to be happy.  But does my new smartphone truly bring me happiness?  I may be glad when it arrives and it's shiny and new.  But that satisfaction is extremely fleeting.  It leaves and I never again capture that feeling.  Experiences, however, can continue to bring back moments of happiness and contentment.  I can look at a photo of a wonderful experience, or even think about it, and I'm there.

Anyway, the documentary is really good and I would recommend it if you're in the mood.

Here are some of my notes that I want to take with me from watching "Happy"

• Exercise - especially in novel ways
• Flow
• Loving Kindness Meditation
• Compassion Meditation
• Tracking thankfulness every week
• Acts of kindness
• Play
• New Experiences

Today I've payed attention and recognized those moments when I felt contentment--cooking dinner with my husband; being productive with some work while I watched a documentary; eating a healthy and delicious meal.  I want to hold on to these moments when they happen.  I've smiled today and felt glad for noticing that I am happy and thankful for experiencing these moments.

Ups and Downs

Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope.  Some people make it look so smooth.  It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.

My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good.  And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control.  That's when the problems start for me.  For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with.  It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day.  I had let her know in advance.  I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me.  And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me.  What I needed literally took less than two minutes.  And what I was doing was required, and very important.  But still I waited.  It began to feel like I was being disrespected.  The thirty-minute wait was the worst.  I stood, waiting, steaming.  And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on.  I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.

Was I able to do it?  More or less.  I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful.  But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort.  So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".

I have a hard time letting go.  I am trying, and it's a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  And that's okay!

The Artist's Way

The Artist's Way is a book by Julia Cameron that walks you through making that connection with your inner creativity.

I have started and stopped it several times over the years.  It does require some time and commitment to make it work, and I have trouble making that commitment to myself sometimes.

I signed up for "The Artist's Way" workshop at a local library and we just started up.  I had missed the informational meeting because of work, so I did not do the reading or the homework in advance.  We have a large group participating but we broke up into smaller groups to discuss the first chapter and some of the tasks.

I always find small groups a little awkward.  It's difficult to feel your way around that group dynamic.  You usually have someone who wants to monopolize the discussion and someone else who hardly talks.  I usually fall somewhere in the middle--I don't mind participating and I don't even mind leading, but I don't like to put too much out there.  I think it's because I don't want to be judged, and I'm hypersensitive about the possibility of monopolizing the discussion.

We had a pretty good small group.  Again, it's a little awkward.  We are all from different backgrounds and we all participated in different ways.  It will be interesting to see how we grow and how the group develops.

During the two-hour meeting, I felt my own resistance rise up.  I worried about sharing and I worried that this whole thing was a waste of my time.  But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  I need something for myself.  I am going to give this workshop a genuine try.  I need to do these kinds of things for myself.  I want to grow as a person, and I know that I get nervous around people I don't know.  I let anxiety keep me from getting out of my comfort zone all too often.  So this time, I am going to stick with it.

If you haven't tried the book, I can recommend it--even if you start and stop it over and over ;)

Coming Out On The Other Side

I'm coming out of a pretty deep funk.

I sort of lost my job--administrative transfer, not fired--and ended up somewhere I wasn't expecting.  I started out trying to make the most of it, and going full tilt as per usual.  I was absolutely miserable.  I felt alone and scared, and totally unprepared for my new job duties.  I received almost no training and yet I was responsible for critical things.  It brought up all my anxiety and depression.  On top of that, the migraines came back.

I struggled to get up in the mornings.  My mind screamed for me to run away and do anything that would keep me from going to work.  I would sometimes panic at work and have to shut the door and just calm myself down.  I would leave work and cry the whole drive home.  I considered leaving, but felt trapped.  I make decent money and most positions I thought about applying for would require a significant cut in pay.

Last Wednesday I went on a job interview.  It went okay--I did well but not spectacular.  I didn't dazzle them like I was hoping to.  I went home that evening disappointed in myself.  And then I decided that it wasn't worth all this agony.  I am miserable and unhappy.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I made the decision that I was going to learn how to let some of this go.

So when I went to work the next day, I made a concentrated effort to not let things get to me.  I decided I was going to be happy, dammit!  It wasn't easy, and I wasn't totally successful.  But I did find that it made my day a little more bearable.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would take a moment and breathe deeply.  I tried to let any negative emotions go.  I went out of my way to spend some time on myself, and didn't drive myself insane working hard every moment of the day.  I got some work done, and I praised myself for accomplishing what I did.  I began to acknowledge my progress, instead of just pushing myself on and on and on.

I also did some research into being content or even happy when you dislike your job.  I found some information particularly helpful for me:

• Choose to be happy - think positively and focus on the aspects of my work that I like
• Do something I like every day (in and out of work)
• Avoid negativity
• Take a little time to be social with positive people
• Recognize and be proud of my skills and abilities
• Be creative at work
• Play outside of work
• Give thanks and appreciation
• Start a new project
• Stop griping/ruminating/wallowing
• Keep working towards my passion
• Monotask at least once per day
• Schedule a one-minute meditation
• "Progress, not perfection"

These really stood out to me.  I'm going to start trying to implement them.  Maybe one per week to really concentrate on.

I also found an article that said I needed to be having more frequent sex!  Love it.  So, yes, that one is going on my list too!

Finally, I have signed up to take "The Artist's Way" workshop through a local library.

Baby steps.  Small victories.  Stay positive.  Wish me luck!


Sources:
http://www.careerealism.com/9-ways-to-be-happy-in-a-job-you-dont-like/
http://dawnbarclay.com/10-ways-to-be-happy-at-work-even-if-you-hate-it
http://humanresources.about.com/od/success/tp/happy_work.htm
http://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/the-artists-way-a-spiritual-path-to-higher-creativity/

Depression is an Asshat

Pardon my language but depression is a total motherfucker.  It's insidious.  I've been spiraling downward so slowly that I honestly didn't even see it coming this time.  I didn't know how deeply I would bury myself inside my shell and call it protection.  And now I'm a combination of old scars, scabs, and fresh wounds--figurative of course.  And I can't tell friend from foe.  I can't even tell if I really have friends.  Everything looks false.  The only thing I know to be true is that depression lies.  And I hold on to that truth for dear fucking life.  I cling and I cling and I keep holding on and I hope that I come out on the other side.

Sometimes in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind I hope for death.  I don't think so much of killing myself--I'm too squeamish for that, and I could never, ever hurt the people I love like that.  Maybe it isn't so much death but oblivion.  I just want the world to go completely dark.  I want peace.  I want the suffering to end.  I want my depression to end.  I think about getting in an accident or getting hurt so that I will be put somewhere and they will take care of me for awhile.  And then that scares me.  And I worry that I'm crazy.  And these are just tiny thoughts in my head that I almost never think.  And I would never actually do any of these things.  I would never actually hurt myself.  I would never actually kill myself or hurt myself or do anything to hurt anyone else.  But I am a little broken.  And I have some broken thoughts.  And I know I am not alone, no matter how much I feel like I am.

I think the worst thing about depression is that I can't talk about my depression.  I feel like if I tell someone that I think about death then they will either think I am going to try to kill myself (which I am not) or they will think I am just trying to get attention (which I am not).  What I am instead hoping for is for human contact and understanding.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I want to feel like I am allowed to say that I suffer from depression (and have for the last 22 years) and for the world to not think I'm either absolutely nutballs or attention-seeking.

I'm tired.  I'm lonely.  I'm in pain.  I'm depressed.  Everything around me is warped and tinted with my depression-tinted lenses.  The funny thing is that I know this.  And I actually want to stop it.  And I see it happening.  I just can't even tell truth from lies.  And I don't know how to like or love myself enough to stop.  I will keep trying though.  Because I do want to live.  I do want to feel better.  And I want to punch depression in the face.

Affirmation Monday

"Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."

-Harvey Fierstein

Affirmation Monday

"I always think of each night as a song.  Or each moment as a song.  But now I'm seeing we don't live in a single song.  We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord.  There is no ending here.  It's an infinite playlist."

-David Levithan

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Affirmation Monday

"What do you fear, lady?" [Aragorn] asked.

"A cage," [Éowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept hem, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."

-J.R.R. Tolkien

The Return of the King

Friday Art Journal (NSFW)

Death

Affirmation Monday

"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something.  Don't wait for good things to happen to you.  If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope,

you will fill yourself with hope."

-Barack Obama