Ups and Downs

Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope.  Some people make it look so smooth.  It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.

My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good.  And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control.  That's when the problems start for me.  For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with.  It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day.  I had let her know in advance.  I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me.  And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me.  What I needed literally took less than two minutes.  And what I was doing was required, and very important.  But still I waited.  It began to feel like I was being disrespected.  The thirty-minute wait was the worst.  I stood, waiting, steaming.  And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on.  I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.

Was I able to do it?  More or less.  I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful.  But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort.  So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".

I have a hard time letting go.  I am trying, and it's a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  And that's okay!

Coming Out On The Other Side

I'm coming out of a pretty deep funk.

I sort of lost my job--administrative transfer, not fired--and ended up somewhere I wasn't expecting.  I started out trying to make the most of it, and going full tilt as per usual.  I was absolutely miserable.  I felt alone and scared, and totally unprepared for my new job duties.  I received almost no training and yet I was responsible for critical things.  It brought up all my anxiety and depression.  On top of that, the migraines came back.

I struggled to get up in the mornings.  My mind screamed for me to run away and do anything that would keep me from going to work.  I would sometimes panic at work and have to shut the door and just calm myself down.  I would leave work and cry the whole drive home.  I considered leaving, but felt trapped.  I make decent money and most positions I thought about applying for would require a significant cut in pay.

Last Wednesday I went on a job interview.  It went okay--I did well but not spectacular.  I didn't dazzle them like I was hoping to.  I went home that evening disappointed in myself.  And then I decided that it wasn't worth all this agony.  I am miserable and unhappy.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I made the decision that I was going to learn how to let some of this go.

So when I went to work the next day, I made a concentrated effort to not let things get to me.  I decided I was going to be happy, dammit!  It wasn't easy, and I wasn't totally successful.  But I did find that it made my day a little more bearable.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would take a moment and breathe deeply.  I tried to let any negative emotions go.  I went out of my way to spend some time on myself, and didn't drive myself insane working hard every moment of the day.  I got some work done, and I praised myself for accomplishing what I did.  I began to acknowledge my progress, instead of just pushing myself on and on and on.

I also did some research into being content or even happy when you dislike your job.  I found some information particularly helpful for me:

• Choose to be happy - think positively and focus on the aspects of my work that I like
• Do something I like every day (in and out of work)
• Avoid negativity
• Take a little time to be social with positive people
• Recognize and be proud of my skills and abilities
• Be creative at work
• Play outside of work
• Give thanks and appreciation
• Start a new project
• Stop griping/ruminating/wallowing
• Keep working towards my passion
• Monotask at least once per day
• Schedule a one-minute meditation
• "Progress, not perfection"

These really stood out to me.  I'm going to start trying to implement them.  Maybe one per week to really concentrate on.

I also found an article that said I needed to be having more frequent sex!  Love it.  So, yes, that one is going on my list too!

Finally, I have signed up to take "The Artist's Way" workshop through a local library.

Baby steps.  Small victories.  Stay positive.  Wish me luck!


Sources:
http://www.careerealism.com/9-ways-to-be-happy-in-a-job-you-dont-like/
http://dawnbarclay.com/10-ways-to-be-happy-at-work-even-if-you-hate-it
http://humanresources.about.com/od/success/tp/happy_work.htm
http://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/the-artists-way-a-spiritual-path-to-higher-creativity/

Affirmation Monday

"Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."

-Harvey Fierstein

Affirmation Monday

"I always think of each night as a song.  Or each moment as a song.  But now I'm seeing we don't live in a single song.  We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord.  There is no ending here.  It's an infinite playlist."

-David Levithan

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Affirmation Monday

"What do you fear, lady?" [Aragorn] asked.

"A cage," [Éowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept hem, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."

-J.R.R. Tolkien

The Return of the King

Affirmation Monday

"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something.  Don't wait for good things to happen to you.  If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope,

you will fill yourself with hope."

-Barack Obama

Affirmation Monday

"But all the magic I have known

I've had to make myself."

-Shel Silverstein

Where the Sidewalk Ends

Affirmation Monday

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought o go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get o."

"I don't much care where -"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

-Lewis Carroll

Alice in Wonderland

Affirmation Monday

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

-Dr. Seuss

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I absolutely LOVE the video from Burning Man 2011 (NSFW!):

Awesome

My teenage daughter also suffers from depression and anxiety.  She handles it with poise and I'm extremely proud of her.  I also feel guilty about passing those messed up genes to her.

When she is feeling down or discouraged, I have a tendency to text her encouragement and silliness.  I was thinking that maybe I need some of that encouragement and silliness too.  Most of the following were found via google search for "awesome"  Enjoy!  And know that you are awesome!

Affirmation Monday

"If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"

-Maya Angelou