It's evening and I feel funky. I know that tomorrow I have to go to work. Work hasn't been so bad lately, but I can feel my heart racing. I feel trapped--like I have no choice and there is no escape. I know I only have a couple more hours and then my night is over. Then I will sleep and wake up and go to the place I dread going.
Sounds silly, right? It's just work. There's no real danger from work. Things have been slightly better for me at work and I think this anxiety is just a little left-over panic. My "Sunday Blues" as I used to call them. When my day/weekend/freedom is coming to a close and I desperately want it to continue.
So I'm sitting here and I'm just breathing. I'm concentrating on this moment, and not tomorrow. I am accepting that I feel the anxiety and not judging it. I'm not silly and neither are my feelings. But I am reassuring myself that I am okay, that I don't need to panic. My night isn't over, and even though I will go to work in the morning, that day will end too and I will eventually be home and it is all okay. Breathe. And just be in this moment.
I think it's time for some small things that bring me contentment and peace. It's time for a late meal, some soothing music, and maybe a bath or a cuddle with a pet. And I will keep breathing and it will be okay.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Documentary on Happiness
I watched a really good documentary on happiness called "Happy." It's available on Netflix, and it's been sitting in my queue for months.
I'm so glad I took the time to watch it. It looks at happiness--what the science says as well as experiential happiness. It's a wonderful reminder that happiness isn't really found in material goods. Yes, we require some basic things and without them it is very difficult to be happy. But does my new smartphone truly bring me happiness? I may be glad when it arrives and it's shiny and new. But that satisfaction is extremely fleeting. It leaves and I never again capture that feeling. Experiences, however, can continue to bring back moments of happiness and contentment. I can look at a photo of a wonderful experience, or even think about it, and I'm there.
Anyway, the documentary is really good and I would recommend it if you're in the mood.
Here are some of my notes that I want to take with me from watching "Happy"
I'm so glad I took the time to watch it. It looks at happiness--what the science says as well as experiential happiness. It's a wonderful reminder that happiness isn't really found in material goods. Yes, we require some basic things and without them it is very difficult to be happy. But does my new smartphone truly bring me happiness? I may be glad when it arrives and it's shiny and new. But that satisfaction is extremely fleeting. It leaves and I never again capture that feeling. Experiences, however, can continue to bring back moments of happiness and contentment. I can look at a photo of a wonderful experience, or even think about it, and I'm there.
Anyway, the documentary is really good and I would recommend it if you're in the mood.
Here are some of my notes that I want to take with me from watching "Happy"
- Exercise - especially in novel ways
- Flow
- Loving Kindness Meditation
- Compassion Meditation
- Tracking thankfulness every week
- Acts of kindness
- Play
- New Experiences
Today I've payed attention and recognized those moments when I felt contentment--cooking dinner with my husband; being productive with some work while I watched a documentary; eating a healthy and delicious meal. I want to hold on to these moments when they happen. I've smiled today and felt glad for noticing that I am happy and thankful for experiencing these moments.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Ups and Downs
Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope. Some people make it look so smooth. It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.
My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good. And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control. That's when the problems start for me. For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with. It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day. I had let her know in advance. I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me. And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me. What I needed literally took less than two minutes. And what I was doing was required, and very important. But still I waited. It began to feel like I was being disrespected. The thirty-minute wait was the worst. I stood, waiting, steaming. And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go. I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on. I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.
Was I able to do it? More or less. I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful. But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort. So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".
I have a hard time letting go. I am trying, and it's a work in progress. I am a work in progress. And that's okay!
My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good. And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control. That's when the problems start for me. For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with. It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day. I had let her know in advance. I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me. And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me. What I needed literally took less than two minutes. And what I was doing was required, and very important. But still I waited. It began to feel like I was being disrespected. The thirty-minute wait was the worst. I stood, waiting, steaming. And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go. I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on. I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.
Was I able to do it? More or less. I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful. But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort. So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".
I have a hard time letting go. I am trying, and it's a work in progress. I am a work in progress. And that's okay!
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