Artist's Way - Weeks Two & Three

So I've been attending an Artist's Way workshop at the local library.  We had our second official meeting last week.  It went okay.  I have been finding that I am resistant to chapters two and three.

I have just really found the text to be very negative about people in general.  The author talks about unblocked artists trying to deliberately sabotage you.  I understand that sometimes people around us do stop us from things, but I think more honestly it is about their fear and not a malicious sabotage.

I am also not sure about the group setting.  I find small groups to be pretty awkward.  You always have one person who over-shares and monopolizes the group's time.  For the most part my group is okay.  I don't mind them, but one of the ladies is often very negative.  I know she needs an outlet for that, but it's hard for me to make myself go and listen to an hour of it.  I've been working so hard to get myself in a more positive place, and I don't like to deal with the negativity of others right now.  I hope that isn't too harsh of me.  I want to be kind and understanding, as well as be mindful of my empathy.  But I also don't want to be dragged down.  I want to stay positive and I want to enjoy my time there.  I don't want to feel like it's a chore.

I'm going to stick with it--for at least the first four weeks.  I hope I can go the entire twelve weeks, but that's a big commitment.  We shall see.

In the meantime, I've been faithfully doing my morning pages.  It's not always easy to write three full pages, but I'm making it work.  I have found a lot of helpfulness by writing my thoughts.  If nothing else comes from the book and the workshop, that's one practice I hope to continue!

Ups and Downs

Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope.  Some people make it look so smooth.  It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.

My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good.  And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control.  That's when the problems start for me.  For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with.  It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day.  I had let her know in advance.  I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me.  And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me.  What I needed literally took less than two minutes.  And what I was doing was required, and very important.  But still I waited.  It began to feel like I was being disrespected.  The thirty-minute wait was the worst.  I stood, waiting, steaming.  And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on.  I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.

Was I able to do it?  More or less.  I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful.  But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort.  So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".

I have a hard time letting go.  I am trying, and it's a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  And that's okay!

The Artist's Way

The Artist's Way is a book by Julia Cameron that walks you through making that connection with your inner creativity.

I have started and stopped it several times over the years.  It does require some time and commitment to make it work, and I have trouble making that commitment to myself sometimes.

I signed up for "The Artist's Way" workshop at a local library and we just started up.  I had missed the informational meeting because of work, so I did not do the reading or the homework in advance.  We have a large group participating but we broke up into smaller groups to discuss the first chapter and some of the tasks.

I always find small groups a little awkward.  It's difficult to feel your way around that group dynamic.  You usually have someone who wants to monopolize the discussion and someone else who hardly talks.  I usually fall somewhere in the middle--I don't mind participating and I don't even mind leading, but I don't like to put too much out there.  I think it's because I don't want to be judged, and I'm hypersensitive about the possibility of monopolizing the discussion.

We had a pretty good small group.  Again, it's a little awkward.  We are all from different backgrounds and we all participated in different ways.  It will be interesting to see how we grow and how the group develops.

During the two-hour meeting, I felt my own resistance rise up.  I worried about sharing and I worried that this whole thing was a waste of my time.  But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  I need something for myself.  I am going to give this workshop a genuine try.  I need to do these kinds of things for myself.  I want to grow as a person, and I know that I get nervous around people I don't know.  I let anxiety keep me from getting out of my comfort zone all too often.  So this time, I am going to stick with it.

If you haven't tried the book, I can recommend it--even if you start and stop it over and over ;)

Coming Out On The Other Side

I'm coming out of a pretty deep funk.

I sort of lost my job--administrative transfer, not fired--and ended up somewhere I wasn't expecting.  I started out trying to make the most of it, and going full tilt as per usual.  I was absolutely miserable.  I felt alone and scared, and totally unprepared for my new job duties.  I received almost no training and yet I was responsible for critical things.  It brought up all my anxiety and depression.  On top of that, the migraines came back.

I struggled to get up in the mornings.  My mind screamed for me to run away and do anything that would keep me from going to work.  I would sometimes panic at work and have to shut the door and just calm myself down.  I would leave work and cry the whole drive home.  I considered leaving, but felt trapped.  I make decent money and most positions I thought about applying for would require a significant cut in pay.

Last Wednesday I went on a job interview.  It went okay--I did well but not spectacular.  I didn't dazzle them like I was hoping to.  I went home that evening disappointed in myself.  And then I decided that it wasn't worth all this agony.  I am miserable and unhappy.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I made the decision that I was going to learn how to let some of this go.

So when I went to work the next day, I made a concentrated effort to not let things get to me.  I decided I was going to be happy, dammit!  It wasn't easy, and I wasn't totally successful.  But I did find that it made my day a little more bearable.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would take a moment and breathe deeply.  I tried to let any negative emotions go.  I went out of my way to spend some time on myself, and didn't drive myself insane working hard every moment of the day.  I got some work done, and I praised myself for accomplishing what I did.  I began to acknowledge my progress, instead of just pushing myself on and on and on.

I also did some research into being content or even happy when you dislike your job.  I found some information particularly helpful for me:

• Choose to be happy - think positively and focus on the aspects of my work that I like
• Do something I like every day (in and out of work)
• Avoid negativity
• Take a little time to be social with positive people
• Recognize and be proud of my skills and abilities
• Be creative at work
• Play outside of work
• Give thanks and appreciation
• Start a new project
• Stop griping/ruminating/wallowing
• Keep working towards my passion
• Monotask at least once per day
• Schedule a one-minute meditation
• "Progress, not perfection"

These really stood out to me.  I'm going to start trying to implement them.  Maybe one per week to really concentrate on.

I also found an article that said I needed to be having more frequent sex!  Love it.  So, yes, that one is going on my list too!

Finally, I have signed up to take "The Artist's Way" workshop through a local library.

Baby steps.  Small victories.  Stay positive.  Wish me luck!


Sources:
http://www.careerealism.com/9-ways-to-be-happy-in-a-job-you-dont-like/
http://dawnbarclay.com/10-ways-to-be-happy-at-work-even-if-you-hate-it
http://humanresources.about.com/od/success/tp/happy_work.htm
http://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/the-artists-way-a-spiritual-path-to-higher-creativity/

Affirmation Monday

I am trusted and trustworthy.

I have the freedom and power to choose what and how I eat.

I'm human--beautiful and flawed.

I am loved.

I'm brave and courageous.

Affirmation Monday

Another Monday of positive thoughts to start my week:

I am a very gifted and intelligent woman.

It's okay to tell people no.

I deserve to do good things for myself.

I love the me that I know I am inside.

Living excites me.

Affirmation Monday

I'm working through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  It's a truly wonderful book.  I definitely think a key to finding myself is through my art and creativity.  Part of the assignments involve writing in a kind of journal every morning.  After writing, the instruction is to find any blurts--hurtful or negative things you say about yourself.  Then you turn the blurt into a positive affirmation.  It's a lovely idea.

What I'd like to do is start my week with some of the affirmations I created.  So here are a few of my favorites from last week:

Being vulnerable is good--it is living.

I AM good enough.

I am worthy and deserving of happiness.

I'm a very good Mom.

I can change.  I will change.

I'm going to make these a part of my life this week.  Feel free to borrow them or create your own.  We need to stop beating ourselves up, and begin to see ourselves as the truly beautiful people we are.