My Daily Tools

Starting this journey is exciting and scary.  I have worked so hard to save up the money, and done so much research and planning.  And it’s finally here.  My time is now.

I’ve been continuing to read about and implement new tools in my life to help me succeed.  I recognize that I’m the only one who can meet my own needs and reach my own goals.  But along the way, I think these will really be helpful.  I started out complaining to myself that I don’t have enough time to do these things every day, but honestly this is worth it.  I am worth it.  Plus, without my constant obsession with food, I find I actually have more time to do these things.

So here are my daily tools.  I’ve used some of them off and on for over a year.  Some of them are new.  But this is my daily plan.  I am hoping to accomplish these things first thing every morning.

Daily Affirmation - I write a statement to myself, affirming how awesome I am.  This is a hard one, but it gets easier as you go to find something nice to say about yourself.  It also starts to make you really believe good things about yourself.  You may feel silly when you start, but this may be one of the most important steps you take towards loving yourself.

Gratitude - My current goal is to write down five things I’m grateful for.  There are always my easy stand-bys like my husband and kids, etc.  Sometimes I challenge myself further and really examine what I’m grateful for in my life.  This really helps you realize how much you actually have in your life.

Tarot/Meditation/Reflection Card - This is a new practice I’ve begun.  I draw a card and take some time to meditate on or journal about the card’s meaning in my life.  I really enjoy this--it’s funny how the card always seems to have some sort of meaning for me.

Journal - I try to do some writing everyday in a journal.  It isn’t meant to be for anyone else--just me.  I write about anything and everything.  Sometimes some really interesting things come out from writing like that.

Read a Chapter - Right now I’m working on Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero.  I want to make time in my life for some good self-help or spiritual books, but I need to stop rushing through everything.  Reading an entire book in a day or two doesn’t give me any time to work through it or implement the tasks.

Walking - My goal is 30 minutes per day.  That’s what the post-op recommendation is, so I started a week early.  Hopefully down the road I will push further and longer.

Confront my own negative thoughts - This is one that occurs throughout the day.  If I say or think something negative about myself, then I try to notice it.  I like to write it down and then debunk it--I change it to something positive or I point out the actual truth and not just my broken perspective of things.  This is very helpful but it can be hard to remember to do.

Celebrate the Little Victories! - This is one that was hard for me in the beginning.  Again, this is done throughout the day.  I write down every little thing that is a victory for me.  I used to think I could only feel proud of myself for accomplishing something big--staying on a diet or exercise routine for months, or going above and beyond on something.  Now I realize that every little thing is a victory for me.  Every healthy meal, every glass of water, every little bit of walking--everything should be celebrated.  I write down my victories.  I am proud of myself for walking 5 minutes because it’s a victory.  I don’t want to only focus on the things I mess up; I deserve to be celebrated for every little thing I do right :)

Those are my daily tools.  I’ve had to work up to doing them all, so I wouldn’t recommend implementing all of them together.  Start with one of them that really calls to you right now.  Start trying to do it everyday.  It’s okay if you miss a day--start back up the next.  If one of these doesn’t work out for you, that’s okay too.  You need to find the tools that work for you!

Meditation and Journaling with Cards

I wanted to talk a little bit about Tarot cards.  I’m not into fortune-telling or anything; I’m more of a science gal.  But I will totally admit that I have long been fascinated with tarot cards.  I think they have an interesting history, but I also love the artwork of some decks.

A blogger that I have enjoyed reading for a couple of years now uses tarot cards for something else--meditation.  Her name is Susannah Conway and I enjoy her photography and her newsletters.  At the end of each newsletter she always shares a tarot card (from all kinds of decks!) and the meaning.  It’s lovely, and I thought it might be interesting to get my own deck.

I chose the Joie de Vivre tarot deck by Paulina Cassidy.  It just felt like the right choice for where I am in life right now.  I am hoping that over time I will grow my collection!

Today I chose the Four of Wands, which means “vitality, growth, celebration, partnership, stability”  How fitting!

There are a number of ways to use the cards…  some people will draw a card (or select one that’s appropriate for where they are or what they are seeking) and meditate on the card.  You can meditate actively by thinking about the card and it’s meanings for you or you can begin a deep breathing meditation and visualize the card just being aware of your thoughts.  Another thing you can do is to journal about the card--you can do is a stream of consciousness writing about the card, or you can make it more about describing the card and writing about it’s meanings.  I love the stream of consciousness writing idea, so I may incorporate this into my morning journal writings.

Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero

I’ve been reading a lot of books about weight loss surgery, and one book that was recommended to me was Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero.  I’m usually on the fence about self-help books.  I think they can be really helpful, but I’m also pretty skeptical about them too.  Ultimately, just like anything else they are tools that some people may find helpful.  I don’t believe that my salvation lies in any book.  But, I may be able to find some tools that really speak to me in a particular moment.

I am still reading Self-Love Diet, so I don’t feel that I can give an honest review yet.  So far I’m really enjoying it and it is really speaking to me.  I’m taking it slow (as a reviewer on Amazon suggested) and limiting myself to a chapter a day.  There are a lot of chapters, so it may take me many weeks to actually finish.  I figured that’s fine because I may be better about implementing some of what she is talking about.

One thing so far that has really stood out for me is the author’s suggestion to “Act as if” I love myself.  What kinds of things would I be doing for myself if I truly loved myself?  I really like the author’s approach to this.  The Self-Love Diet is not a traditional food diet; it’s about feeding yourself love regularly.  I love that idea.  I am trying to love myself--flaws and all!

To get things rolling, I am starting with a few tools that have helped me in the past:

• Starting the day off with an affirmation - these can be difficult, but the more you do it, the more you begin to believe!

• Catching my negative thoughts and changing them to the positive - also very hard, but very worth it.

• Celebrating my little (and big!) victories

My affirmation today is…

I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!

(This was actually one I struggled with just a tiny bit.  I’m usually loathe to say that I’m beautiful because I don’t always believe that I am.  In the past, I would have not used the word because I would feel like a fraud using it.  As I was writing my affirmation though, the word beautiful came out and when I hesitated I realized that I needed to go ahead and use it.  There was some part of me that wanted to use it because it was a gut feeling of what I should say to myself.  And that is truly something to be celebrated!  Somewhere inside myself I do believe I am beautiful.  So… I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!)

Friday Art Journal

Today I am sharing the photo book I created to help me with my surgery and weight loss.  It has important information in it, as well as some good coping strategies and some pics that make me happy.

My Photo Book

Alternatives to Food

One of my major barriers to weight loss success is my relationship with food.  Food is my go-to for just about everything--it is my coping mechanism and I use it for every emotion.  I eat when I'm upset, angry, depressed, stressed, anxious, excited and even when I'm bored.

I am working on a list of alternatives to eating for myself.  These are things I can do rather than eat.  I'm hoping by having this list that I will have plenty of options for things to do when I desperately want to eat.  I'm sure my list will grow, but I wanted to share the things I'd like to try instead of food.

• blog
• go for a walk
• go swimming
• take a hot bath
• clean
• self-talk
• play a game
• read
• get some support on a forum
• call or text a friend for support
• collage
• journal
• meditate
• say a mantra or the serenity prayer
• yoga
• color in a coloring book
• teach myself origami
• light therapy
• self-massage
• take a nap
• worry beads
• deep breathing
• accept my feelings and sit in the discomfort
• listen to music
• sing
• write a story
• write a poem
• play Rock Band
• bike (I can't do this yet, but I'm hoping after the surgery...)

That's my list!  I'm pretty happy with it :)

Back to Basics

Do you ever feel like the people around you don’t appreciate you?  I struggle with this a lot.  And I get disappointed and hurt over it.  I think, though, that maybe I need to take a closer look at how I feel about myself.  Do I give myself the respect and appreciation I deserve?  The answer is no.

I put other people first.  I don’t stand up for myself and I don’t treat myself with the kindness and love that I show others.  I don’t love myself unconditionally.  I don’t take care of myself.  I don’t put myself first.  

So why do I mistreat myself?  Do I feel that I don’t deserve to be loved?  I’m not sure to be honest.  I want to believe that I love myself.  I think I’m pretty terrific in so many ways.  And I think I have the potential to be an absolutely amazing woman.  But I don’t treat myself that way.

How can I begin to be the me I want to be?  How can I show myself love and understanding?  How can I love myself unconditionally?

I’m going to be going back to some of the basics…

Write down my negative self-talk and counter it with positive self-talk

Start a gratitude journal

Start some basic self-care

Celebrate my little victories

I think that’s probably enough to start.  Sometimes I try to go all out and then when I mess up just a little… I stop altogether.

I am worthy of self-respect and respect from others.

I am kind and giving.  I am a creative woman.

I deserve to be loved and appreciated.

I am not invisible.

Ups and Downs

Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope.  Some people make it look so smooth.  It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.

My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good.  And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control.  That's when the problems start for me.  For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with.  It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day.  I had let her know in advance.  I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me.  And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me.  What I needed literally took less than two minutes.  And what I was doing was required, and very important.  But still I waited.  It began to feel like I was being disrespected.  The thirty-minute wait was the worst.  I stood, waiting, steaming.  And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on.  I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.

Was I able to do it?  More or less.  I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful.  But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort.  So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".

I have a hard time letting go.  I am trying, and it's a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  And that's okay!

The Artist's Way

The Artist's Way is a book by Julia Cameron that walks you through making that connection with your inner creativity.

I have started and stopped it several times over the years.  It does require some time and commitment to make it work, and I have trouble making that commitment to myself sometimes.

I signed up for "The Artist's Way" workshop at a local library and we just started up.  I had missed the informational meeting because of work, so I did not do the reading or the homework in advance.  We have a large group participating but we broke up into smaller groups to discuss the first chapter and some of the tasks.

I always find small groups a little awkward.  It's difficult to feel your way around that group dynamic.  You usually have someone who wants to monopolize the discussion and someone else who hardly talks.  I usually fall somewhere in the middle--I don't mind participating and I don't even mind leading, but I don't like to put too much out there.  I think it's because I don't want to be judged, and I'm hypersensitive about the possibility of monopolizing the discussion.

We had a pretty good small group.  Again, it's a little awkward.  We are all from different backgrounds and we all participated in different ways.  It will be interesting to see how we grow and how the group develops.

During the two-hour meeting, I felt my own resistance rise up.  I worried about sharing and I worried that this whole thing was a waste of my time.  But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  I need something for myself.  I am going to give this workshop a genuine try.  I need to do these kinds of things for myself.  I want to grow as a person, and I know that I get nervous around people I don't know.  I let anxiety keep me from getting out of my comfort zone all too often.  So this time, I am going to stick with it.

If you haven't tried the book, I can recommend it--even if you start and stop it over and over ;)

Coming Out On The Other Side

I'm coming out of a pretty deep funk.

I sort of lost my job--administrative transfer, not fired--and ended up somewhere I wasn't expecting.  I started out trying to make the most of it, and going full tilt as per usual.  I was absolutely miserable.  I felt alone and scared, and totally unprepared for my new job duties.  I received almost no training and yet I was responsible for critical things.  It brought up all my anxiety and depression.  On top of that, the migraines came back.

I struggled to get up in the mornings.  My mind screamed for me to run away and do anything that would keep me from going to work.  I would sometimes panic at work and have to shut the door and just calm myself down.  I would leave work and cry the whole drive home.  I considered leaving, but felt trapped.  I make decent money and most positions I thought about applying for would require a significant cut in pay.

Last Wednesday I went on a job interview.  It went okay--I did well but not spectacular.  I didn't dazzle them like I was hoping to.  I went home that evening disappointed in myself.  And then I decided that it wasn't worth all this agony.  I am miserable and unhappy.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I made the decision that I was going to learn how to let some of this go.

So when I went to work the next day, I made a concentrated effort to not let things get to me.  I decided I was going to be happy, dammit!  It wasn't easy, and I wasn't totally successful.  But I did find that it made my day a little more bearable.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would take a moment and breathe deeply.  I tried to let any negative emotions go.  I went out of my way to spend some time on myself, and didn't drive myself insane working hard every moment of the day.  I got some work done, and I praised myself for accomplishing what I did.  I began to acknowledge my progress, instead of just pushing myself on and on and on.

I also did some research into being content or even happy when you dislike your job.  I found some information particularly helpful for me:

• Choose to be happy - think positively and focus on the aspects of my work that I like
• Do something I like every day (in and out of work)
• Avoid negativity
• Take a little time to be social with positive people
• Recognize and be proud of my skills and abilities
• Be creative at work
• Play outside of work
• Give thanks and appreciation
• Start a new project
• Stop griping/ruminating/wallowing
• Keep working towards my passion
• Monotask at least once per day
• Schedule a one-minute meditation
• "Progress, not perfection"

These really stood out to me.  I'm going to start trying to implement them.  Maybe one per week to really concentrate on.

I also found an article that said I needed to be having more frequent sex!  Love it.  So, yes, that one is going on my list too!

Finally, I have signed up to take "The Artist's Way" workshop through a local library.

Baby steps.  Small victories.  Stay positive.  Wish me luck!


Sources:
http://www.careerealism.com/9-ways-to-be-happy-in-a-job-you-dont-like/
http://dawnbarclay.com/10-ways-to-be-happy-at-work-even-if-you-hate-it
http://humanresources.about.com/od/success/tp/happy_work.htm
http://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/the-artists-way-a-spiritual-path-to-higher-creativity/

Affirmation Monday

"Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."

-Harvey Fierstein

Affirmation Monday

"I always think of each night as a song.  Or each moment as a song.  But now I'm seeing we don't live in a single song.  We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord.  There is no ending here.  It's an infinite playlist."

-David Levithan

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Affirmation Monday

"What do you fear, lady?" [Aragorn] asked.

"A cage," [Éowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept hem, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."

-J.R.R. Tolkien

The Return of the King

Affirmation Monday

"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something.  Don't wait for good things to happen to you.  If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope,

you will fill yourself with hope."

-Barack Obama

Getting back to me

So I have had a rough couple of weeks.  I've slacked off on my journaling and on celebrating my little victories.  I haven't blogged much.  I've been in semi-survival mode and have returned to unhealthy coping mechanisms.  But I'm okay.  I'm recovering.  And I feel like I may even be coming out better on the other side.  I've been more honest with myself through this process.  And it is a process.  I won't wake up one morning and everything be just perfect.  I am working towards the me I know I am inside.  And I have to allow that to happen.  I have to allow myself to make mistakes and to fall backwards.  I have to believe that I can continue to pick myself back up.

I know I have so much more work to do.  And that's okay.  I give myself permission to take things slowly.  And I recognize that I am trying, and that this journey is important to me.  I am important to me.

I will begin journaling again.  I was going to say that I will start tomorrow, but forget that--I am starting this evening.  I will journal again.  I will make art.  I will sing and listen to music.  And I will begin to do the things for myself that are important to me.  I will begin to see the good again.

So I will start with me...

And let me say that I suppose this is my small victory :)

Affirmation Monday

"But all the magic I have known

I've had to make myself."

-Shel Silverstein

Where the Sidewalk Ends

Affirmation Monday

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought o go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get o."

"I don't much care where -"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

-Lewis Carroll

Alice in Wonderland

My Victory List

I’m not very good at complimenting myself.  I tend to be hard on myself and expect a lot of myself.  It’s hard for me to see all the good that I do and that I am.  I am trying though, and it’s slowly getting easier and better.

Journaling has helped tremendously.  It started very slowly.  I would sit there and agonize over anything genuine to write.  I didn’t want to just write something I didn’t believe.  But slowly I would find little things I could write and believe about myself that were positive and wonderful.  I began to see the little victories in my life.  I began to believe.  

I used to overlook the little victories.  I used to think the little victories were things like going for a 30 minute walk or drinking 64 ounces of water.  Yes, those are absolutely victories.  They are actually pretty big victories.  A single glass of water is a victory too!  A 5 minute walk is a victory!  I know it sounds silly, but these little things add up, especially when my life has seemed so devoid of joy for so long.  Being able to recognize these little victories has really made me feel good.  I’ve been able to slowly track these in my journal and genuinely celebrate them.

Here is a list of little victories:

"Happy Plate" - Leaving food on the plate!

ordering a smaller portion/appetizer instead of a full meal

drink a glass of water

clean/straighten a room

do a load of dishes/laundry

fold clothes

hang up clothes

scoop/change litter

mow lawn

walk

yoga

bike

physical therapy

eat at home

cook a meal

say no to eating out

say no to food

give away food

go grocery shopping

forgive myself

be kind to myself

do art

do a craft

run an errand

be productive for an hour at work

stand up for myself

This list is not exhaustive.  I add to it as I discover that something I’ve done is a victory.  Sometimes it’s an amazing feeling, and sometimes it just feels strange.  I threw away half an order of fries the other day.  I’m not used to throwing away food.  It didn’t make me feel sad or angry or guilty or even happy.  It was kind of just… a curious feeling.  I almost felt detached from it.  And I was glad I did it.  It was almost like there was no emotion attached to the fact that I was full and I didn’t care to eat any more french fries.  Go figure!

Affirmation Monday

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

-Dr. Seuss

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I absolutely LOVE the video from Burning Man 2011 (NSFW!):

Affirmation Monday

"may my heart always be open to little

birds who are the secrets of living

whatever they sing is better than to know

and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry

and fearless and thirsty and supple

and even if it's sunday may i be wrong

for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully

and love yourself so more than truly

there's never been quite such a fool who could fail

pulling all the sky over him with one smile."

-e e cummings

Complete Poems, 1904-1962

Victory Project

I mentioned before that I was looking for a project to celebrate the little victories in my life.  I was hoping to find something that would be a one-to-one representation of the victories, but that was a little difficult.  I found that what I wanted to do right now was to create a cross stitch.  I had found a glass on wood piece inspired by Alphonse Mucha’s The Moon.  The colors just absolutely blew me away:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/15630383@N08/2774597631/

Kathleen Coyle

Stunning, right?

So I am attempting to cross stitch Mucha’s The Moon as inspired by Kathleen Coyle’s vision.  This will be my Victory Project.  I won’t be doing it as a single stitch per victory.  I decided that I have many victories throughout my day and life.  I should celebrate as I can, and this project will take me many, many months--probably at least a year.  I will keep you updated.