Depression is an Asshat

Pardon my language but depression is a total motherfucker.  It's insidious.  I've been spiraling downward so slowly that I honestly didn't even see it coming this time.  I didn't know how deeply I would bury myself inside my shell and call it protection.  And now I'm a combination of old scars, scabs, and fresh wounds--figurative of course.  And I can't tell friend from foe.  I can't even tell if I really have friends.  Everything looks false.  The only thing I know to be true is that depression lies.  And I hold on to that truth for dear fucking life.  I cling and I cling and I keep holding on and I hope that I come out on the other side.

Sometimes in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind I hope for death.  I don't think so much of killing myself--I'm too squeamish for that, and I could never, ever hurt the people I love like that.  Maybe it isn't so much death but oblivion.  I just want the world to go completely dark.  I want peace.  I want the suffering to end.  I want my depression to end.  I think about getting in an accident or getting hurt so that I will be put somewhere and they will take care of me for awhile.  And then that scares me.  And I worry that I'm crazy.  And these are just tiny thoughts in my head that I almost never think.  And I would never actually do any of these things.  I would never actually hurt myself.  I would never actually kill myself or hurt myself or do anything to hurt anyone else.  But I am a little broken.  And I have some broken thoughts.  And I know I am not alone, no matter how much I feel like I am.

I think the worst thing about depression is that I can't talk about my depression.  I feel like if I tell someone that I think about death then they will either think I am going to try to kill myself (which I am not) or they will think I am just trying to get attention (which I am not).  What I am instead hoping for is for human contact and understanding.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I want to feel like I am allowed to say that I suffer from depression (and have for the last 22 years) and for the world to not think I'm either absolutely nutballs or attention-seeking.

I'm tired.  I'm lonely.  I'm in pain.  I'm depressed.  Everything around me is warped and tinted with my depression-tinted lenses.  The funny thing is that I know this.  And I actually want to stop it.  And I see it happening.  I just can't even tell truth from lies.  And I don't know how to like or love myself enough to stop.  I will keep trying though.  Because I do want to live.  I do want to feel better.  And I want to punch depression in the face.

Depression Lies

I've mentioned that I have had issues with depression.  Although I probably had earlier episodes of depression, I was officially diagnosed during my freshman year in college.  I have struggled off and on my entire adult life.  I am much more able to cope with my depression now than I could even five years ago.  For many years I was worried that I wouldn't even be able to keep a full-time job.  In college, I would sometimes miss two or three weeks of classes in a semester.  I almost always managed to scrounge my life back together.

This past year or so I began to think that maybe I was past it.  My episodes were fewer and less severe, and I even began to think that maybe it was even gone.  Not so much.  And it frustrates me beyond belief.  I have a job that I actually enjoy and I can afford to pay my bills.  I don't mind waking up in the morning and going to work.  Except that I feel all messed up inside.  I've been crying a lot and feeling overwhelmed.  I've even been thinking about death.  Although I have been thinking about death and about escaping my life, the good news is that I don't want to die.  I have no intention of killing myself and I would never want to hurt my husband or children (or myself!) by committing suicide.  I just have these dark thoughts sometimes.

I am seeking help.  I have an appointment this evening with a mental health provider.  I am also going to look into getting back on medication.  I know that at this point some of it is purely chemical.  One thing that tends to help me is to remember that it will pass.  It won't last forever.  It will pass and I will come out on the other side.

If you've never heard of The Bloggess--Jenny Lawson--I would highly recommend that you check her out.  She is an amazing woman, witty and intelligent.  She always makes me laugh.  She talks about depression and her reminder is that "depression lies"--it warps your perception of your life and those around you.  It changes the way you see yourself, see others, see the world.  And it lies.  Here is Jenny herself:

If you want to check out more, you can find her blog at The Bloggess.  You can also check out her book, "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" at your local bookstore or online:

*** If you feel hopeless or are thinking about hurting yourself, please seek help.  If you don't know who to call, try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  You are not alone even though it may feel that way sometimes.

Always Beautiful,

Kelly