Depression Lies

I've mentioned that I have had issues with depression.  Although I probably had earlier episodes of depression, I was officially diagnosed during my freshman year in college.  I have struggled off and on my entire adult life.  I am much more able to cope with my depression now than I could even five years ago.  For many years I was worried that I wouldn't even be able to keep a full-time job.  In college, I would sometimes miss two or three weeks of classes in a semester.  I almost always managed to scrounge my life back together.

This past year or so I began to think that maybe I was past it.  My episodes were fewer and less severe, and I even began to think that maybe it was even gone.  Not so much.  And it frustrates me beyond belief.  I have a job that I actually enjoy and I can afford to pay my bills.  I don't mind waking up in the morning and going to work.  Except that I feel all messed up inside.  I've been crying a lot and feeling overwhelmed.  I've even been thinking about death.  Although I have been thinking about death and about escaping my life, the good news is that I don't want to die.  I have no intention of killing myself and I would never want to hurt my husband or children (or myself!) by committing suicide.  I just have these dark thoughts sometimes.

I am seeking help.  I have an appointment this evening with a mental health provider.  I am also going to look into getting back on medication.  I know that at this point some of it is purely chemical.  One thing that tends to help me is to remember that it will pass.  It won't last forever.  It will pass and I will come out on the other side.

If you've never heard of The Bloggess--Jenny Lawson--I would highly recommend that you check her out.  She is an amazing woman, witty and intelligent.  She always makes me laugh.  She talks about depression and her reminder is that "depression lies"--it warps your perception of your life and those around you.  It changes the way you see yourself, see others, see the world.  And it lies.  Here is Jenny herself:

If you want to check out more, you can find her blog at The Bloggess.  You can also check out her book, "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" at your local bookstore or online:

*** If you feel hopeless or are thinking about hurting yourself, please seek help.  If you don't know who to call, try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  You are not alone even though it may feel that way sometimes.

Always Beautiful,

Kelly