"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Carrying Beautiful

So... naturally this is my first blog post at "Carrying Beautiful."  I struggled with the name a bit--so many names I thought of have already been taken.  I was recently looking at some treasured quotes and came across this one from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."

I think, especially at this time in my life, it strikes a chord deep inside me.  This blog, read or unread, is my small corner of the interwebs for me to share my journey towards a new, truer me.

I am fat.  Yeah, it's not nice to say.  It's even worse to be.  I am morbidly obese, although not as large as some.  I've struggled with just about every diet you can think of--and been successful with many of them.  The weight always comes back.  So does the shame.  I don't always think about my obesity; I'm often able to spend hours and days not thinking about it.  When I look in the mirror, someone else looks back--I don't relate to the person I see there.  She is not me.  When I see pictures of myself, I'm shocked at what I see.  Where did this stranger come from?  Why do I occupy her skin?  There is so much (and less) of me than the person I appear to be.

And I want out.

I want the inner me to be the one that others see.  I'm tired of fighting a lost battle.  I know this decision isn't for everyone, but I have decided to have weight loss surgery.  Of course, my insurance doesn't cover it--after all, it's my fault that I'm morbidly obese, right?  My fatness is a choice I made and continue to make every single day of my life, right?  I don't think it's that simple.  Regardless, I am going to fight for this and my goal is to have the surgery done by the time I turn 40--in 26 months.  Join my journey if you care to.

Always Beautiful,
Kelly

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