I've been obese for most of my adult life. I married fairly young, at 20, and I had gained a little around that time. By then I had already struggled a bit with some mild depression and some chronic knee problems. I wasn't terribly overweight until after my first child was born. I was 22 and we were living below poverty level at that time as full-time college students. We didn't even have insurance or full-time jobs. My husband joined the Army to try and make a better life for us all. We were stationed in Germany for two years and those years were pretty hellish for me. My husband was gone most of the time. He'd leave for training weeks at a time--months if he was deployed. I was alone, in a foreign country, with an infant. I fell into a deep depression. I became addicted to the internet and lived a very sedentary life. I became mildly obese, but my depression was crippling. To make things even worse, I re-injured my knee and I've never fully recovered from that injury.
After returning to the states and leaving the military life, my depression became a kind of constant background noise in my life. It flares up sometimes and it's a kind of monster in the closet, but I move forward as best I can. I had my second child and with my knee injury I was unable to really exercise. The weight just slowly gained.
Since then, both knees have become major problems. I had a tibial osteotomy on my right knee about four years ago--I feel much more secure with that knee now, but I still experience swelling and pain. I dislocated my left knee last summer and I know I'm overdue for surgery on it. I'm terrified of having surgery with my current weight. The recovery for the last surgery was painful and extremely unpleasant, and I was about 25 pounds lighter then.
I also had some complications with my menstrual cycle and we discovered that I had a problem that has a strong potential to lead to cancer. I had a total hysterectomy two years ago, and the biopsy showed stage 1 endometrial cancer. I also continue to have issues with depression, although they aren't debilitating like they used to be. The episodes ebb and flow and I usually come out of them more quickly and with less destruction in the wake.
I've continued to try to lose weight. I've followed diets religiously, tried counseling, and saw a dietician. I've also tried walking, which is about the only exercise I can handle at all. I get winded very quickly, which is fine. What's not fine is the moderate knee pain afterwards--sometimes for days. What's worse is the clicking, popping, and weakness (instability?) I feel in my left knee afterwards. I keep waiting for another dislocation, which terrifies me. I'm scared to do anything that even resembles exercise.
So that's kind of my history. I have failed with traditional diets and exercise. My obesity exacerbates my depression and knee problems. There are times that I am disgusted with myself and even hate myself. I'm sure there are many people who would tell me to suck it up and eat less, move more. It's time that I let go of what other people think I should do, and do something for myself. So I have decided to have weight loss surgery. My health insurance not only does not cover weight loss surgery, it has an exclusion clause specifically against any medical weight loss. It upsets and infuriates me. My insurance would rather pay for the all the problems my obesity will cause than for surgery to prevent it from happening. I'm looking for ways around that, and I will keep you informed of my progress.
In the meantime, I am saving up my money to pay for the surgery myself. It will be very slow going. I estimate that I can save up the money within the next two and half years, but I am setting a slightly closer goal than that. I will turn 40 years old in December of 2014--two years and two months from now. My goal is to have my surgery by the time I turn 40. I don't want to spend another decade the way I have spent the last two.
Always Beautiful,
Kelly
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