Beauty and Freedom

I have been on a sort of downward spiral this week.  I missed some work due to illness, but those absences have fed into my depression.  I've been thinking some pretty dark thoughts, and although I know I would never act on them, they still disturb and upset me.  I told my husband tonight that I feel like I'm drowning in my depression.  Although I have started to see a therapist, I have not had any luck finding a psychiatrist.  I know I should probably be on an antidepressant, but only one provider on my insurance is taking new clients--and she has no openings until late January.  I'm going to call and complain, but in the meantime I'm hoping my primary care physician can prescribe something.

I bought a couple of books earlier in the week and they arrived today.  I have "Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny" by Martha Beck, and "A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook" by Bob Stahl and Elisha Goldstein. I'm hoping they will have something to help me find some peace in myself.  One of the activities in Beck's book asks about some things I want the most, and figuring out what feelings come from those things.  I won't go into the things I want, but the feelings I'm looking for include: freedom, control, safety, fun, satisfaction, excitement, love, support, not isolated, not constricted, beautiful.  I decided that I really wanted to do a collage tonight, so I took beauty and freedom from the list and came up with this:

I feel a little better right now.  I'm going to go relax before bed and hope that I wake up tomorrow feeling ready to go back to work and to get back into normal.  Being at home has been one of the worst things for my depression.  Work is good; it keeps me busy.

Remember to seek help if you are in a dark place.  Call a loved one, or call a hotline--don't wallow alone in it.

Always Beautiful,
Kelly