So yeah. Not surprisingly, I have been eating in unhealthy ways for a while now. It was very hard getting back on Ideal Protein. It also got very expensive, and we were having trouble paying for it and the bills. In the end, though, it's excuses. I messed up and as usual I gave up and gave in. So where does that leave me?
I am severely obese. I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. I eat to cope, to escape, to feel, to numb, to celebrate, to have something to do. Food is my go to for everything. I am surrounded by food and by eating situations. Does food addiction exist? I don't know, but I know that something is wrong with the way I handle food and eating. Do I have an eating disorder? Possibly--but not the usual culprits. I'm not anorexic nor bulimic.
A couple of years ago I did a lot of research into bariatric surgery. I didn't exactly give up the idea, but I put it on the back burner because of how expensive it is and it seemed very drastic. Well it's back on the front burner. I have tried almost every diet. I've had some temporary successes, but I've never changed my relationship with food. I am going to save up to have a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. It may take me a long time to save up the money, so it's a long ways off. But this is important to me. I am important to me.
In the meantime, I am beginning to closely examine my eating habits and my relationship with food. I have been reading and journaling and thinking. I feel like I'm slowly getting some answers. I want to change, and I can feel that I am so close! I am going to keep exploring and I will break this connection with food somehow.
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