Truths

I feel like there's a great dichotomy that exists in my mind and self.  On one side, I desperately want change.  I want to feel better and succeed.  On the other side, I am fearful that if I look too deeply, I will have to change.  So how can I want change and yet not want it?

I have started tracking all my thoughts and feelings when I want to eat.  It's very eye-opening.  It's also difficult--I'm not always sure what I am thinking or feeling.  These negative thoughts I tell myself are not totally true if I'm completely honest with myself.  I think instead they are my fears of what might be true.  Unfortunately, I have internalized these lies or deceptions as the TRUTH.

So why can't I seem to internalize the positive thoughts I have about myself?  When I am absolutely honest with myself, I can say, quite rationally, that I am intelligent and creative.  I can see so many positive qualities in myself.  And yet...   I don't know.  I obviously don't think I deserve to be happy.  It seems that it is safer and more comfortable to feed myself the lies than to risk believing in myself and failing.  I mean, if I never try then I can never screw it up, right?

I can look at this.  I can see it.  And it strikes me as real.  It hits this chord deep inside me, and just typing that brought me to tears.  It isn't that simple, and I know there is more to it than that.  But now that I see one piece of the puzzle that makes up my brokenness, how do I even begin to unravel it?  How do I change it?  Because my inclination is always to leap head first; it's all or nothing.  I can't do that this time.  I need to make small changes in my thinking and in my behavior.  So that is what this blog is about.  The slow change to become me--the me I know is in here, waiting (not so patiently!) to be free.