Fears

I’ve been feeling a little under the weather this past week, and the past couple of days I haven’t really felt hungry.  The thought of eating regular meals, let alone extra snacks or junk, doesn’t appeal to me at all.  But I’ve been eating my regular meals anyway.  One side effect is that I haven’t wanted to turn to food to cope with my emotions or boredom.  That’s great, right?  Well that leaves me alone with my thoughts and feelings and nowhere for them to go.

At times I felt desperate for… something.  I don’t know what.  I know that I was left with this feeling of loneliness.  I felt like there was nothing to do--like I had nothing meaningful that was just for me.

I think there are several things at work here.  I have so many fears of just being myself.  I believe I’m worried about just being alone with my thoughts.  I’m worried about the risk of trying and failing.  I’m also concerned about how being truly me might change my relationships.  I have a tendency to sacrifice my needs and desires for the needs and desires of my husband and children.  What happens when I begin to have firm expectations?  What happens when I have to say no?  Will everything be okay?  And how do I know when to be selfish and when to let it go?

So much of what I do is living on autopilot.  I want to live.  I have to accept that by not eating away the pain, I will have to experience the pain and work through it.  I will have to accept that I will fail.  And sometimes succeed.  I will have to embrace my imperfections.  I will have to adjust and change.  And that also means my family will have to adjust and change.

I have so many fears.  I think it’s time I began to face them.