Shield of Brokenness

I am dysfunctional.

I am broken.  It makes my friend, Jen, upset when I call myself broken.  I believe it's true.  And I'm really okay with being broken.  I think in some ways it makes me special--I am a unique snowflake.  I wear my brokenness as a badge of honor.  I am a survivor.  I have lived through roughness.  I keep myself protected.
When I look at it that way, some of the self-blame slips away.

I want to go further than that.  I want to step out from behind the shield of my brokenness--from the shield of my fat.  And it is a shield.  It protects me from hurt.  It doesn't do a fantastic job--it's just a quick fix to stop the immediate pain, and in the long run it hurts me more than the original pain.  I need to stop blaming myself, and I need to allow life in--pain and love alike.