Friday Art Journal

Today I am sharing the photo book I created to help me with my surgery and weight loss.  It has important information in it, as well as some good coping strategies and some pics that make me happy.

My Photo Book

Slight Change In Plans

So there has been a small change--not exactly a setback.  I was scheduled to have my surgery on August 31 at Woman’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, but we have had to change it to Cypress Pointe in Hammond on September 1.  Although I have saved up the vast majority of the cost, I am planning to finance a small part of the surgery.  Unfortunately, Woman’s Hospital will not accept Care Credit so I have to change hospitals.

I am a little disappointed.  I had both my children at Woman’s as well as my hysterectomy.  I know and trust Woman’s.  Plus, they have a full program--nutritionist, physical therapist, and support group.  I am eager to have the surgery, however, and really don’t want to wait to save up the additional funds.  I have everything planned and ready to go.  I don’t want to have to wait until Christmas to do this.  So I am allowing the change of venue.  

I normally react to change badly, and I’ve had to really examine what’s important to me in all of this.  I want this done and soon, but I don’t want to rush into anything that may be worse for me.  Ultimately, I know that my surgeon is trusted and highly rated.  If he chooses to use Cypress Pointe, it should not affect the quality of my surgery experience.  So I’m letting it go and allowing myself to move forward.

Making a Book for My Journey

I love making photo books.  I enjoy creating a design and bringing back memories of a wonderful and exciting time.  The creation process appeals to me on so many different levels--I use my creativity and design skills, my imagination, as well as my organizational abilities.  It’s extremely satisfying to hold the finished products in my hands.

I am starting to work on a book for myself.  It isn’t exactly a photo book--or at least not only a photo book.  I am including some of my favorite family photos, as well as pics of my collages and even some beautiful photos of nature.  I am also going to include my favorite quotes, affirmations, and meditations.  What really makes this book special for me is that it will also be a kind of weight loss bible for me.  I plan to include a nutrition section with information for each post-op phase; a section to keep track of my monthly weight and measurements; reminders/affirmations of why I am taking this difficult journey; and a list of things to do instead of eating--a list to defeat cravings and boredom.

I am totally excited about creating this book.  I have been worried that I don’t have much I can do right now.  My surgery is planned and financed.  I have nothing to do now but wait until I can start my pre-op diet.  This book will be my personal guide through it all.  I will keep you posted!

In the meantime, I'm pretty sure this will be my cover:

Affirmation Of My Decision

I have not wavered from my plan to have bariatric surgery.  I have been very aware of my decision and the consequences.  I think about it every time I eat.  I ask myself if I can live without the particular food I’m eating and if I will miss it.  My mom gets stressed out when I talk about not being able to eat my trigger foods ever again.  I reassure her that I may be able to eat them in very tiny portions as long as they are no longer trigger foods for me.  But if eating a bite of bread or cake makes me want more…  then it will have to be out of my life forever.  And I’m okay with that.

My husband and I went on a short vacation together.  We went to a bed and breakfast in Florida.  This is our third year of going.  It’s always lovely and relaxing.  I enjoyed it, but by the third day I was having trouble walking to the beach.  We went out to walk the beach at night, but I could barely walk across the street to get to the beach.  It made me so sad.  We had originally planned to get up early the next morning to swim in the ocean one last time before heading home.  We had to change our plans because I couldn’t manage it.  I’m too fat and out of shape.  My knees cause me all kinds of problems.

I have to have this surgery.  I am morbidly obese.  My obesity has a massive effect on my life.  I have to plan around my weight.  I am so sick of food and the hold it has over me.  I need this tool to help me get back to being the person I really am.  I want to be active.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to walk on the beach and fit in a seat on an airline or in a theatre.  I want to spend less time worrying about what we’re going to eat.  I want to be able to go for a bike ride or hike.  I want to be able to dance.  I want to live a full life.  I don’t want to die prematurely.  I want to live to see my grandchildren and be able to enjoy my time with them.  

This is happening.

Pre-Op Reactions

I’ve been hesitant to tell people about the surgery before the surgery.  I want to be upfront and honest about my weight loss, but there’s still a part of me that fears how other people will react and treat me.  Will they say that I’m taking the “easy way out”?

I wasn’t sure if I would tell anyone before the surgery other than my husband and my kids.  I thought I would tell my mom, but that I would wait until a week before the surgery.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell my boss.

I decided to tell my mom.  She was actually pretty good about it.  She wasn’t judgmental and she didn’t overwhelm me with her worries.  She does have concerns, but overall she understands that I have been researching this and thinking about it for a couple of years now.  I think her biggest worry is that I may be giving up some foods permanently.  She doesn’t like that idea.  She also worries about family get-togethers since they are usually heavily based around a meal or food.

I also decided to tell one of my friends.  I know that she has struggled with food, but she is doing extremely well right now.  She did Ideal Protein in the past and looks fabulous.  She was super supportive and very excited for me!

Today I reached out to my sister-in-law who is a doctor.  I had brought the idea up to her about a year ago and I felt like I got a really negative reaction.  One of her friends has a lap-band, and has not been very successful.  The friend with the lap-band will sometimes eat foods and then purposely vomit so she can eat off limit foods.  Obviously that isn’t a healthy way to handle it.  So I felt that my sis-in-law was skeptical in the past.  So I emailed her and told her about my decision and offered that I’d be happy to answer any questions.  She was also super supportive!  She asked about my surgeon and making sure I would have post-op support.  Yay!

I still need to work up the courage to tell my Dad.  He is a guy who believes in will-power.  So I’m worried he will think it’s a bad idea.  But who knows, he may surprise me.  If not, then I know he will eventually come around when he sees me healthy and happy.

I will also tell my boss.  I want her to know in case there are any complications and in case I end up needing to take more time off.  I’m hoping I can work from home for a couple of days towards the end of the week I’m home.

So far, so good on the reactions.  Let’s hope people continue being so supportive!

Friday Art Journal

Red

Will I miss this?

One thing that some weight loss surgery patients do before surgery is have a food funeral.  The idea is that you are saying goodbye to the foods you love that you will no longer be able to eat.  Even some surgeons encourage you to go out and enjoy one last amazing meal.

I'm not sure if I will do a food funeral.  I understand the purpose, and I think in some ways that closure would be helpful.  I don't think that I would want to mess up my pre-op diet just to be able to eat those foods one more time.  What do those foods really mean to me?  Are they that important in my life?  There are plenty of arguments either way.  Some people stay strictly to their pre-op diets and lose some or a lot of weight before the surgery.  Others cheat on the diet and go all out with eating before surgery.  There is no right or wrong here.  We are all just trying to survive and then heal.

Since I have a number of months before my surgery can take place, I have really been examining a lot of my feelings and habits surrounding food.  I haven't changed very many of my habits yet, but I think this step is really important too.  I need to understand my own relationship with food.  I think that will be a key to success for me.

Eat time I've eaten at a restaurant or fast food lately, I have asked myself, "Is this something I can eat after surgery?  Is there anything on the menu I like that I can eat after surgery?  Will I honestly miss this food?  Is this food something I can live without?"  The answers have been interesting.  There is nothing I've eaten that I can't live without.  I may miss the foods a little, but my desire to have them does not outweigh my desire to be healthy.  I want to be healthy; I want to feel good.  There is nothing I have eaten that makes me question my decision to have weight loss surgery.

The Joy of Snacking

I enjoy snacking.  My favorite right now is the White Cheddar popcorn from Smartfood.  I like the flavor and it's nice to just sit and munch on.  Plus it's pretty inexpensive compared to chips.

There are certain times that I'm particularly prone to snacking--when I'm sitting at the computer watching a Netflix show, during a RPG with friends, when I'm bored, when I'm reading...  You get the picture.  I like to think that I don't snack much, but it tends to add up.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how life will be different after weight loss surgery.  So how will my life change if I can no longer snack in the way I'm used to snacking?  I sometimes get a little figgety and I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands.  Maybe I can find another activity to do with my hands?  Or maybe I just need to sit in the discomfort of not having something to do.  It's okay to be bored, right?  And if I need a slight distraction or something to do while I'm watching a show or something else, then maybe the activity isn't really holding my interest in the first place.

How much joy do I honestly get out of snacking?  I'm not sure.  It satisfies me in the ways that eating generally satisfies me.  It makes me feel full.  It helps fill a void.  It keeps me occupied.  Is that enough?  I'm thinking no...  I think I will trade the satisfaction of snacking for a more meaningful fulfillment.

Dancing with my Daughter

Last night at my niece's wedding I did something incredibly brave.  I got on the dance floor and danced.  My daughter was dancing completely alone on the floor.  Most guests were just hanging out or in the photo booth.  She was dancing with such abandon.  I urged my husband to go out and dance with her.  He kept refusing.  I wanted so badly to just go out there and dance with her.  But what about my knees?  I haven't danced in years.  I'm also very self-conscious about how fat I am.

But I got up and danced.  I walked out onto that dance floor and danced with my daughter.  Other people joined us, but I got up there.  At first it was awkward for me.  I mean I probably look like crap while I dance.  I felt a little embarrassed.  At the same time I really wanted to dance, and I was having fun with my daughter.  So I decided who cares if everyone thinks I'm too fat to be on the dance floor!  Most likely nobody gives a rat's ass about me!  I let go.  I had fun.  And I absolutely don't regret it.

I danced with my daughter last night!

Friday Art Journal

Untitled

Self-Conscious

I'm so tired of the way I look and the way I feel.  Last night we had a family event and I wore a dress.  Although I felt okay about how it looked standing up, I had never worn it sitting down.  I felt incredibly self-conscious.  The dress kind of clung and my stomach looked huge--which I guess it actually is, but I hate bringing attention to it.  I spent part of the evening clutching a purse to my stomach to try to hide it.  Most likely no one else was paying any attention to me, but I felt like a little, fat troll.

I kept thinking that next summer will be different.  I will look and feel different.

At dinner I also noticed what I'd be able to eat post-op.  I felt pretty good about my options.

Anyway, I am ready to get out of this fat body.

Eating Without Distraction

My husband and I have pinpointed one of our issues that leads to overeating.  We don't sit down together at a table and eat with no distractions.  Actually the only time we really sit down and eat while doing nothing else is when we go eat at a sit-down restaurant.  We almost always eat while we are doing something else.  We eat in the car or eat at home watching tv.  We eat while we watch stuff on the computer or snack while we play a computer game.  We don't concentrate on eating.  We eat in a distracted way.

I want to work towards eating in a deliberate way.  I want to be present while I am eating.  I think that could help me a lot.  I have so many problems with food and I know this is one of them.  I even snack while I'm reading a book.  I'm embarrassed to share this but I have been known to eat something while I'm taking a bath.  I know.  It sounds gross when I say it aloud.

I remember reading somewhere that after the surgery I should plan to do nothing else while eating.  The suggestion was even that I don't talk to anyone either.  I should eat completely free of any distraction.  My husband had a hard time with this suggestion.  He and I really enjoy talking to each other and it's often our ritual to talk about things while we eat--especially if we are actually sitting down at a table.  He's worried that we will lose that very special time together.  I think that's part of the trap for food though.  Food is social ritual.  That's a lot of my Mom's worry too--how it will change my enjoyment of family holidays and get-togethers.  But if I can't change my attachment to food then I will never lose the weight--surgery or not.

Friday Art Journal

Lewd and Abandoned

Alternatives to Food

One of my major barriers to weight loss success is my relationship with food.  Food is my go-to for just about everything--it is my coping mechanism and I use it for every emotion.  I eat when I'm upset, angry, depressed, stressed, anxious, excited and even when I'm bored.

I am working on a list of alternatives to eating for myself.  These are things I can do rather than eat.  I'm hoping by having this list that I will have plenty of options for things to do when I desperately want to eat.  I'm sure my list will grow, but I wanted to share the things I'd like to try instead of food.

• blog
• go for a walk
• go swimming
• take a hot bath
• clean
• self-talk
• play a game
• read
• get some support on a forum
• call or text a friend for support
• collage
• journal
• meditate
• say a mantra or the serenity prayer
• yoga
• color in a coloring book
• teach myself origami
• light therapy
• self-massage
• take a nap
• worry beads
• deep breathing
• accept my feelings and sit in the discomfort
• listen to music
• sing
• write a story
• write a poem
• play Rock Band
• bike (I can't do this yet, but I'm hoping after the surgery...)

That's my list!  I'm pretty happy with it :)