Affirmation Monday

Another Monday of positive thoughts to start my week:

I am a very gifted and intelligent woman.

It's okay to tell people no.

I deserve to do good things for myself.

I love the me that I know I am inside.

Living excites me.

Fears

I’ve been feeling a little under the weather this past week, and the past couple of days I haven’t really felt hungry.  The thought of eating regular meals, let alone extra snacks or junk, doesn’t appeal to me at all.  But I’ve been eating my regular meals anyway.  One side effect is that I haven’t wanted to turn to food to cope with my emotions or boredom.  That’s great, right?  Well that leaves me alone with my thoughts and feelings and nowhere for them to go.

At times I felt desperate for… something.  I don’t know what.  I know that I was left with this feeling of loneliness.  I felt like there was nothing to do--like I had nothing meaningful that was just for me.

I think there are several things at work here.  I have so many fears of just being myself.  I believe I’m worried about just being alone with my thoughts.  I’m worried about the risk of trying and failing.  I’m also concerned about how being truly me might change my relationships.  I have a tendency to sacrifice my needs and desires for the needs and desires of my husband and children.  What happens when I begin to have firm expectations?  What happens when I have to say no?  Will everything be okay?  And how do I know when to be selfish and when to let it go?

So much of what I do is living on autopilot.  I want to live.  I have to accept that by not eating away the pain, I will have to experience the pain and work through it.  I will have to accept that I will fail.  And sometimes succeed.  I will have to embrace my imperfections.  I will have to adjust and change.  And that also means my family will have to adjust and change.

I have so many fears.  I think it’s time I began to face them.

My Obituary: Part I

Last night I thought about death.  Death and dying are subjects I try not to think about.  I believe that when we die, we cease to exist--or at least our consciousness ends.  That thought absolutely terrifies me.  I am scared of not being anymore.  So I stay away from the thought.  I know that I do need to explore my thoughts and feelings about death.  It's a difficult one to tackle, though.

I've seen an exercise before where you write your own obituary.  It's supposed to be a way for you to write how you want to live your life.  What would you have wanted to accomplish before death?  How would other people have seen your life?

I'm not sure if I can encapsulate my life in a couple of paragraphs.  But I like the idea.  So for now, let me start with words that I would like to be included.  These are words that I would like to come to people's minds when they think of me:

bold

daring

explorer

world traveler

empathy

renaissance woman

loving

mother

wife

passionate

educator

dynamic

embraced life

artist

creative

soul

a light in the dark

I live up to some of these more than others.  I guess I have some work to do if I want to embody these words in my life!

Art Keeps Me Going...

I like to make collages.  I'm not sure how I feel about calling myself an artist.  I'm trying to own it, but it is something I'm working on.  My collages help me keep going.

Motherhood

Physical Limitations

I can be an idiot sometimes.  I decided that the grass needed to be mowed--it's been needing it for several days to be honest--and I know my husband doesn't have time to do it today.  I had my son do half of the front yard for me.  Why not the entire yard?  Because I hate making anyone do anything.  I hate it because I usually ask very nicely to please do _____ when you can.  And it doesn't get done.  And then I ask multiple times with a deadline.  Still doesn't get done.  I've tried, more recently, to just tell them to do it.  And I've learned that if I don't say "do it now," then it won't get done until I do.  So when I told him to do half the yard, I felt I was being fair and I was being firm that he had to do that half.

Of course I did the other half.  It was exhausting.  It really wasn't much yard.  And I like our mower--it works pretty easily.  I was so glad when I was done.  And I kind of stumbled my way back in the house.  My heart was absolutely pounding and I was gasping for breath.  I was so hot and I just desperately wanted my heart to slow down.  I can be such an idiot sometimes.

I can't keep doing this to myself.  

1.  I need to ask for help--and then be firm.  I am NOT Superwoman.  I cannot do everything.  I need to delegate and let it go.

2.  I need to lose the weight and get into some semblance of shape.  I feel miserable, and I want more out of my life than this.

Shield of Brokenness

I am dysfunctional.

I am broken.  It makes my friend, Jen, upset when I call myself broken.  I believe it's true.  And I'm really okay with being broken.  I think in some ways it makes me special--I am a unique snowflake.  I wear my brokenness as a badge of honor.  I am a survivor.  I have lived through roughness.  I keep myself protected.
When I look at it that way, some of the self-blame slips away.

I want to go further than that.  I want to step out from behind the shield of my brokenness--from the shield of my fat.  And it is a shield.  It protects me from hurt.  It doesn't do a fantastic job--it's just a quick fix to stop the immediate pain, and in the long run it hurts me more than the original pain.  I need to stop blaming myself, and I need to allow life in--pain and love alike.

Negative Self-Talk

I do a lot of negative self-talk, especially about food.  I've started tracking some of my thoughts and feelings when I want food.  My self-talk can be pretty outrageous.  I need to recognize that I'm doing this to myself.  I know these thoughts are not reality.  But they feel true.  And so I choose to believe them.  Why am I so frightened of the truth?  I guess if I don't risk anything real, then I can't lose.  Which is totally bullshit, because life is loss.  I lose all the time.  And sometimes I win.  Despite myself.

Here are some of the falsehoods I've been telling myself:

• I'm so fat, it's not like eating this would make a difference
• I saved the best part of the meal for last, so now I have to keep eating so I can have the best part
• No one cares if I eat this
• I should be able to eat if I want to
• I need to eat something now, even though I'm not hungry, because I might miss my chance to eat
• I won't feel satisfied if I don't eat all of it

And those were just the worst offenders from one day of tracking.  I need to really start allowing myself to believe good things about myself.  I need to believe that I'm worthy of goodness.  And I need to believe that it's okay to let in the good and the bad--it's okay to live.  I know all this.  I can see all this rationally.  I'm at a loss as to how to actually move forward.

Affirmation Monday

I'm working through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  It's a truly wonderful book.  I definitely think a key to finding myself is through my art and creativity.  Part of the assignments involve writing in a kind of journal every morning.  After writing, the instruction is to find any blurts--hurtful or negative things you say about yourself.  Then you turn the blurt into a positive affirmation.  It's a lovely idea.

What I'd like to do is start my week with some of the affirmations I created.  So here are a few of my favorites from last week:

Being vulnerable is good--it is living.

I AM good enough.

I am worthy and deserving of happiness.

I'm a very good Mom.

I can change.  I will change.

I'm going to make these a part of my life this week.  Feel free to borrow them or create your own.  We need to stop beating ourselves up, and begin to see ourselves as the truly beautiful people we are.

Truths

I feel like there's a great dichotomy that exists in my mind and self.  On one side, I desperately want change.  I want to feel better and succeed.  On the other side, I am fearful that if I look too deeply, I will have to change.  So how can I want change and yet not want it?

I have started tracking all my thoughts and feelings when I want to eat.  It's very eye-opening.  It's also difficult--I'm not always sure what I am thinking or feeling.  These negative thoughts I tell myself are not totally true if I'm completely honest with myself.  I think instead they are my fears of what might be true.  Unfortunately, I have internalized these lies or deceptions as the TRUTH.

So why can't I seem to internalize the positive thoughts I have about myself?  When I am absolutely honest with myself, I can say, quite rationally, that I am intelligent and creative.  I can see so many positive qualities in myself.  And yet...   I don't know.  I obviously don't think I deserve to be happy.  It seems that it is safer and more comfortable to feed myself the lies than to risk believing in myself and failing.  I mean, if I never try then I can never screw it up, right?

I can look at this.  I can see it.  And it strikes me as real.  It hits this chord deep inside me, and just typing that brought me to tears.  It isn't that simple, and I know there is more to it than that.  But now that I see one piece of the puzzle that makes up my brokenness, how do I even begin to unravel it?  How do I change it?  Because my inclination is always to leap head first; it's all or nothing.  I can't do that this time.  I need to make small changes in my thinking and in my behavior.  So that is what this blog is about.  The slow change to become me--the me I know is in here, waiting (not so patiently!) to be free.

No More Junk

I am in constant struggle to understand myself.  I will sometimes eat until I almost feel sick.  It makes me feel some self-loathing that I do this to myself.  Why do I treat myself this way?  Why do I believe that I am not worth being kind to?

I had an open bag of Cheetos.  I tossed it into the trash because I wanted to get rid of it.  If it isn't here then I won't mindlessly snack on it.  A little while later, I went to the trash and grabbed the bag.  The trash wasn't yucky, and I had closed the bag before throwing it away.  And, yes, I ate some Cheetos.  I am so totally disgusted with myself.  I am beating myself up for it.  I know I need to let it go.  Relax and release.  I messed up.  It's okay to mess up, right?

I threw it away again.  This time I dumped the Cheetos out into the trash bag.  I also threw away a Twix I had squirreled away.

No more junk.  No more junk.  One more time:

No more junk.

I can't keep doing this to myself.  I am going to let go.  I am going to quit the junk.  I will still eat what I choose to eat, but it will no longer include junk food.  No bags of chips or candy.  I have to care about myself.  So here is step one.

No more junk.

Trapped by Food

I've been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks.  I want to have the surgery, but in the end I don't think it will work for me unless I honestly change my relationship with food.  This decision will also have an enormous impact on my husband's eating.  I will have to change the way I think of food, and what food means to me.

I haven't really changed my eating habits yet.  I have a tendency to rush into things head first, and then when I mess up it all goes in the trash.  So I think I need to take this a step at a time.

Why is eating and food so important to me?  I live in south Louisiana and everything revolves around eating.  We take great pride in our cooking.  It's nearly impossible to do something social that doesn't involve food--birthdays, weddings, funerals, celebrations.  Even when we just get together with our friends, there is food involved.  Food is my go to.  For everything.  I also feel like many of my relationships center around food.  I work days and my husband works nights, so we have a limited amount of time together.  So what do we do in our time together?  We eat.  And lately we've been going out to eat for almost every meal.  

I also snack a lot in the evenings--especially when I'm alone.  I don't like being alone, so I fill my time with food.  I find a moment of feeling content and satiated.  Food makes me feel good.  It's instant gratification.  And it has been there for me at times when I was deep in despair.  It's hard to let that go.

Lately when we've been going out to eat, I think about what I'm eating.  I ask myself, "Can I live without this food for the rest of my life?"  When I feel sad about not eating some of my favorite foods, I ask myself, "Why does this make me sad?  Why is this food so important to me?  Is it more important than my health and self-worth?"

Food (the way I'm eating it) has a price.  I'm morbidly obese.  I have borderline high blood pressure.  I have high cholesterol.  My knees are totally screwed up.  My self-worth and self-image are damaged almost to the point where I wonder if I can ever fully recover.  For so many years I've lived in a state of depression.  It's almost funny--right now I feel very stable emotionally.  I wouldn't consider myself depressed because for the most part I feel okay.  I'm functioning.  I took a depression inventory, and it places me at a moderate level of depression.  It's scary that my idea of stability is moderate depression.

There's also a financial cost.  Since we eat out so much, we are overspending every month by hundreds of dollars.  We can't keep this up.  I can't keep this up.  I can't keep living like this--in some sort of limbo.  I need to be able to begin moving forward with my life.  I want and need to feel like I'm living.  I can't keep waiting for things to get better.  I have to be the instrument of making my life better.

I am trapped by food.  In every way that matters.  My goal is to sever those bonds, and change my relationship with food.  Wish me luck!

Bariatric Surgery in Louisiana

I have been researching my options for a few weeks now.  It looks like the price for self-pay is about $15,000.  My issue (other than that being pretty damn expensive) is that I'm worried about hidden costs.  A friend who had the surgery a number of months ago mentioned that her total ended up being $21,000.  Another person I know said $16,000.  I contacted my top choice (so far) and requested an itemized breakdown of the costs for a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  Here is my email and the reply:


Good Afternoon,

I am interested in having vertical sleeve surgery through Dr. -------.  I will be self-paying, so I was hoping I could get a complete, itemized breakdown of the costs.  I see that you list $14,800 as the cost, but I wanted to find out what is not included in that cost.  A friend of mine had VSG (not through Dr. ------) last year and she said the cost was more like $21,000 including post-op labs.  Another friend said her costs were about $16,000.  I just want to make sure I know how much I will have to save up in order to be able to have the surgery.

Also, I would be interested in coming to an information session.  When are the dates and times over the next couple of weeks?

Thanks,

Kelly

Our fee for a VSG includes everything standard to the surgery, ie. Pre-op testing, hospital fees, overnight stay, anesthesia, physician fees including consultation and post op visits for 5 years, physician assistant fee, and 90 days of post op complication coverage. The only thing not covered is the surgery clearance you will need to obtain from your primary care physician, and any other specialist that you see (cardiology, pulmonology, etc.).

I see that you registered. The next step would be to call the office to schedule a consultation with Dr. ------.

Thank you, 

------- Office Manager for _________________________ ------, MD Bariatric Surgery

So far, so good.  It sounds like the cost would be $14,800, which includes everything except for pre-surgery clearance from my PCP and any specialists.  Right?  

I called the office this morning to find out if they offered a free seminar/information session.  I was told that yes, I could come for the seminar, which is free, but usually they also schedule a consultation for you with the surgeon at that time.  The consultation fee is $150.  I know it seems like a small deal, but this troubles me.  I very clearly asked for all the costs, and I feel mislead.  What else wasn't I told about?  I honestly need to know if I need to save up $14,800 or if I need to save up $21,000--no small difference!

I passed on the consult for now.  I think it's still a bit early to meet with a surgeon.  The absolute earliest I could have the surgery would be December, but it's more likely going to be next February or April.  It's my intention to share on this blog my journey.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Back to the drawing board...

So yeah.  Not surprisingly, I have been eating in unhealthy ways for a while now.  It was very hard getting back on Ideal Protein.  It also got very expensive, and we were having trouble paying for it and the bills.  In the end, though, it's excuses.  I messed up and as usual I gave up and gave in.  So where does that leave me?

I am severely obese.  I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food.  I eat to cope, to escape, to feel, to numb, to celebrate, to have something to do.  Food is my go to for everything.  I am surrounded by food and by eating situations.  Does food addiction exist?  I don't know, but I know that something is wrong with the way I handle food and eating.  Do I have an eating disorder?  Possibly--but not the usual culprits.  I'm not anorexic nor bulimic.

A couple of years ago I did a lot of research into bariatric surgery.  I didn't exactly give up the idea, but I put it on the back burner because of how expensive it is and it seemed very drastic.  Well it's back on the front burner.  I have tried almost every diet.  I've had some temporary successes, but I've never changed my relationship with food.  I am going to save up to have a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  It may take me a long time to save up the money, so it's a long ways off.  But this is important to me.  I am important to me.

In the meantime, I am beginning to closely examine my eating habits and my relationship with food.  I have been reading and journaling and thinking.  I feel like I'm slowly getting some answers.  I want to change, and I can feel that I am so close!  I am going to keep exploring and I will break this connection with food somehow.