New Art In Progress

I set up my artist space.  I haven't organized all my crap yet, but I went ahead and set up what I could.  I have some pretty good lighting, but I think I need to set up some additional lighting right at the desk.

I also started a new collage today.  I'm very excited!  I found a 12"x16" canvas that my daughter must have forgotten she had.  It was just mixed up in my art supplies.  So I have pilfered it.  From my daughter.  I'm such a wonderful mom ;)

I have never done a collage on canvas before.  And I don't usually work with anything larger than a sheet of paper in a sketchbook.  So this is a new experience for me.  I knew that I wanted to do a piece that is a reflection of me and where I'm at in my journey.  I'm really pleased with it so far and I will definitely post a pic once it's finished.

I like the way it makes me feel to work on a collage.  It's kind of like a creative puzzle... taking things that draw me in and manipulating them that way.  I always shrugged off what I do with collages.  I'm not a "real" artist because I use art and photos that have already been created.  But I think now that what I do is art... in it's own way.  And regardless, it makes me happy to work.  In the end, that's all that matters.

Soundtrack for My Musings

I started a new Pandora station to listen to when I want to feel inspired for my creativity.  I've been listening to it while I blogged and while I clean and get my artist space ready.

Here are the artists I'm currently enjoying:

• PJ Harvey
• Massive Attack
• Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
• Mazzy Star
• Laura Gibson
• Paula Cole
• Regina Spektor
• Coldplay
• Emiliana Torrini
• Sarah McLachlan

Have a listen to some Laura Gibson...

Artist's Way - Weeks Two & Three

So I've been attending an Artist's Way workshop at the local library.  We had our second official meeting last week.  It went okay.  I have been finding that I am resistant to chapters two and three.

I have just really found the text to be very negative about people in general.  The author talks about unblocked artists trying to deliberately sabotage you.  I understand that sometimes people around us do stop us from things, but I think more honestly it is about their fear and not a malicious sabotage.

I am also not sure about the group setting.  I find small groups to be pretty awkward.  You always have one person who over-shares and monopolizes the group's time.  For the most part my group is okay.  I don't mind them, but one of the ladies is often very negative.  I know she needs an outlet for that, but it's hard for me to make myself go and listen to an hour of it.  I've been working so hard to get myself in a more positive place, and I don't like to deal with the negativity of others right now.  I hope that isn't too harsh of me.  I want to be kind and understanding, as well as be mindful of my empathy.  But I also don't want to be dragged down.  I want to stay positive and I want to enjoy my time there.  I don't want to feel like it's a chore.

I'm going to stick with it--for at least the first four weeks.  I hope I can go the entire twelve weeks, but that's a big commitment.  We shall see.

In the meantime, I've been faithfully doing my morning pages.  It's not always easy to write three full pages, but I'm making it work.  I have found a lot of helpfulness by writing my thoughts.  If nothing else comes from the book and the workshop, that's one practice I hope to continue!

Self-Exploration

So... I'm not sure what I enjoy doing.  Don't get me wrong, I know a number of things I enjoy doing.  The list seems small and I often get stuck in boredom wondering what I can do to bring enjoyment to my life.  I have been seeking meaning, and I am trying to connect with myself to find the meaning.

There are actually a lot of things I think I would enjoy.  There are many things I want to try.  Sometimes I even sit down and make lists of the things I want to do.  And then I look at this big, overwhelming list and don't know where to start.  I also make excuses--I'd have to have a lot of time to do that.  I don't have the money to try that right now.  I don't want to do that by myself.  I can't do that without someone showing me how.  You get the idea.

So I am trying to figure it out.

I have revamped my list, and this time I am trying a couple of things.  I tend to go into things all or nothing, but I'm slowing it down this time.  I want to try to clicker train my dog (and maybe my cats too!).  So I bought a clicker and some treats.  You start really slowly, and I started today.  I also wanted to go buy some seeds, plants, and soil to start up a container garden this weekend.  Unfortunately, my funds are a little tighter than I'd like so I really don't think I should make a large investment in gardening just yet.  So instead of completely giving up (as I have been known to do!), I'm going to start clearing a space on my back patio for the containers, start planning what I might like in the garden, and maybe purchase one packet of seeds.  If I buy seeds here and there then it may not get ridiculously expensive.

Here are a few more items from my exploration list:

• Meditation/Mindfulness
• Photography
• Hiking
• Write a short story
• Costuming
• Falconry
• Learn to draw
• Furniture restoration
• Travel
• Illumination

Interestingly enough, several of the things on the list require no investment except time.  I guess it's about finding the momentum to try something.  Maybe I will set up a play date with myself once a week to try something new.  This is perfect idea for Sundays--something to offset the Sunday Blues!

I'll let you know how it goes!

Where is my art?

Something I've been working hard to not think about is my art.  More accurately--my lack thereof.

Sometimes my depression can spark some creativity, but usually it just shoves my art so far down that I'm not quite sure how to bring it back into the light.  I've been feeling so much better lately.  I'm thinking more positively at work, and really opening myself up to recognizing everyday moments of contentment and even happiness.  So where is my art?

I can feel the desire to do something creative.  I'm hungering to be productive in the parts of myself that play in happiness.  I know it's there.  I'm not worried that it's gone forever.  But I don't know how to bring it back out.  My husband would tell me to just start working on a collage.  And he's probably right.  Just because I don't feel like starting something doesn't mean that it isn't there patiently waiting for me to begin.

And yet I keep finding excuses.  I don't have a space to work on things.  It takes time to pull out all my collage stuff and get to work.  Then I have to clean up and take a couple of days to seal the paper.  It seems overwhelming, which sounds really silly.

So maybe I need to start with baby steps.  Today I will start clearing a space for my art.  Then maybe I will sort through some of my supplies.  To be honest it would be hard for me to locate what I need because everything is so cluttered.  So I need to reign in some of the chaos.  But then I need to begin.  Because that's the only way for my art to come out.  It can't come out to play if I keep waiting for something to push me to do it.

Progress, not perfection!

Fighting the Funk

It's evening and I feel funky.  I know that tomorrow I have to go to work.  Work hasn't been so bad lately, but I can feel my heart racing.  I feel trapped--like I have no choice and there is no escape.  I know I only have a couple more hours and then my night is over.  Then I will sleep and wake up and go to the place I dread going.

Sounds silly, right?  It's just work.  There's no real danger from work.  Things have been slightly better for me at work and I think this anxiety is just a little left-over panic.  My "Sunday Blues" as I used to call them.  When my day/weekend/freedom is coming to a close and I desperately want it to continue.

So I'm sitting here and I'm just breathing.  I'm concentrating on this moment, and not tomorrow.  I am accepting that I feel the anxiety and not judging it.  I'm not silly and neither are my feelings.  But I am reassuring myself that I am okay, that I don't need to panic.  My night isn't over, and even though I will go to work in the morning, that day will end too and I will eventually be home and it is all okay.  Breathe.  And just be in this moment.

I think it's time for some small things that bring me contentment and peace.  It's time for a late meal, some soothing music, and maybe a bath or a cuddle with a pet.  And I will keep breathing and it will be okay.

Documentary on Happiness

I watched a really good documentary on happiness called "Happy."  It's available on Netflix, and it's been sitting in my queue for months.

I'm so glad I took the time to watch it.  It looks at happiness--what the science says as well as experiential happiness.  It's a wonderful reminder that happiness isn't really found in material goods.  Yes, we require some basic things and without them it is very difficult to be happy.  But does my new smartphone truly bring me happiness?  I may be glad when it arrives and it's shiny and new.  But that satisfaction is extremely fleeting.  It leaves and I never again capture that feeling.  Experiences, however, can continue to bring back moments of happiness and contentment.  I can look at a photo of a wonderful experience, or even think about it, and I'm there.

Anyway, the documentary is really good and I would recommend it if you're in the mood.

Here are some of my notes that I want to take with me from watching "Happy"

• Exercise - especially in novel ways
• Flow
• Loving Kindness Meditation
• Compassion Meditation
• Tracking thankfulness every week
• Acts of kindness
• Play
• New Experiences

Today I've payed attention and recognized those moments when I felt contentment--cooking dinner with my husband; being productive with some work while I watched a documentary; eating a healthy and delicious meal.  I want to hold on to these moments when they happen.  I've smiled today and felt glad for noticing that I am happy and thankful for experiencing these moments.

Ups and Downs

Staying positive isn't as easy as one would hope.  Some people make it look so smooth.  It's a constant battle for me when things aren't going well.

My day usually starts out well--I'm moving forward and feeling good.  And then inevitably something happens to disrupt my momentum or something happens outside of my control.  That's when the problems start for me.  For instance, on Friday at work, my supervisor was supposed to be available to assist me with something only she could help with.  It was a time-critical task, and I needed her four times during the day.  I had let her know in advance.  I even planned in some cushion time because I realize she can't drop everything and come assist me.  And yet... I often had to wait 15-30 minutes for her to come help me.  What I needed literally took less than two minutes.  And what I was doing was required, and very important.  But still I waited.  It began to feel like I was being disrespected.  The thirty-minute wait was the worst.  I stood, waiting, steaming.  And I had to constantly remind myself to let it go.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay and that even if I didn't finish this time-critical task, that life would go on.  I could pick up the pieces on Monday if I absolutely had to.

Was I able to do it?  More or less.  I won't say that it was easy, and I won't say that I was 100% successful.  But I was able to hang in there, and I made the effort.  So back to my quote from Julia Cameron, "Progress, not perfection".

I have a hard time letting go.  I am trying, and it's a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  And that's okay!

The Artist's Way

The Artist's Way is a book by Julia Cameron that walks you through making that connection with your inner creativity.

I have started and stopped it several times over the years.  It does require some time and commitment to make it work, and I have trouble making that commitment to myself sometimes.

I signed up for "The Artist's Way" workshop at a local library and we just started up.  I had missed the informational meeting because of work, so I did not do the reading or the homework in advance.  We have a large group participating but we broke up into smaller groups to discuss the first chapter and some of the tasks.

I always find small groups a little awkward.  It's difficult to feel your way around that group dynamic.  You usually have someone who wants to monopolize the discussion and someone else who hardly talks.  I usually fall somewhere in the middle--I don't mind participating and I don't even mind leading, but I don't like to put too much out there.  I think it's because I don't want to be judged, and I'm hypersensitive about the possibility of monopolizing the discussion.

We had a pretty good small group.  Again, it's a little awkward.  We are all from different backgrounds and we all participated in different ways.  It will be interesting to see how we grow and how the group develops.

During the two-hour meeting, I felt my own resistance rise up.  I worried about sharing and I worried that this whole thing was a waste of my time.  But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  I need something for myself.  I am going to give this workshop a genuine try.  I need to do these kinds of things for myself.  I want to grow as a person, and I know that I get nervous around people I don't know.  I let anxiety keep me from getting out of my comfort zone all too often.  So this time, I am going to stick with it.

If you haven't tried the book, I can recommend it--even if you start and stop it over and over ;)

Coming Out On The Other Side

I'm coming out of a pretty deep funk.

I sort of lost my job--administrative transfer, not fired--and ended up somewhere I wasn't expecting.  I started out trying to make the most of it, and going full tilt as per usual.  I was absolutely miserable.  I felt alone and scared, and totally unprepared for my new job duties.  I received almost no training and yet I was responsible for critical things.  It brought up all my anxiety and depression.  On top of that, the migraines came back.

I struggled to get up in the mornings.  My mind screamed for me to run away and do anything that would keep me from going to work.  I would sometimes panic at work and have to shut the door and just calm myself down.  I would leave work and cry the whole drive home.  I considered leaving, but felt trapped.  I make decent money and most positions I thought about applying for would require a significant cut in pay.

Last Wednesday I went on a job interview.  It went okay--I did well but not spectacular.  I didn't dazzle them like I was hoping to.  I went home that evening disappointed in myself.  And then I decided that it wasn't worth all this agony.  I am miserable and unhappy.  But I don't want to feel that way anymore.  I made the decision that I was going to learn how to let some of this go.

So when I went to work the next day, I made a concentrated effort to not let things get to me.  I decided I was going to be happy, dammit!  It wasn't easy, and I wasn't totally successful.  But I did find that it made my day a little more bearable.  When I felt overwhelmed, I would take a moment and breathe deeply.  I tried to let any negative emotions go.  I went out of my way to spend some time on myself, and didn't drive myself insane working hard every moment of the day.  I got some work done, and I praised myself for accomplishing what I did.  I began to acknowledge my progress, instead of just pushing myself on and on and on.

I also did some research into being content or even happy when you dislike your job.  I found some information particularly helpful for me:

• Choose to be happy - think positively and focus on the aspects of my work that I like
• Do something I like every day (in and out of work)
• Avoid negativity
• Take a little time to be social with positive people
• Recognize and be proud of my skills and abilities
• Be creative at work
• Play outside of work
• Give thanks and appreciation
• Start a new project
• Stop griping/ruminating/wallowing
• Keep working towards my passion
• Monotask at least once per day
• Schedule a one-minute meditation
• "Progress, not perfection"

These really stood out to me.  I'm going to start trying to implement them.  Maybe one per week to really concentrate on.

I also found an article that said I needed to be having more frequent sex!  Love it.  So, yes, that one is going on my list too!

Finally, I have signed up to take "The Artist's Way" workshop through a local library.

Baby steps.  Small victories.  Stay positive.  Wish me luck!


Sources:
http://www.careerealism.com/9-ways-to-be-happy-in-a-job-you-dont-like/
http://dawnbarclay.com/10-ways-to-be-happy-at-work-even-if-you-hate-it
http://humanresources.about.com/od/success/tp/happy_work.htm
http://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/the-artists-way-a-spiritual-path-to-higher-creativity/