I'm here but there have been a few issues

I've been weighing (ha!) my decision to return to my blog. I had my surgery and two weeks later developed complications. I spent nearly three months off work and had multiple hospital stays, outpatient procedures and even a surgery during that time. I've been through the wringer and feeling tired and emotional. 

If you had asked me even two weeks ago if the surgery was worth it, I'm not sure what my answer would have been. My original complication would have been seriously life-threatening if we hadn't caught it when we did. I had so many self-doubts during the pain and misery of recovery. I tried to stay positive but it was often hard. 

Now, however, I can say that I am feeling better now. I am back at work and although I had some worries about coming back, it has all worked out. I can also say that my weight loss has been dramatic. I went out of my way to not weigh in while I was so sick. Understand that my weight loss was more dramatic because of my complications making it very difficult for me to eat much if anything. 

At three months post-op I have lost just over 60 pounds. I now weigh 193.8. So I'm also below 200, which is amazing!

So what about the blog? Well I was too ill to really keep it up during recovery. And I just don't know. I don't think anyone is even reading this. I had planned to keep blogging because I know that when I did my research I wanted to read about other people's experiences and maybe someday someone will want to hear my story. Then again I'm probably just sitting here blogging to myself. And that's honestly okay with me. I'm just not sure this is my forum any longer.

First Post-Op Appointment

Yesterday was my first post-op appointment with my surgeon.  It was very brief and to the point.  I guess that's the thing when you deliberately choose a surgeon for being one of the best surgeons without caring about his/her personality or bedside manner.  He's very efficient, but that doesn't leave a lot of room or time for coddling me.  I'm actually okay with that.  I had a brief fight with cancer five years ago and I was glad to have the best surgeon.  I never saw him smile until my very last visit with him post-op.  I didn't mind sacrificing warm, fuzzy feelings for cold, clinical ability.

Anyways...  the appointment went well.  I weighed in and was given a sheet that explained what I could expect between now and the next appointment.  Then I spoke to my surgeon for a few minutes, he made sure I was doing okay and asked if I had any questions.  I really didn't.  I've been researching this surgery for two+ years now so I could probably be a coach for it.  And that was it.  It was probably my quickest doctor appointment ever.

And here are the stats:

Weight 234.5 lb   (down from 254 @ my initial consult)
BMI  42.9     (down from 46.5 @ my initial consult)
Fat %  48.3%    (down from 50.5%)
Fat Mass  113.5 lb   (down from 128.51)
FFM  121.0 lb

So there you have it!  I'm hoping to take some pics this weekend and post them.  I can tell I've lost weight by looking at my face, and also along my upper torso.

8 Days Post-Op

I wanted to give an update yesterday on my week since surgery-versary, but I was honestly just tired and didn't feel like getting on my computer.  I had an allergic reaction to the glue my surgeon used on the incision sites, so I don't really want to take measurements yet.  Plus I'm sure I still have some swelling so it can wait.  Actually, my abdomen looks kind of lopsided at the moment--the right side sticks out a little more than the left.

I can give you my weight for yesterday (One Week Post-Op):
238.4 lbs!

That's 6.5 lbs down in the week since my surgery and I'm down a total of 16.8 since I began my pre-op diet!!!  So yay! That's exciting :)

I can tell by looking at my face that I've lost weight.  But I still have a ways to go before I go down a clothing size.  When I was on Ideal Protein, it took me almost 30 lbs before I went down to an 18/20.  I lost about 33 lbs on Ideal Protein over three months.  I think I will have that beat shortly!

I started back at work today.  I was initially planning to work a 1/2 day for the first few days, but I ended up getting busy and the time flew by and... well it was close to my usual time when I finished what I was working on so I asked my boss if I could just slip out 30 minutes early.  I was absolutely beat when I got home.  I feel so tired.  I will play tomorrow by ear.  I was able to eat what I needed to eat.  I did try to shoot for closer to 2.5-3 oz eat time I drank rather than 2.  It allowed me to put a little more time in between my meals.  That helped a bit.  I was very careful not to overdo it!  I did the 3 oz for water ONLY and just tried to take a couple extra sips of protein each meal.

I've also gotten bored with my Isopure ready-to-drink protein drinks. I really wanted to get a little variety. I have also found that by adding some things together I can get the protein I need. Keep in mind that I am not getting many calories in every day. It's a struggle to get in enough protein each day! Here is what my meals looked like today:

1 packet of Unjury Vanilla protein powder mixed with 8 oz of unsweetened soy milk

1/2 can cream of chicken & mushroom soup mixed with 1/2 can of water and 1 packet of Unjury unflavored protein powder

Each of those was divided into 2 oz containers but I did try to drink slightly more than one container per meal

Day Five Post-Op

In general, I'm feeling a little better.  I can move and sleep a little easier.  I'm getting in all my protein every day.  I'm still pretty sore and I get these twinges of pain in my chest when I swallow sometimes.

My biggest issue is my skin around the incision sites.  It appears I am allergic to the glue they used.  So now my skin around the incision sites is all red and I have little bumps everywhere.  My entire abdomen itches, and it's just generally uncomfortable.  And there's nothing I can do to make it better.  They can't give me steroids, which would be the normal route for this.  They can't remove the glue because it's too soon after my surgery.  So that leaves me with taking Benedryl.  I can also put ointment on the red, itchy areas, but I have to be very careful not to get it on the incisions.

There are certainly worse things that could have gone wrong with this.  I am just going to keep moving forward.  The PA for my surgeon told me that this wouldn't go away for probably a couple of weeks.  That is not awesome.  So yay me.

In case you're curious what I'm "eating" at this point post-op, here is my menu for the day:

• Syntrax Nectar Fuzzy Navel protein shake (8 oz divided into 2 oz portions)
• Campbell's Cream of Chicken and Mushroom Soup with a packet of Unjury unflavored protein (1/2 of it today, so 8 oz divided into 2 oz portions)
• Isopure Apple Melon RTD (6 oz divided into 2 oz portions)

That gets me my goal of protein.  I alternate 2 oz of protein and 2 oz of water all day.  It's way few calories, which makes me a little nervous, but hopefully soon my stomach capacity will allow for me to take in more calories.  It should get much better when I can add mushy foods to my diet.

Day Four Post-Op

Today I have moved from clear liquids to full liquids--which means I can add in regular protein shakes, soy/skim milk, and strained cream soups!  Unfortunately, this will also be my diet for the remainder of my first two weeks post-op.

I slept horribly last night.  I really need to take some pain medicine before I go to sleep.  I'm just stubborn, but I definitely suffered last night.

My incision sites are pretty damn red and my skin is itchy.  I will have to keep a close eye on them this weekend to make sure I don't get a skin infection.

I just feel generally miserable.  I ache and I hurt a little, but it's not the worst thing ever.  It's just enough for me to not want to do anything.  I feel tired because I didn't sleep well at all last night.  I'm not hungry at all, but every 15-20 minutes I have to drink either water or protein drink.  I know it will get better.  I just wish I could feel a little better a little sooner.

It will get better.  I will feel better soon.

Day Three Post-Op

I'm feeling a little better this morning.  I managed to sleep most of the night, and I think I needed the rest.  I think my only concerns now are my incisions and going back to work.

I have a tendency to get skin infections after surgery.  I even warned the pre-op nurse about it.  Well the area around my incisions is nice and red, warm to the touch.  It doesn't necessarily mean that it's infected.  It's just a red flag for me though.  My skin is itchy and I think the red is spreading.  So I will call my surgeon's office today and give them the heads up about my skin.

I fully intend to go back to work next Tuesday.  I don't want to use up all my leave--I need to save some for my post-op appointments and for if I get sick at all this school year.  I'm worried though because I know I will still feel weak, and I will have to constantly interrupt my work to sip on my protein supplements and on water.  I think I should feel much better by then, but it's still a bit of a concern.  My boss is usually pretty cool and I think she would let me work from home for a couple extra days, but I hate to ask.

Overall I think my recovery is going well.  One good thing is that I have absolutely no hunger.  I've been taking my vitamins every day, getting in my protein and most of my water.  I don't have a lot of pain--I will get twinges of pain here and there.  Mostly I'm kind of achy.  I wish I could soak in the tub for a while or sleep through this part of the healing.  But since I can't, I'm just taking things one step at a time.

The days are long

There are times when I wish I could speed through life just a little. I am ready to be done with these first few post-op days. It's very hard to get in all my protein. I also ache everywhere. 

I am trying to pamper myself a bit. I took half a dose of my pain meds to maybe take the edge off the pain. I was able to take a nice nap. Unfortunately I can't just sleep all day and let my body heal up. I have to push my liquids and do deep breathing and go for short walks. So I need most of the hours in my day. 

I'm feeling a bit emotional and vulnerable which is pretty common for me after surgery. The good news is that I don't feel any hunger whatsoever and I have no regrets. I'm tired and cranky and hurt. But this is going to pass. Each day I should feel a little better. I just hope I feel well enough to return to work next week

Post-Op Day Two

I feel pretty crappy today.  My entire body aches.  I have to drink 2 oz every 20 minutes so I can get in all my protein and all my water for the day.  I slept horribly.  I could take something for the pain, but usually the pain meds make me feel worse rather than better.  So I'm holding off.

I drink my little 2 oz, but I honestly can't tell my fullness yet.  I haven't thrown up yet, so that's good.  I'd like to avoid that at all costs.

I feel pretty exhausted.  Laying down is very uncomfortable.  I wish I could relax in the bathtub, but I can't take a bath for at least a few more weeks.  I am allowed to take a shower, but they suggested that I not let the water hit my incisions directly.  Mine were glued and the water could make the glue come loose.

I don't have any regrets yet.  I am just eager to get out of this stage.  I don't like feeling miserable and I have to remind myself that this will pass.  Today isn't quite as bad as yesterday.  Hopefully each day will have me feeling better.

I had my surgery!

I'm writing this from my hospital bed. I had the surgery this morning. I'm finding that having air in your body sucks pretty badly and the first two times I stood (with assistance), I thought I was going to pass out.

But now I'm in my hospital room getting ready to sleep some more. I mostly wanted to say that I did fine and should be released tomorrow

Surgery Tomorrow!

My surgery is tomorrow morning!  

I finished my two week pre-op diet yesterday.  This morning I was able to have a light breakfast, but now I am on clear liquids for the rest of the day.  I can drink until midnight and then nothing until I come out on the other side.

I’m excited and nervous.  I’m honestly trying not to think about it.  I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to worry.  There is nothing I can do to make the time go by faster, and there’s nothing else to do but to do it.  I am no stranger to surgeries, and what I have found that helps me is for me to distract myself as much as possible the day before.  I like to watch movies or tv and just stay busy.  I also tend to stay up late.  I know I will have a hard time sleeping, plus it doesn’t really matter if I’m tired tomorrow.  I will be sleeping a lot for recovery, so let me be tired!  

This is it.  This is really happening.  I can’t believe it.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I think I feel ready.  I mean how ready can you actually be?  But I am as ready as I think I can be.  This is it.  My life totally changes beginning tomorrow morning.

My Daily Tools

Starting this journey is exciting and scary.  I have worked so hard to save up the money, and done so much research and planning.  And it’s finally here.  My time is now.

I’ve been continuing to read about and implement new tools in my life to help me succeed.  I recognize that I’m the only one who can meet my own needs and reach my own goals.  But along the way, I think these will really be helpful.  I started out complaining to myself that I don’t have enough time to do these things every day, but honestly this is worth it.  I am worth it.  Plus, without my constant obsession with food, I find I actually have more time to do these things.

So here are my daily tools.  I’ve used some of them off and on for over a year.  Some of them are new.  But this is my daily plan.  I am hoping to accomplish these things first thing every morning.

Daily Affirmation - I write a statement to myself, affirming how awesome I am.  This is a hard one, but it gets easier as you go to find something nice to say about yourself.  It also starts to make you really believe good things about yourself.  You may feel silly when you start, but this may be one of the most important steps you take towards loving yourself.

Gratitude - My current goal is to write down five things I’m grateful for.  There are always my easy stand-bys like my husband and kids, etc.  Sometimes I challenge myself further and really examine what I’m grateful for in my life.  This really helps you realize how much you actually have in your life.

Tarot/Meditation/Reflection Card - This is a new practice I’ve begun.  I draw a card and take some time to meditate on or journal about the card’s meaning in my life.  I really enjoy this--it’s funny how the card always seems to have some sort of meaning for me.

Journal - I try to do some writing everyday in a journal.  It isn’t meant to be for anyone else--just me.  I write about anything and everything.  Sometimes some really interesting things come out from writing like that.

Read a Chapter - Right now I’m working on Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero.  I want to make time in my life for some good self-help or spiritual books, but I need to stop rushing through everything.  Reading an entire book in a day or two doesn’t give me any time to work through it or implement the tasks.

Walking - My goal is 30 minutes per day.  That’s what the post-op recommendation is, so I started a week early.  Hopefully down the road I will push further and longer.

Confront my own negative thoughts - This is one that occurs throughout the day.  If I say or think something negative about myself, then I try to notice it.  I like to write it down and then debunk it--I change it to something positive or I point out the actual truth and not just my broken perspective of things.  This is very helpful but it can be hard to remember to do.

Celebrate the Little Victories! - This is one that was hard for me in the beginning.  Again, this is done throughout the day.  I write down every little thing that is a victory for me.  I used to think I could only feel proud of myself for accomplishing something big--staying on a diet or exercise routine for months, or going above and beyond on something.  Now I realize that every little thing is a victory for me.  Every healthy meal, every glass of water, every little bit of walking--everything should be celebrated.  I write down my victories.  I am proud of myself for walking 5 minutes because it’s a victory.  I don’t want to only focus on the things I mess up; I deserve to be celebrated for every little thing I do right :)

Those are my daily tools.  I’ve had to work up to doing them all, so I wouldn’t recommend implementing all of them together.  Start with one of them that really calls to you right now.  Start trying to do it everyday.  It’s okay if you miss a day--start back up the next.  If one of these doesn’t work out for you, that’s okay too.  You need to find the tools that work for you!

Meditation and Journaling with Cards

I wanted to talk a little bit about Tarot cards.  I’m not into fortune-telling or anything; I’m more of a science gal.  But I will totally admit that I have long been fascinated with tarot cards.  I think they have an interesting history, but I also love the artwork of some decks.

A blogger that I have enjoyed reading for a couple of years now uses tarot cards for something else--meditation.  Her name is Susannah Conway and I enjoy her photography and her newsletters.  At the end of each newsletter she always shares a tarot card (from all kinds of decks!) and the meaning.  It’s lovely, and I thought it might be interesting to get my own deck.

I chose the Joie de Vivre tarot deck by Paulina Cassidy.  It just felt like the right choice for where I am in life right now.  I am hoping that over time I will grow my collection!

Today I chose the Four of Wands, which means “vitality, growth, celebration, partnership, stability”  How fitting!

There are a number of ways to use the cards…  some people will draw a card (or select one that’s appropriate for where they are or what they are seeking) and meditate on the card.  You can meditate actively by thinking about the card and it’s meanings for you or you can begin a deep breathing meditation and visualize the card just being aware of your thoughts.  Another thing you can do is to journal about the card--you can do is a stream of consciousness writing about the card, or you can make it more about describing the card and writing about it’s meanings.  I love the stream of consciousness writing idea, so I may incorporate this into my morning journal writings.

How To Make Opti-Fast Chicken Soup More Palatable

Being on Opti-Fast for my pre-op diet has been somewhat rough.  I started out not minding the chicken soup mix, but that quickly got old and yucky.  I didn't have a lot of choices for my meals, and unfortunately I had to eat one soup per day.

I've been experimenting to try to make the soup more palatable.  I would highly recommend making sure you get your water very hot--warm chicken soup is way worse than hot soup.  Here are some flavoring suggestions:

• Lowry's seasoned salt & pepper along with chili powder, then I went crazy with the cumin.  I figure you can never have too much cumin!
• Soy sauce & ginger (and maybe some red pepper flakes if you like spice)
• Curry powder & ginger
• Garlic powder & onion powder
• Bacon & onion seasoning

I find that I'm better off with really fragrant spices--it helps disguise the taste!  You really almost can't go wrong with seasonings.  I tried to pick things that "went" with chicken.  I think the curry & the cumin mixes did the best for me.

I will be sooooooo glad when I am past the pre-op diet!

My Chosen Arsenal

I’ve slowly been working on purchasing some things to help make my life easier after the surgery.  These are tools to help me as I work on changing my eating habits.

Small Plates

I have gotten some tiny appetizer plates and then some dessert/salad plates.  I wanted pretty plates so I can feel they are special.  With smaller plates, the amount of food I eat will take up more room and won’t leave the plate looking empty…

Small Utensils

Same sort of idea here.  With tiny forks and spoons, I won’t be able to eat as much.  This will help me with portion control.  I bought some appetizer forks and spoons since I wasn’t able to find toddler utensils I liked.

Small Containers

For my meals.

Plastic Jello Shot Containers

I wanted some really small containers for when I’m early post-op.  I plan to use these to help me figure out what I can eat in a meal to start with.  I may also use them to keep track of my water intake.  I might set up goals for my water--like one of these every 30 minutes throughout the day.  I liked the jello shot ones because they were the right size, and they have lids!

I also bought some protein powder and ready to drink protein drinks to have on hand.  I will need to get some sugar-free popsicles and broth before my surgery.  Things are moving forward!

Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero

I’ve been reading a lot of books about weight loss surgery, and one book that was recommended to me was Self-Love Diet by Michelle E. Minero.  I’m usually on the fence about self-help books.  I think they can be really helpful, but I’m also pretty skeptical about them too.  Ultimately, just like anything else they are tools that some people may find helpful.  I don’t believe that my salvation lies in any book.  But, I may be able to find some tools that really speak to me in a particular moment.

I am still reading Self-Love Diet, so I don’t feel that I can give an honest review yet.  So far I’m really enjoying it and it is really speaking to me.  I’m taking it slow (as a reviewer on Amazon suggested) and limiting myself to a chapter a day.  There are a lot of chapters, so it may take me many weeks to actually finish.  I figured that’s fine because I may be better about implementing some of what she is talking about.

One thing so far that has really stood out for me is the author’s suggestion to “Act as if” I love myself.  What kinds of things would I be doing for myself if I truly loved myself?  I really like the author’s approach to this.  The Self-Love Diet is not a traditional food diet; it’s about feeding yourself love regularly.  I love that idea.  I am trying to love myself--flaws and all!

To get things rolling, I am starting with a few tools that have helped me in the past:

• Starting the day off with an affirmation - these can be difficult, but the more you do it, the more you begin to believe!

• Catching my negative thoughts and changing them to the positive - also very hard, but very worth it.

• Celebrating my little (and big!) victories

My affirmation today is…

I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!

(This was actually one I struggled with just a tiny bit.  I’m usually loathe to say that I’m beautiful because I don’t always believe that I am.  In the past, I would have not used the word because I would feel like a fraud using it.  As I was writing my affirmation though, the word beautiful came out and when I hesitated I realized that I needed to go ahead and use it.  There was some part of me that wanted to use it because it was a gut feeling of what I should say to myself.  And that is truly something to be celebrated!  Somewhere inside myself I do believe I am beautiful.  So… I am a beautiful woman full of vitality!)

Doubts About Myself

I have to be honest that I'm feeling a little scared and nervous.  I am not second-guessing my decision; I still want this.  I don't even think I'm really craving food or anything either.  I think I'm just scared.  What if I don't succeed?  What if I can't do this?

I really think it will be okay.  I think it will be hard, but I am capable and I can do this.  I guess I'm scared of the unknown.  And what will I do with myself?  What will I reach for when I can't reach for food?  Who am I?  What will I become?  Will I like me?  Will others like me?

I don't allow myself to be bored or to look at things too closely.  What will happen when I see clearly?

It will be okay.  I will be okay.  And it's healthy that I have doubts and fears.  I need to remind myself that it's okay to feel.  It's okay to feel.  Discomfort is normal and natural.  I will be okay.

Boredom

I am so bored! I don't know what to do with myself or my time. I cleaned so much over the weekend. I almost joined a fitness club to have something to do! I need to work on something. I have already planned a trip in 2016--so that's out. Exercise would be an excellent choice, but I should start with walking again. I'm going to try to do that this morning. Art would be a good choice, but for some reason I haven't been in the mood. I could do some journaling... But what kind of project will keep me occupied most of the weekend? Food for thought.

Counting Down: One Week + One Day

My surgery is one week from tomorrow--which means I have been on my pre-op diet for one week.  I’m trying hard not to weigh in so that my surgery weigh-in can be a surprise. I totally admit that I have weighed myself multiple times this week.

My starting weight on 8/16/2015 was 255.2

This morning my weight is 247.3!!!

Sugar-Free Popsicles Rock My World!

I had to run to the store today for some things for my son and I was glancing at my shopping list for my post-op food in case there was anything I could go ahead and buy.  I mentioned casually to my husband that there really wasn't much I could stock up on--if I bought sugar-free popsicles, there's no way they would last until my surgery.  I meant my son would eat them all, but my husband asked if there was any reason I couldn't eat sugar-free popsicles right now.  I think they should be fine--no sugar, no carbs... they have 15 calories each.

So as long as I don't go crazy with them... I think they should be fine.

And let me just say that eating a popsicle makes me so happy.  I'm so tired of the same food over and over.  This helps me just a little bit!  Yay!

Pre-Op Testing Appointment

So one of the hurdles you have to jump through prior to bariatric surgery is a pre-op appointment.  There are different requirements depending on insurance and on your surgeon.  My appointment went like this...

First, I met with someone who got my information and i.d.--if I had been using insurance that would have been part of it too.

Part two was to meet with the pre-op nurse.  We went through what I need to do the night before and the morning of surgery.  She talked a little about the recovery room and what the overnight and release would be like.

Part three was to have my ekg, blood work and urine sample.  I'm a total ninny when it comes to needles so the build up to that was not so awesome, but overall things went very smoothly.

Part four was to meet with the hospital dietitian.  We really just went over the information that my surgeon's office had already given me.  I didn't really learn anything new here.

Part five was a chest x-ray.

Then we had a bit of time to kill before I had to see a physician at another clinic to get my surgical clearance.  Luckily they were able to see me a little early.

And...  that's it.  I'm cleared for the surgery!  No more hurdles.  Now I just stay on the pre-op diet and count down the days until my surgery!

Pre-Op Diet Continues

I meant to post something briefly yesterday (day four of the diet), but I was tired so I skipped it.

But what I wanted to say was that things got easier yesterday.  I woke up feeling pretty good.  I went through the day with no headaches and no hunger.  I did feel a little bit queasy last night before bed, so I'm not sure what was up with that.

I had my pre-op testing appointment today, but I will talk about that tomorrow.  So far today has been good.  I'm actually feeling very slightly hungry right now, but I'm also late eating my protein bar.  So I will go ahead and log so I can eat!

Telling My Boss

Today I told my boss about the surgery.  I had already asked off of work for that week, but I wanted to wait until closer to the date before I told her about the surgery.  She was actually really cool about it.  She was supportive and even asked me to keep her updated and spill all the details once I have it done.  She may be interested in the surgery herself one day.

So I feel so relieved.  I hate missing work--especially for surgery.  One of my co-workers took off months and months following a surgery a couple of years ago.  My co-worker misses work on a fairly regular basis, and I don’t want the comparison.  I want to make sure I am doing my work and that I’m dependable even when I’m dealing with medical issues.

I have been so humbled by all the fabulous reactions to my surgery news.  Granted, I made sure to tell only the people I trust the most.  But I was still expecting some people to react negatively out of worry.  Honestly, everyone has been terrific.  I know this will probably not be the case when other people find out.  I’m not sure how my Dad will react or how some of my co-workers and other friends will behave.  Maybe I will have good luck and not have to deal with negativity and judgement.  Most likely I will still have to deal with some people being assholes.  

I am so excited about this surgery.  I think I have waited for so long now… and it’s finally just around the corner.  I wouldn’t let myself believe that it was finally happening, but it is!  And it’s almost here!  I’m ready to kick ass and take names!

The Pre-Op Diet Sucks

The pre-op diet sucks.  Or at least so far it does.  It's mostly a liquid diet--I get two shake mixes, one ready to drink shake, a soup mix, and a protein bar daily.  The protein bar is like heaven when I'm craving something filling.  Actually, the food itself isn't horrible.  This is only day two and I'm enjoying sipping my soup for dinner as I type this entry.

What does suck are the headaches.  I was expecting them, but they still are no fun.  It hasn't been unbearable, but it's been something I didn't want to deal with on top of everything else.  I'm tired, which should also be expected.  My body wants some carbs.  The part that sucks most is the hunger.  To be honest, it isn't always present.  You would think with much smaller meals than I'm used to, it would be fierce.  Honestly I just get hit with it once or twice a day--usually close to time to eat again.  I haven't had to wait more than 20 minutes or so to eat.  But I am feeling hunger and I don't like it.

At least after the surgery I won't really feel physical hunger--at least not for a long time.  And I will look forward to being able to eat solid food on a regular basis, but I've got weeks to go before that happens.

I have also come face to face with my boredom.  When I don't have anything else to do, I eat.  Well that isn't the case anymore.  I can't eat out of boredom.  I can't eat when I'm upset or not feeling great or tired or whatever.  I have to eat on a schedule because this is fuel that my body needs, and not my coping mechanism anymore.

None of this has changed my mind.  But I just wanted to be real about how I feel.  Plus blogging about it is a way to distract me from wanting to shove a bunch of food in my face.  I just keep reminding myself that this is temporary and that in two weeks I will have my surgery.  Two months from now I will already be noticing the difference.  I can do this.

Counting Down

Two Weeks + One Day!

My surgery will be two weeks from tomorrow!!!  Which means I began my pre-op diet this morning!

So far I feel fine, but I predict headaches tomorrow.  I know from being on Ideal Protein in the past, days two and three are the worst when you are going low carb--that’s when the headaches come :(

My surgeon gave me OptiFast meals for my pre-op diet. Here is my basic meal plan for the next two weeks:

Protein shake mix
Ready to drink shake
Protein bar
Protein shake mix
Soup mix

No caffeine, no carbonation, no sugary drinks

Drink 64+ oz of water every day

Try to walk a little every day

I am sooooooooooooooooooo close!

Pre-Op Diet Statistics

Here are my statistics for this morning as I begin my pre-op diet:

Weight 255.2

Neck 16.2

Upper Arm 21.0

Wrist 7.5

Bust 51.0

Chest 44.5

Waist 50.1

Hips 55.5

Thigh 26.25

Calf 18.0

Protein Bar Theft

Last night I was getting my pre-op diet food sorted.  I wanted to make sure that I would be ready on Sunday morning and that I had everything I needed.  Everything was given to me in this huge paper shopping bag.  What I noticed first thing was that the seal had been broken on one of the boxes of protein bars.  I opened the box and inside was only six bars instead of seven.  I know that it was sealed when I brought it home.

I grilled my husband and kids, but I had a feeling it wasn’t them.  My husband would never have touched them (knowing they were for my pre-op diet), and my kids aren’t into protein bars.  Which left me with my mom.  My mother did me a favor and stayed at my house to dog-sit while we were out of town one week.  I’m 99% sure my mom opened the box and ate one of my bars.

I felt pretty bent out of shape about it.  Sure--she wouldn’t have known that they were set aside for my pre-op diet.  But when I came home she had even mentioned how proud she was of me getting ready for my surgery and mentioned the diet food in the bag in the pantry.  And I said, “oh yeah--that’s my food for my pre-op diet.”  She didn’t say a damn thing about eating some of it!

Why do I suspect her?  Because she has done stuff like this before.  I remember one time she bought me a box of milk duds to cheer me up.  And I didn’t eat it that night because I was saving it for the next day.  But when I looked for it the next day it was gone.  She had eaten it.  And when I got frustrated she couldn’t understand.  She had bought it after all!

I wanted to call her and confront her about it.  But I also know that she would just get defensive.  She would also try to turn it around--that I should just be thankful that she did me the supreme favor of dog-sitting for me.  Not that it matters that I’ve thanked her profusely numerous times and brought her a really nice gift back from my trip.  Not that it matters that she goes to my brother’s house at least once per month to babysit for them.  I ask for her help maybe once per year.  

So last night I decided not to call.  Not to confront her.  But most importantly, I have decided to let it go.  It’s just a stupid protein bar.  Yes, I believe she did the wrong thing.  But she’s my mom and I love her.  I don’t want to let stupid stuff like this mess me up.  I need to learn to let things go and forgive.  Someone recently reminded me that feeling angry and holding onto things only hurts me--it doesn’t hurt the other person.  Forgiving someone… it’s not for them.  It’s for me.  It allows me to heal from it.  My resentment does nothing for me.  So, Mom, no big deal.

Summer Cold

Stupid Summer Cold

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Stupid summer cold!

My nose is dripping and I just feel absolutely miserable.  I hate this!  I can’t breathe through my nose and I’m sneezing and coughing.  Yuck!

I am thankful that I will be over this before the surgery.  Otherwise, I am not so happy about this situation.  I am definitely feeling icky and would rather be in bed taking a nap--if I could breathe!

Sorry just needed to vent!

Unproductive Day

I’m having one of those days where I’m having trouble being productive.  I’m thinking a lot about my surgery and making sure I have everything as prepared as possible.  I’m obsessing a little.  I just can’t seem to get my brain to concentrate on much else.

I’m ready to get this started.  I am feeling very impatient.  I wish I could just take some time off work between now and the surgery.  Being scatterbrained at home is way better than being this way at work.  Luckily I’m usually very productive at work.  So I guess they can cut me a little slack over the next couple of weeks…

Anyway, everything’s still on track.  I have my pre-op appointment coming up and I am starting my pre-op diet soon!!!  The surgery will be here before I know it.  Soon I will be on my journey.  I am eager to begin

Change In Surgery Date

Update:  My surgery date got bumped up!  I will be having my surgery on Monday, August 31 instead of September 1!  Yay!  One day closer.

That also means that I will start my pre-op diet one day earlier.

I need time to fly!

Skipping the Food Funerals

Last night I had my first and last food funeral before my surgery.  I still have almost a week before I start my pre-op diet, so there is still time to eat "normal" food.  My husband and I wanted to eat at The Melting Pot one last time.  It has been one of our favorite restaurants for many years.  It's pretty damn expensive so unfortunately we only eat there once or twice per year for very special occasions.

We were incredibly disappointed with the food last night.  It almost seemed like they had changed management or something.  There was just something different and almost a little off about the whole meal.  Our cheese was good... but things went downhill from there.  The salad was smaller than usual and didn't have all the fixings--like no eggs or anything.  Same salad we always get.  Then the entree' meat--I was not a fan of my chicken.  It was super rubbery.  The shrimp was fine, so that was good.  Some of the dipping sauces were different too--like the spicy cocktail sauce and the green goddess.  They didn't seem as fresh as usual.  We left about 1/2 our entree uncooked and not eaten.

By the time we ordered dessert, we had kind of given up and just laughed about it all.  Here I was trying to have my last awesome experience at the Melting Pot, and they were totally underwhelming us.  For our chocolate, we always custom order a "Flaming Amaretto Meltdown"--it hasn't been on the menu in years, but we simply tell them it's white chocolate with amaretto, and then to light it up.  Our waiter poured WAY too much Everclear onto the chocolate.  There was so much Everclear that most of it did not burn off, and ultimately it was almost inedible.  You could only dip from the top, center of the chocolate--the sides and bottom were all Everclear.

The whole experience really brought me some clarity.  Food has been such an important part of my life--it has been my coping mechanism.  But to be totally honest, it doesn't usually live up to my expectations.  It isn't a friend.  It doesn't see me through my problems.  It just clouds everything and causes long-term problems.  I don't want it anymore.  In some ways, I wish I could give it up completely and never come face to face with it again.

I can live without this particular food.  I don't need to say goodbye to it or any other food.  I'm done with it.


... Now let's just hope that I keep that attitude for many years to come.

Counting Down: Three Weeks + One Day

It’s getting closer!!!  I start my pre-op diet one week from today.  Then it’s two weeks on my pre-op diet.  Then one day of liquids.  Then the surgery!!!

I am starting to get excited :)

Psychological Evaluation

I had my psychological evaluation this morning.  I’m not sure what I was expecting.  I didn’t know if there would be an actual test, or if we would talk about things.

The psychologist was incredibly laid-back.  He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, and his full-sized poodle came to hang out with us while we talked.  I liked him--he was definitely not what I was expecting.  He had had the sleeve done five years ago and has kept nearly all of it off.  He mentioned that he had gained back a little because he let carbs back into his diet, but that he has gone back to being strict about the carbs and has lost back a good bit of what he had regained.

He just went over a few things with me--like what eating would be like and meals and portions.  He talked about how I would have to change my eating behaviors and that if I overate, it could make me feel bad or nauseous.  He also said that it’s possible to regain a good bit of weight if you eat carbs, especially bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

It’s all things I knew before, so I felt good about the appointment.  He told me I did fine and that I wasn’t crazy--or at least that I hid the crazy pretty well.  He was funny.  So there’s a hurdle out of the way!  Now I’m waiting to hear from the hospital to set my pre-op testing date, which is usually about 1-2 weeks before the surgery...

Last Pre-Op Travel

This is my last physical journey before my surgery.   My last flight.  My last time trying to squeeze in airplane seats, trying not to allow my fat to ooze over onto the person sitting next to me.  My last time trying to walk to the airplane lavatory while squeezing down the narrow aisle and into the tiny restroom.  My last time to feel guilty that my weight and physical issues are keeping my family from being able to enjoy the trip.  My last time to burst into tears because I have to stop moving and just rest because I’m too overweight to keep going.  My last trip as a morbidly obese woman.

I will stay positive.  I will remind myself that I am moving in a direction of health, happiness, and freedom.  I will not regret what I cannot do this time around; instead I will embrace that I am beginning an even more exciting journey to my good health.

Counting Down: Four Weeks + One Day

I know it seems like an odd count down--4 weeks + 1 day until my surgery.  Although my surgery is in 4 weeks & a day, I will begin my pre-op diet in two weeks!  My pre-op diet lasts for two weeks and then I have a day of liquids before my surgery :)

The big day is coming!!!  So how am I feeling?  I’m feeling good.  I’ve actually noticed that I am getting so sick of food.  I get angry when my husband asks what I want to eat…  I don’t want to even think about food.  I just want to get it out of the way.  

Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’ve been cleaning up the house and organizing things.  I feel better when I come home to a clean house, so that will be a help.  I’ve also been cleaning out my fridge/freezer and pantry.

I created my little help book with positive messages and reminders.  I have read and re-read my instructions and other notes I’ve made about bariatric surgery and recovery.  I am as prepared as I feel I can be.  All-in-all, I feel good.  Four weeks and one day.

Friday Art Journal

Today I am sharing the photo book I created to help me with my surgery and weight loss.  It has important information in it, as well as some good coping strategies and some pics that make me happy.

My Photo Book

Slight Change In Plans

So there has been a small change--not exactly a setback.  I was scheduled to have my surgery on August 31 at Woman’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, but we have had to change it to Cypress Pointe in Hammond on September 1.  Although I have saved up the vast majority of the cost, I am planning to finance a small part of the surgery.  Unfortunately, Woman’s Hospital will not accept Care Credit so I have to change hospitals.

I am a little disappointed.  I had both my children at Woman’s as well as my hysterectomy.  I know and trust Woman’s.  Plus, they have a full program--nutritionist, physical therapist, and support group.  I am eager to have the surgery, however, and really don’t want to wait to save up the additional funds.  I have everything planned and ready to go.  I don’t want to have to wait until Christmas to do this.  So I am allowing the change of venue.  

I normally react to change badly, and I’ve had to really examine what’s important to me in all of this.  I want this done and soon, but I don’t want to rush into anything that may be worse for me.  Ultimately, I know that my surgeon is trusted and highly rated.  If he chooses to use Cypress Pointe, it should not affect the quality of my surgery experience.  So I’m letting it go and allowing myself to move forward.

Making a Book for My Journey

I love making photo books.  I enjoy creating a design and bringing back memories of a wonderful and exciting time.  The creation process appeals to me on so many different levels--I use my creativity and design skills, my imagination, as well as my organizational abilities.  It’s extremely satisfying to hold the finished products in my hands.

I am starting to work on a book for myself.  It isn’t exactly a photo book--or at least not only a photo book.  I am including some of my favorite family photos, as well as pics of my collages and even some beautiful photos of nature.  I am also going to include my favorite quotes, affirmations, and meditations.  What really makes this book special for me is that it will also be a kind of weight loss bible for me.  I plan to include a nutrition section with information for each post-op phase; a section to keep track of my monthly weight and measurements; reminders/affirmations of why I am taking this difficult journey; and a list of things to do instead of eating--a list to defeat cravings and boredom.

I am totally excited about creating this book.  I have been worried that I don’t have much I can do right now.  My surgery is planned and financed.  I have nothing to do now but wait until I can start my pre-op diet.  This book will be my personal guide through it all.  I will keep you posted!

In the meantime, I'm pretty sure this will be my cover:

Affirmation Of My Decision

I have not wavered from my plan to have bariatric surgery.  I have been very aware of my decision and the consequences.  I think about it every time I eat.  I ask myself if I can live without the particular food I’m eating and if I will miss it.  My mom gets stressed out when I talk about not being able to eat my trigger foods ever again.  I reassure her that I may be able to eat them in very tiny portions as long as they are no longer trigger foods for me.  But if eating a bite of bread or cake makes me want more…  then it will have to be out of my life forever.  And I’m okay with that.

My husband and I went on a short vacation together.  We went to a bed and breakfast in Florida.  This is our third year of going.  It’s always lovely and relaxing.  I enjoyed it, but by the third day I was having trouble walking to the beach.  We went out to walk the beach at night, but I could barely walk across the street to get to the beach.  It made me so sad.  We had originally planned to get up early the next morning to swim in the ocean one last time before heading home.  We had to change our plans because I couldn’t manage it.  I’m too fat and out of shape.  My knees cause me all kinds of problems.

I have to have this surgery.  I am morbidly obese.  My obesity has a massive effect on my life.  I have to plan around my weight.  I am so sick of food and the hold it has over me.  I need this tool to help me get back to being the person I really am.  I want to be active.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to walk on the beach and fit in a seat on an airline or in a theatre.  I want to spend less time worrying about what we’re going to eat.  I want to be able to go for a bike ride or hike.  I want to be able to dance.  I want to live a full life.  I don’t want to die prematurely.  I want to live to see my grandchildren and be able to enjoy my time with them.  

This is happening.