Back to Basics

Do you ever feel like the people around you don’t appreciate you?  I struggle with this a lot.  And I get disappointed and hurt over it.  I think, though, that maybe I need to take a closer look at how I feel about myself.  Do I give myself the respect and appreciation I deserve?  The answer is no.

I put other people first.  I don’t stand up for myself and I don’t treat myself with the kindness and love that I show others.  I don’t love myself unconditionally.  I don’t take care of myself.  I don’t put myself first.  

So why do I mistreat myself?  Do I feel that I don’t deserve to be loved?  I’m not sure to be honest.  I want to believe that I love myself.  I think I’m pretty terrific in so many ways.  And I think I have the potential to be an absolutely amazing woman.  But I don’t treat myself that way.

How can I begin to be the me I want to be?  How can I show myself love and understanding?  How can I love myself unconditionally?

I’m going to be going back to some of the basics…

Write down my negative self-talk and counter it with positive self-talk

Start a gratitude journal

Start some basic self-care

Celebrate my little victories

I think that’s probably enough to start.  Sometimes I try to go all out and then when I mess up just a little… I stop altogether.

I am worthy of self-respect and respect from others.

I am kind and giving.  I am a creative woman.

I deserve to be loved and appreciated.

I am not invisible.

Initial Consultation

Yay!  My first major step has been taken--I had my initial consultation with my bariatric surgeon this morning :)

I qualify for the surgery and I have scheduled my surgery date for Monday, August 31, 2015!  They gave me a packet of information to go through and I also received my pre-op diet food, which I will eat for the two weeks prior to my surgery.  I still have to have my psychological appointment, and then my pre-op tests (1-2 weeks prior) and finally I will need the okay from my regular doctor before the surgery.

I will be self-pay and I'm having it done through the program at Woman's Hospital in Baton Rouge.  My total cost will be $14,800.

Here are the results from the Body Composition Analyzer at the surgeon's office:
Weight 254.0 lb
BMI 46.5
BMR 7804 kJ/ 1865 kcal
Impedance 393
Fat% 50.5%
Fat Mass 128.51 lb
FFM (Fat Free Mass) 125.51 lb
TBW (Total Body Water) 92.01 lb
Desirable Fat% Range 23-34%
Desirable Fat Mass Range 37.5-64.5 lb

I also took a little time this morning to take body measurements:
Neck 16.5"
Upper Arm 21.5"
Wrist 7.25"
Bust 52.5"
Chest 47"
Waist 51.5"
Hips 57"
Thigh 27.5"
Calf 17.75"

I may have gone a bit overboard with the measurements, but I figured that I would rather track too much information than not enough.

Here are my current clothing sizes:
Tops/Dresses 22/24 (or 3X)
Pants 22/24
Bra ~44 B/C
Panties 9/10
Shoes 8.5-9 M

Finally, I took some "Before" pictures.  I figured today is my first round of information.  I will follow-up when I start my pre-op diet and then the day of surgery.  From there we shall see!  I'm more excited than nervous today, but I'm sure I will experience a wide array of emotions!

Friday Art Journal

Hats & Crowns

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow I take my first official step on my journey!  Tomorrow is my appointment with my bariatric surgeon.

I have been researching, planning, preparing and dreaming about this for so long now....  and finally it is starting.  This is a big step for me.  I'm hoping that I will soon have a surgery date--even if it isn't until Thanksgiving.  I'm a little nervous, but a lot excited!  I will let you know how it goes :)

Sitting In My Discomfort

So I have the desire to eat.  But I feel absolutely full--I’ve been drinking water all day and I feel stuffed and full.  I know I am not hungry.  But I want to eat.  I want something to munch on.  So why do I want to eat?  I guess I like to eat when I am bored.  I’m also depressed about my job, so there’s probably some emotional eating issues there too.  I’m tired; I know eating will give me a bit of energy.

Instead I’m sitting here and just letting myself want the food.  I am not going to eat--I’m full.  I’m uncomfortable.  Let me just sit here and be uncomfortable.

I am not ready to change all my habits.  I’m not ready to go overboard just yet.  But I want to make small changes and small choices.  I’m drinking water.  That’s my first step.  One small step at a time.

Restless

As my initial consultation date quickly approaches, I am getting anxious about having the surgery.  I'm not nervous about having the surgery--I'm nervous about waiting until Thanksgiving to have it.  I wish I had been able to have it in late May or early June.  The soonest I could possibly do it would be September or October because we are really busy with work right now.  I may see if my boss will let me take off a week in September or October.  That would be fabulous to have it over and done with.

I'm so tired of waiting.  

I talked to my husband last night about the possibility of not waiting.  I asked him what were the cons of doing it earlier?  We both agreed that the only issue was work--I have to work around a busy schedule and it means I have to take time off.  If I wait until Thanksgiving I already have a week built in for recovery.  If I do it earlier, I have to take some time off using my vacation or sick days.

We are going to wait until I have my consult to make any kind of decision.  After the consult, I may sit down with my boss and ask if I can take a week off in September or October.  If she seems okay with it... then I think I will probably go for it.

I'm ready to get moving on this!

Friday Art Journal

I created this collage as a birthday gift for a friend of mine

Common Sense

Depression Lies

(I wrote this last November but was in a funk so I never posted it. I wanted to share it.)

So I came to a realization this morning.  I have been having a lot of trouble blogging lately.  I think because my depression has been rearing up it’s ugly head.  Some of it is that I don’t feel like writing.  The other, deeper thought is that I feel like I have nothing to offer.  I sometimes feel like I’m a complete failure--which makes it hard to feel like I have anything to say to others.

My realization is two-fold:

1. I do have something important to say.  I have a voice.  I also know what it’s like to feel absolutely alone--even when surrounded by others.  If this blog can help someone know, even for a moment, that she is not alone in her depression…
2. I need to do this for me.  I need to value myself.  I feel so fucking unappreciated sometimes.  In the end, though, I’m the one who doesn’t appreciate myself.  I don’t respect myself and love myself.  This is my voice, and I deserve to communicate my thoughts and feelings.  In the end, does it even matter if anyone reads this?  I want to do this for me.

Does this mean that I will get back to posting regularly?  I don’t know.  I can’t promise that I will.  Instead, I will make the effort.  I will try to step up and blog about my depression.  Because depression absolutely sucks.  Depression lies.  And I hold onto those lies.

I want more than this for myself.  I want to feel good about myself and feel love for myself and others.  If you are reading this and you feel alone…  I’m there.  That is me.  So let’s at least understand that we are not alone--even when we feel that there’s nothing but darkness.  Hold onto that little spark of light.  We are capable of bringing light in.  Believe it.

Excuse Me While I Rant

What is wrong? Why don’t I feel well? Why do I react so strongly when I feel that I’m being reprimanded? Why do I take things so personally? Why do I feel like I’m being fussed at? I didn’t do anything wrong. I even know I didn’t do anything wrong. I know she isn’t angry at me. I’m just so tired. and I just don’t feel well. Why does everything feel so overwhelming and so just big and overdone? It just isn’t that important, is it? No. It fucking isn’t.

I need to fucking relax.  I need to stop taking life so fucking seriously.  What was it my Mawmaw said?  Life is but a dream…  Life is fucking whatever.  It isn’t whatever this seems to be.  We overdramatize it.  We make it seem like such a fucking big deal.  We work so hard, and stress ourselves out.  And for what?  For a fucking heart attack.  For heart break.  And we do it to ourselves.  For headaches.  For war.  For poverty.  For wealth.  For the possibility that we will have the things that we want.  That we will be what we want.  But what is it that we want?  Do we really want what it is that we want?

When am I truly happiest?  What honestly gives me absolute, genuine pleasure?  When do I honestly live in the moment?  When am I living?  I love sitting down in our kitchen at the stupid, low bar (which I normally hate) and eating a meal with my husband (and kids too!).  I love hanging out with my husband and our friends outdoors at a restaurant.  I love traveling with my husband and kids.  I think I would enjoy traveling with friends.  I loved being at Inyati and seeing the leopardess and elephants.  They moved me.  I love watching my cats and petting them, playing with them, and snuggling with them--when they let me.  I love when the weather is cool enough for me to wear long sleeves, and I can sit outside and swing or sit on a porch and just relax.  I like the idea of swinging in a hammock or relaxing outside or sleeping under stars.  I want to walk in the forest and relax in the hot tub.  I want to splash in the breaking waves of the ocean and walk on the beach.  I want to look for shells and sea glass.  I want to find bits of moss and acorns and feathers and fossils.  I want to make art.  I want to surprise my friends with personal, thoughtful gifts.  I want to sing.  I want to make music.  I want to make love.  I want to laugh.  I want to watch movies on a huge screen.  I want to read amazing literature.  I want to hear amazing speakers.  I want to have my mind blown.  I want to go to work and get my work done and then go home and not think about it.  My work no longer gives a shit about me, so I don’t think I want to have my heart broken by my work. My day job is just a means to pay for living.

But I don’t need to buy things to buy happiness.  I would rather save up to travel than to buy lots of toys and gadgets to “make” me “happy”.  What the fuck ever.

Starting My Commitment to Change

Even though I won't be having my surgery for a number of months, I have started a few changes.  I intend to gradually change some of my behaviors to make things slightly easier for me once I have weight loss surgery.  I think if I wait to make any changes it will just make it that much harder to deal with such a huge change in my life.

1.  Water
I have switched to drinking water almost exclusively.  I will freely admit that I do drink a coke every once in a while when we are out for dinner.  At home I drink water exclusively.  I've also been getting in a whole lot of water.  I have a Hydro Flask that I keep filled all the time.  I find that I honestly don't miss soft drinks that much.  I'm also finding that when I do get coke somewhere, I don't always finish it.  One recommendation I've read about prepping for the surgery is to stop drinking carbonated drinks and caffeine two months before the surgery.  I have a head start on this and so I think this will be easier for me to give up.

2.  Walking/Swimming
I have started to walk a couple of times per week.  I know it doesn't sound like much.  I find that I have a tendency to overdo it and then get injured or have my knees achy and swollen.  So I'm taking it slow when I'm in pain.  I also have been getting in the pool and moving around nearly every day recently.  I don't swim laps yet, but I try to make sure I'm walking in the pool or moving around.  My goal will be to go walking consistently--even if it's only for 10 minutes.

3.  Eating at Home
I've been trying to eat at home a lot more often lately.  My job in the spring was incredibly stressful and exhausting.  I had more than a few 70-80 hour weeks.  I was just not going to cook.  So we ate out a lot.  Now that things have settled down at work, I have a lot more time to cook and get groceries.  I haven't really changed my portions or gone way out of my way to eat healthier.  But honestly I am eating healthier than I was.  I will reach for string cheese and pita chips rather than get fast food.  I do eat out and I do get fast food, but it's not constant like it has been in the past.  This will be an area I have to continue to work on.  This should also help my finances :)

4.  General Health
I'm also trying to take this opportunity to start taking better care of myself in general.  I saw my OB/GYN and had my first mammogram!  I went to the dentist for the first time in 22 years.  I actually take pretty good care of my teeth so I didn't have any cavities or issues.  I am going to schedule a deep under gums cleaning at some point.  I also bought a waterpik because I hate thread floss.  I'm going to have a sleep study done soon.  I'm also looking for a new counselor/therapist.  So I am trying to think about my well being and health in general.

I will keep you updated on my progress!

Friday Art Journal

I have a few pieces that I've done over the past few months that I will share over the next few weeks.  This may be my favorite collage ever.  It's my first collage on a canvas, so it's bigger than my usual designs.  It definitely reflects me :)

Inner Wings

Why Weight Loss Surgery?

I wanted to take some time to put this down on paper so to speak.  I know that this will be a common question for me over the next year or two.  Although I know why and have even articulated it to my husband in bits and pieces, I want a more comprehensive explanation.  I want to be prepared when I get asked, because I know I will get asked.

Why weight loss surgery?

It's a drastic step, isn't it?  I plan to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG), and they will take away the majority of my stomach.  It is permanent.

I am morbidly obese.  My BMI is currently 46.  I have tried to lose the weight many times.  I have even succeeded in small amounts and even once a large amount of 33 pounds.  Ultimately I gain it back.  I don't keep up with the super restrictions of diets.  I ultimately fail at the diet, gain back the weight, and feel depressed that I have failed yet again.

The research I have read more or less says that for morbidly obese people, diet and exercise alone does not work.  We have so much weight to lose and when we fail we gain back the weight and usually some extra weight.  Research also shows that weight loss surgery often gives us a chance--a tool--to lose the weight and have a fighting chance of keeping it off.

I want that fighting chance.  My knees have major issues--even walking can be painful and exhausting.  I have started having issues with sleeping at night.  I am going to have a sleep study to find out if I have sleep apnea.  I get migraines.  I have some stomach issues in general.  I fight with depression and anxiety.  To some degree, I believe that all of these are linked to my obesity.

To reach a "normal" BMI, I would have to lose about 125 pounds--about half my body weight.  That is a lot and it's exhausting and terrifying to even think about how hard that will be.  I don't know if I am capable of it without some help.  I know for me, that I need something drastic to help me make changes.  I need to break down my relationship with food.  Food and eating are involved in every social and emotional aspect of my life.  I don't know if I can just pretend that I can ever have a healthy relationship with food.  I believe that I am probably addicted to food.  Unlike other addictions, I cannot possibly abstain from eating.  So how can I lose the weight (without completely giving up hope and failing horribly) and drastically change my relationship with food?  Weight loss surgery is my answer.

So how will weight loss surgery help me?  I will be having a VSG, which means they will remove most of my stomach.  For VSG, they don't reroute your intestines so I don't have to worry about malabsortion.  My stomach will start out only holding about 2 ounces.  Over the course of the first year, my stomach will heal and stretch out to hold about 8 ounces.  It will force me to eat very small portions.  Because I won't be able to eat a lot, I will have to concentrate on my protein intake.  I won't be able to eat my trigger foods (the foods that make me want to overeat) because they will fill up my stomach too quickly and make me feel sick.  This means that I will get rid of all trigger foods (simple carbs) completely.  My husband has agreed that there will be no more trigger foods in our house ever again once I start.

Another piece of this is that when they remove so much of your stomach, they remove the hunger hormone, ghrelin.  This means that I will not experience physical hunger the same way ever again.  Although I may still have to battle mental hunger and cravings, I will no longer actually feel physical hunger.

What all this means is that weight loss surgery is a tool to help me get a jump start on my weight loss.  Ultimately I still have to do all the work.  I still have to overcome my cravings and emotional desire for food.  I will have to eat tiny portions and avoid my trigger foods.  I will have to start exercising and doing the right thing.

How do I know I will succeed?

I don't know.  But the research says that for VSG patients, the majority will lose and keep off 40%-80% of their excess weight even five years post-op.  Even if we look at the smaller end of that statistic, that is more than enough to get me out of morbid obesity and make me feel so much better.  Another piece of this is that I will be paying for this surgery out of pocket.  It costs about $15,000.  That is a huge investment, and it has taken me a couple of years to save it up.  I'm terrified of spending that kind of money.  I refuse to waste that money.  It is an investment in me.  I cannot allow myself to screw it up.

So that's it.  This is an individual decision.  It isn't for everyone.  It's not the easy way out--it's expensive, scary, painful.  I also still have to do all the work.  I have to eat right and exercise.  This is just a tool to help me tremendously by taking away my hunger, forcing small portions, and getting me on the right track way more quickly than I could do on my own.

Wanting More

I just ate a bowl of cereal.  It was yummy and delicious.  And my immediate thought upon finishing the bowl is that I want another bowl of cereal.  I stood up to fix more and then stopped myself.

I’m sitting here examining why I want another bowl of cereal.  Am I still hungry?  The answer is no.  I’m feeling full.  It was yummy, but is it really any better to continue to stuff my face with more of it?  I doubt it.  

So what is it I want?  Something to do?  Satisfaction in my life?  To fill up the void inside of myself?

I honestly don’t know.  So I am going to be uncomfortable and just allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling.  I’m already noticing that as the minutes pass, I want another bowl less and less...

So Much Has Happened

I had a horrible semester.  I was transferred to a new position, and I felt isolated and abandoned.  I was overwhelmed with work and I felt very taken for granted.  I didn't even get thanked for all the extra time and effort I put into it.

So I became pretty damn depressed.  I think this was some of my worst depression in many years.  The bright side is that I endured it--and I didn't skip work (which used to be a big problem with my depression).  At one point I even started having chest pains from the anxiety I was feeling.  My blood pressure sky-rocketed.  But I've come  back down to earth and I've been enjoying being at home more this summer.

I may also have good news about my job by the end of this week.  I may be getting my old job back--which is absolutely amazing!

I have also been working hard to save up and get ready for my weight loss surgery.  I have been planning to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  My hope was that I could have the surgery by the end of this year.  I will turn 41 at the end of the year and I wanted to start my journey before 41.  I have done so much research and reading.  I know this is what I want to do for myself.  This is not the right choice for everyone, but it is the right choice for me.  I was feeling a little discouraged because I will be self-pay for the surgery, and it's a lot of money to save up.  But I am getting so close!  Plus, I just found out that I may qualify for financing part of it!

So I finally reached out to my surgeon of choice.  I filled out the initial paperwork, and they contacted me about coming in for my initial consult.  My appointment is June 26!

I want so badly to start now--to schedule my surgery for this summer.  But I have to be patient and wait.  I can't take that much time off from work right now.  Plus we have a couple of vacations planned and I wouldn't be able to fit it in there and be able to recover in time.  My in-laws are taking the whole family to Hawaii and it's not something I could get out of even if I wanted to.  (And don't get me wrong--I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity.  It's not something we would otherwise be able to afford)

My intention is to begin the process and make plans to have the surgery going into Thanksgiving week.  That would mean I wouldn't have to take much time off from work.  When I do return to work, we will be in our "slow" time of the year so I will have a more restful time at work.  Also, that gives me about a month of recovery before Christmas.  I had my last knee surgery over Christmas and I mostly had to miss out on the holiday.  Yes, that means that my holidays will suck as far as eating.  The good news is that I won't be hungry, and that soon post-op I wouldn't be able to eat all the junk even if I tried.

So things are looking up...