Louisiana2Step Review

I completed the Louisiana 2 Step!

It was pretty easy to do.  You log in daily for two weeks.  You answer three questions every day--how many ounces of water did you drink, how much sleep did you get, and how many minutes did you walk the day before?  Each day it gives a little lesson on different aspects of health.  Sometimes there’s a little quiz, but it’s nothing terribly difficult or stressful.  The website is colorful and easy to use.

It was kind of fun to use, and it certainly didn’t feel like a big commitment.  Here are the results of my data:

So that’s all well and good.  From there, it sends you to register with myLA2step.com.  And so I did.  It was not nearly as nice and pretty and easy.  It kept rejecting my registration.  It also never allowed me to input my email address.  I finally gave up and when I tried to return to take a screenshot… it wouldn’t let me back in and it wouldn’t let me register.  Oh joy.  Plus, when I went to check out the current reward opportunities it said there were none being offered at this time.  Hmmmm.  Well that sucks.  Not that I was expecting much.  But it would have been nice to have a printable certificate or something.  Maybe a free pedometer?  A coupon for some yogurt?  But nope.  So I may try to check it out again at some point, but I won’t be in any hurry.

Affirmation Monday

"may my heart always be open to little

birds who are the secrets of living

whatever they sing is better than to know

and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry

and fearless and thirsty and supple

and even if it's sunday may i be wrong

for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully

and love yourself so more than truly

there's never been quite such a fool who could fail

pulling all the sky over him with one smile."

-e e cummings

Complete Poems, 1904-1962

Victory Project

I mentioned before that I was looking for a project to celebrate the little victories in my life.  I was hoping to find something that would be a one-to-one representation of the victories, but that was a little difficult.  I found that what I wanted to do right now was to create a cross stitch.  I had found a glass on wood piece inspired by Alphonse Mucha’s The Moon.  The colors just absolutely blew me away:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/15630383@N08/2774597631/

Kathleen Coyle

Stunning, right?

So I am attempting to cross stitch Mucha’s The Moon as inspired by Kathleen Coyle’s vision.  This will be my Victory Project.  I won’t be doing it as a single stitch per victory.  I decided that I have many victories throughout my day and life.  I should celebrate as I can, and this project will take me many, many months--probably at least a year.  I will keep you updated.

"Happy Plate"

So I have decided to redefine “Happy Plate”

I’ve been writing in my journal that I have been leaving food behind on my plate and not leaving a “happy plate” behind.  I think most of us think of a happy plate as a clean plate--a plate that we have eaten all the food off of.  And as I kept writing that in my journal, it started bothering me.  I didn’t like that that is the message that I have been taking about food.  That’s also the message I have been giving my own children.  You can’t be happy unless you eat every bit of food off your plate.

What makes me happy (or at least happier) lately, is for my plate to not be empty--for food to be left behind.  From this day forward, in my family, a “happy plate” will now be a plate that has food left on it.  We will eat until we are comfortably full and not a bite more.  THAT is a happy plate and a happy tummy.

Friday Art Journal

This is a very recent addition.  I think I was feeling a lot of self-inflicted pressure about our finances and about being able to afford to do the things we want and need to do.  I wanted the kids to be able to do awesome things this summer--like camps, and a vacation.  Most of the paper for this came from bills and junk mail.  I get frustrated that I can't do everything for everyone.  I need to learn how to balance my life better.  I have all these expectations of myself, but sometimes I need to just relax and release...

The Fine Print

Little Celebrations

I've been working on celebrating the little victories in my life.  I started out just noticing the big and obvious things--when I went for walks, did my physical therapy, and drank 64 oz. of water in a day.  I was hesitant to recognize things that seemed small and maybe even easy.  If I passed up a chance to eat something extra--that didn't seem like an accomplishment.  But gradually I allowed myself to see that even these small things are big steps for me.

I've been journaling about my eating habits, my thoughts and feelings surrounding food, and now my little victories.  Here are some of the things that I've celebrated:

• Taking a walk
• Doing my physical therapy at home
• Eating a meal at home
• Trying chair yoga
• Turning down an order of french fries

So yay for me!  I felt a little ridiculous saying that these were victories--but they are!  I am starting to embrace that I am not perfect, but I'm trying--and I'm actually accomplishing things every single day.  I'm becoming aware of the things I do that I should be proud of.

Most of my celebrating so far has been blaring out some rock anthems and singing loudly.  It's fun, and I really enjoy it.  Today, however, I really didn't feel like dancing around and singing.  I want to come up with other ways to celebrate me.  I've done some searching online, but so many of the suggestions are about food or about spending money.  Several of them suggest taking a day off work.  The thing is, I'm trying to celebrate multiple events every single day, so I need easy and doable.

One thing I was thinking about was that I'd love to start a project that I add to each time I have a small victory.  Maybe a beaded project or cross-stitch?  It would be really cool to eventually finish a project and be able to visibly see that each tiny piece/bead/stitch reflected a victory for me.  I will definitely have to research some ideas...

In the meantime, here's a little celebration:

iPhone App Review: Momentum

Mindbloom has a lot of really interesting motivational apps.  I've been trying them all to some degree or another, and the one that really stands out for me is Momentum.  The idea behind Momentum, is that by recognizing the good moments in your life, they build up momentum to keep you moving forward.

Your hot air balloon flies along.  You click on your fuel gauge to add fuel:

You can show your fuel through taking a picture, adding a picture or writing a note.  For each piece of fuel, you select what kind of fuel it was--a Happy Moment, a Victory Moment, a Reflective Moment, a Kindness Moment, or a Thankful Moment.  You can play back through your momentum as well.  You earn tickets for your progress, and you can upgrade your balloon over time.

My balloon has a red streamer :)

You can also do little challenges for fuel by clicking on a box that flies by.  The challenge may ask you to do a full body stretch, drink a glass of water, or answer a question.

Momentum is a free app.  It's fairly simple and doesn't require much time or effort.  I like it as a reminder to me to celebrate my little victories.  I also like the reminder that I want to recognize the things that make me feel happy, victorious, reflective, kind, or thankful!

Awesome

My teenage daughter also suffers from depression and anxiety.  She handles it with poise and I'm extremely proud of her.  I also feel guilty about passing those messed up genes to her.

When she is feeling down or discouraged, I have a tendency to text her encouragement and silliness.  I was thinking that maybe I need some of that encouragement and silliness too.  Most of the following were found via google search for "awesome"  Enjoy!  And know that you are awesome!

Affirmation Monday

"Here is the world.

Beautiful and terrible things will happen.

Don't be afraid."

-Frederick Buechner

Beyond Words: Daily Readings in the ABC's of Faith

Believing in Myself

What's stopping me from moving forward?  It can be so frustrating and confusing to feel that I'm ready to move forward and ready to change, but then to keep standing still.  I'm trying to be very aware of myself--how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, why I'm doing or not doing something, how I'm interacting with food.  I'm beginning to take small steps--walking, physical therapy, drinking water.  I'm journaling my thoughts and feelings about food and eating, and acknowledging the small victories and accomplishments in my life.  And it's wonderful.  But it never seems like enough.

I'm trying to be satisfied and happy with my level of progress.  What I want, though, is to be there already.  I want to be eating right and exercising and confident and happy.  Now.  I don't want to wait months or even years to be where I want to be.  I know it sounds ridiculous--I'm being unreasonable.  Rationally, I understand that change takes time, and often the rushing is what gets me in trouble.  I eventually give up because I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes.  So I'm trying to be patient.

I'm not perfect.  And that's okay.  No really--it's okay.  And yes I'm working on convincing myself of that.  But part of me believes it.  So I need to hold on to that part of me.  I need to keep saying the good things that part of me believes about myself.  I need to keep celebrating the little awesome things that I am doing every day to bring me closer to the life I want to live.  I need to keep drinking water and going for walks and journaling and physical therapy.  I need to keep that up, because that is success.  Success isn't all or nothing.  Success is waking up every morning.  Success is moving forward--even if I take a step backwards sometimes.

I want to believe in myself.  I want to do this.  It will not be easy.  And even though I feel alone, I am not.  I know that there are so many people out there that struggle with these same issues--and many people struggle with worse.

Things I'm celebrating today:

1. Drinking water.
2. Journaling about my thoughts and feelings.
3. Physical Therapy
4. Walking
5. I am trying.  I am succeeding in many things, even when I make mistakes here or there.  I am trying to believe in myself, and sometimes I do!

Keep it up!

Celebrating the Small Victories

One part of tackling my weight problem has to do with working through my depression.  I am currently seeing a counselor for my depression, and so far things are going well.  One of my first assignments was to track my thoughts and feelings about food and eating.  It has been an eye-opening experience to say the least.

My newest assignment is to begin acknowledging and celebrating the little victories in my life. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. When I mess something up a little, I will often just give up.  Lately I've been trying to be okay with the little mess ups.  If I'm mostly staying on track with something, then that is actually a success.  So now I am trying to celebrate the little things.  I was excited about this assignment.  I don't know why, but I could picture in my head just absolutely declaring victory.  I can see myself turning on some loud music and dancing around over my success--"We are the Champions" sounds about right!

I have had a couple of bad days, but what I'd like to celebrate is:

1. I went to counseling!  This is a victory for me because in the past I would sometimes give up or not feel like going.  So I just wouldn't show up, or cancel at the last minute.  Well I went to counseling so good for me :)  Yay!
2. I went to physical therapy!  Physical therapy is very difficult, scary, and sometimes painful.  I am working hard, doing my exercises every night, and attending my appointments.  Each session I go for, I am one step closer to being able to hike or kayak.  Yay!

So now it's time to recognize that I'm doing good things.  Take a minute to write down the things you have accomplished today--and this is for you:

Friday Art Journal

This has no particularly deep meaning--it just made me happy to put it together this way.

WANT! Misfit Shine

I was looking for a pedometer, and I stumbled across this:

The Misfit Shine.

It’s kind of like a Fitbit, but look how pretty it is!  They also have different accessories for it--like a leather watch band, a sports necklace, and a beautiful silver necklace.  I am in love with this.  We sent back our Fitbits a while back because of the recall on the Fitbit Force.  I was planning on just getting a regular pedometer…  But now I’m going to save up for the Misfit Shine.

I’m leaning towards the Jet, but boy is the Topaz pretty!

Fitbit Aria Review

As I begin this momentous weight loss journey, I knew I wanted a really good scale to help keep me on track.  I did a lot of research to see what was out there.  I wanted something that would hold up well and would track my weight.

The Fitbit Aria is a beautiful scale that comes in white or black.  It’s very sleek, and I don’t mind it sitting out in the open in my bathroom.  I bought the black one on Amazon for about $125.  I already had a Fitbit account and app from when I had a Fitbit Force.  Once you link your Aria to your account, you can setup your users.  You can have up to 8 specific users for the scale.  Anyone can use the scale and it will just show up as a “guest,” but those users you set up will be recognized by the scale.  The scale will track your weight and loss/gain through both the app and online as long as you have it set up on a wireless account.

The Aria does a good job of remembering us.  We only set up two users, but it works well for us.  The Aria also tracks body fat percentage, but I’m kind of up in the air on how accurate I think that part of it is.  The reviews are also mixed on that point.  I’m not terribly worried about that though.  My biggest interest is that it tracks my weight, my loss, and is easy to use.  I don’t have to write down my weight--it automatically uploads everything for me.

The website allows you to see your weight on charts, which is nice.  You can also earn badges and connect with friends if you are brave enough to share!

I don’t know if the Fitbit Aria is the best wifi scale on the market, but I really like it.  It’s attractive, and it does exactly what I need it to do.

What's the Use?

There are days when I wonder why I’m even trying to save up for this surgery.  It isn’t that I don’t want to have it--the problem is that it’s so freaking expensive.  I’m not rolling in the money.  I have actually only recently been able to feel confident in making ends meet.  Surgery will cost about $16,000.  How the hell do I come up with $16,000???  So, okay my thought was to start saving.  That’s a great idea, right?

Except it hasn’t even started happening yet.  My husband is waiting for his promotion, which will help tremendously.  But it still doesn’t seem reachable--not for the foreseeable future.  I feel like I can put a decent amount aside for savings (as long as we can manage to stick to a food budget!), however I really believe that there are more important things for the money to go towards.  First of all, we desperately need an emergency fund.  We only have one vehicle and when it breaks down it can be devastating for us.  So we also need a second car.  If we save like crazy then we might be able to buy a car by Christmas--unless we have an emergency.

My original hope was to be able to have the surgery during one of my two breaks in the spring.  That way I won’t have to miss too much work.  But that won’t happen if I can’t save up more than my budget allows.  So now we’re talking Christmas of 2015 for the surgery.

There are still a couple of possibilities which would help with this.  We may get a large Christmas gift from hubby’s family.  And with my husband’s (hopefully!) new job, he may have an opportunity to work a lot of overtime.  If those things both happen, then spring may still be on the table.

So I won’t give up.  Not yet.  But I will also start preparing myself that it could be another year or two before this surgery happens.  I’m trying to learn patience, but this will certainly be a test for me.

Affirmation Monday

"If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"

-Maya Angelou

Kickstarter: kGoal

I love Kickstarter.  I have seen so many awesome projects come through KS.  My most recent find is called kGoal.  The kGoal is a device to help women do Kegel exercises correctly.  Kegel exercises help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.  There are two main reasons for doing Kegel exercises--increase in sexual health/pleasure, and to help prevent stress incontinence.  

If you are an obese female, especially if you’ve had children, then you probably know all about stress incontinence.  That’s when you pee a little when you sneeze, cough, or laugh really hard.  It sucks and it’s horribly embarrassing--even if no one knows.  I think it’s something that most of us don’t talk about it; I know I don’t.  But it happens.  And I hate it.  I’ve tried to do Kegel exercises before, but I have a tendency to forget, and I usually end up giving up.

And in walks the kGoal!  The kGoal is a Kegel device with an app that actually lets you know if you’re doing the exercise correctly!  Yay!  It also gives a little vibration when you do it correctly, so there’s extra fun.  The early bird Kickstarter tier is all sold out, but you can still sign up for the Kickstarter and get a kGoal for $125.  The Kickstarter ends on Monday, August 4 at 7:57 p.m.  The company is expecting to sell them for $175 retail, so the discount is good if you get on board with the Kickstarter.

They are expecting to ship them out by the end of the year.  So I will try to review the device once it’s in my… hands :)

iPhone App Review: Waterlogged

I started using this app on 7/8/2014 to keep track of my water intake.  The Louisiana 2 Step challenge asks me how many ounces of water I’m drinking every day, and I also know that drinking water is one of the best steps I can take towards better health.  In the past, I have used my SparkPeople app and account to track water intake.  I wanted to have an app that just tracked water, so I stumbled across Waterlogged.

Waterlogged is pretty straightforward.  You tap on the empty water bottle on the screen and then you log each time you drink water.  You can even take a picture of the water bottle (or glass) you use--that way you don’t have to remember how many ounces are in that particular bottle.  You just log it in.  Very simple and straightforward.

The app also allows you to set goals.  You can tell it how many ounces you want to drink that day, what time you want to start and finish by.  The screen tells you how much water you’ve had so far, as well as what your goal should be by a particular time in order to meet your goal.  There’s a graphing chart and even a map feature if you want to track where you are drinking water.

There’s a reward feature from kiip, but I’m not really using it.  There is a premium version too.  You can also connect with your Facebook account or connect to your Fitbit if you have one.  All in all, I really like Waterlogged and I would highly recommend it if you are interested in tracking your water intake.  If you have another tracking app that also tracks water, then Waterlogged probably isn’t necessary.  The basic app is free (yay!)--you can unlock reminders for $3.99 and get a lifetime subscription for $2.99.  I find that the free version works just fine for my purposes.

Friday Art Journal

This is one of my art journal covers.  I have several journals so that if one is drying, then I still have a place I can create.

Journal Cover

Fitness & Motivation

One thing I’ve learned from all my research and all my soul searching is that I can’t wait to live my life.  I want to have the surgery, and I want to lose the weight.  Wouldn’t it be easier to lose the weight before I start to do things?  Yes and no.  I have a tendency to wait for “the right time” instead of making now the right time.  There will always be something I’m waiting for.  And I don’t want to keep pushing back my life.  I want to live.  Now.  And although I can’t do everything I want to do right now, or be everything I want to be right now, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do anything or be anything.

So I am working on figuring out what things I can do now.  Physical therapy to help my knees is one thing I am doing right now.  Another step I’ve taken is to create a food budget.  We eat out--a lot!  And that gets expensive.  So we have tried to stay within a food budget this pay period.  

Fitness is another area I feel like I’m ready to (slowly!) start tackling.  I don’t want to go too crazy, but I do want to make a start.  The physical therapy is one way I’m getting some exercise.  I would also like to start walking.

I will start walking today.  I brought my shoes to work.  I will probably take a 15 minute walk at my lunch break.  I need to start slow and be consistent.  So now I’m looking at ways to keep myself motivated.  I like to be able to track things, but I want it to be fun and motivating.  So I’ve joined a couple of challenges:

Louisiana 2 Step:  This is an online program in Louisiana, sponsored by Blue Cross & Blue Shield.  They make suggestions for eating healthier and moving more.  You track what you did the day before in very simple ways.  Supposedly you can even win prizes.  You don’t have to be a Blue Cross/Blue Shield member to join the challenge.

The President’s Challenge:  Do you remember the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge you participated in at school?  Well this is through the same initiative, but for individuals.  You sign up online and then log your activities.  There are a couple of different challenges you can choose from.  You can be eligible for awards too, but you have to pay for them once you qualify for them.  I like the idea of earning medals, and it may be enough to motivate me.  My children are also planning to participate, and I thought it would be a neat way for us to motivate and support each other through the challenge.

I’m also trying out a few apps and games to keep me motivated.  I will try them out and then maybe review a few of them.

Physical Therapy

I have major knee issues.  When I was in 6th grade, I dislocated my knee for the first time.  It was horrible.  I took a break from dance classes and eventually quit dance altogether.  I was still very sporty and active.  Until it happened again.  And again.

In high school it got worse.  When it would dislocate, it would stay dislocated until a doctor popped it back into place.  The pain was excruciating.  But it didn’t happen often--maybe once a year or once every other year.  Slowly I began to become less active.

By the time I had my children, I was mostly sedentary.  I had gained a good bit of weight.  Although some of the weight has to do with my eating habits, I also know that some of it has to do with my sedentary lifestyle.  By the time I was an adult, both of my knees had dislocated multiple times.  About seven years ago, one of my knees started locking up on me.  I went to physical therapy and eventually had an MRI done.  It appears that my knee cap was actually tilted.  

So they did surgery--patellar realignment with tibial osteotomy.  They basically cut ligaments that were pulling my patella the wrong way, repaired ligaments that were stretched out on the other side, and then cut a chunk of bone out of my tibia where the ligament attaches that goes directly over the top of my knee and moved the bone over so that the ligament would hold the knee tightly in place.  Not fun.  The recovery was the worst--I had to wait for the bone to heal before I could do physical therapy, which means that I lost muscle and then had to build it back up just to be able to even lift my leg!  I also had to break up a lot of scar tissue in order to learn how to bend my knee again.

A year and a half ago I had the same surgery done on the other knee.  My patellar groove is shallow on both legs, so my knees are more prone to dislocation than the normal person’s.  Now that I’ve had the surgeries and recovered (for the most part), my knees are less likely to dislocate--unless I put extreme stress on them.

But I still don’t feel confident.  My knees feel fairly weak, and I’m always terrified that something I do will cause a dislocation.  I went back to my orthopedist last week and talked to him about it.  I told him that I am planning on having weight loss surgery some day and that I want to make sure that in the future I am able to hike and kayak without fear for my knees.  He told me that he thought that was very reasonable and doable.  So he prescribed physical therapy to strengthen my knees.

I started physical therapy this week, and it isn’t fun.  My knees swell up and are sensitive and weak after I exercise.  But I keep reminding myself that every time I exercise, I am one step closer to being the person I want to be.  I don’t want to live my life in fear of injuring my knees--or worse, refusing to try to live at all.  So I will work hard and get my knees strong.

Small Changes

I have been a passive participant in my own life.  I let my life pass me by because I’m waiting.  I’m waiting for things to get better or easier.  I’m waiting for this to happen or that.  Because once those things happen then my life will be better, right?  I have to begin living.  It begins with the small choices--active choices.

I have decided to move forward on a couple of things.  Although we have been waiting on a few things (increase in income and something that will bring a bit more peace to our house), we have decided to stick to a food budget this month and next.  It isn’t so restrictive that we won’t be able to eat anything, but it will (hopefully!) cut back on the amount of eating out we do.  This will help us financially and it may even help us eat a little healthier.

The other step I took was to go see my Orthopedist again about my knee.  I have had knee realignment surgery on both knees (2008 for my right knee and 2012 for my left knee) because my knees would dislocate.  I used to be very sporty and active until my knees started giving me so many problems.  Dislocation was incredibly painful and debilitating for me that I eventually stopped doing anything that could possibly injure my knees.  Now I’m morbidly obese and can’t walk for long--let alone do the physical activities I want to do like biking, hiking, and kayaking.  My left knee still doesn’t feel terribly stable.  So today I went and saw my Orthopedist.  Next week I will start going to physical therapy.  I am going to work hard to make sure I can begin to safely do the things I want to be able to do.

It isn’t enough to wait for my life to change before I work towards change.  I need to be proactive and make the changes that I can.

Affirmation Monday

I am trusted and trustworthy.

I have the freedom and power to choose what and how I eat.

I'm human--beautiful and flawed.

I am loved.

I'm brave and courageous.

Adventure Sunday

My first Adventure Sunday didn't turn out quite like I had planned.  Normally my husband sleeps during the day--he works at night.  Today he woke up early and we took the family to see a movie--"How to Train Your Dragon 2."  It was excellent!  We really, really enjoyed it.  Afterwards, we handed the kids over to my mother and then hubby and I went and saw a second movie!  It's been years since I've seen two movies in a row.  We saw "Edge of Tomorrow"  It was entertaining.  I was pleasantly surprised.  The trailers for it suck, but the movie was fun.

I didn't really do much for myself alone, but I was glad for the chance to spend some time with my family.

Planning An Adventure...

I have decided to conduct an experiment for my life.  I know of an activity in counseling that asks the person to imagine what her life would be in a perfect world.  What would a day look like?  What would she do?  And then the person is asked to do it--live a day in that perfect life.  

I did kind of type up a day in my life to see if I could fit everything in.  It didn’t work out so well…

What about trying to live a little closer to what I want my life to be like?  

So I’ve chosen Sundays as my day.  I am going to choose at least one activity to do for me.  I am also going to make an effort to be healthier on that day.  What would I eat if I was living my best life?  I’m going to make an effort to exercise, or at least be active.  I might go for a walk or go swimming, or simply get outdoors and take a stroll.

I am going to document my little experiment and see where it takes me.  I have named this experiment, “Adventure Sundays.”  Back when I was an undergraduate, some friends and I had an ongoing “date” where we’d go have fun.  Sometimes we’d go eat a meal, or go roaming campus--we even went to the zoo.  We called it, “Adventure Friday.”  I could use a little adventure in my life...

Friday Art Journal

This particular collage is about me.  The parts of me wanting expression.  This is not all of me, but there are vital pieces of me here...

Voices

Choosing To Live

Last night I had a revelation.  It started out as an argument with my spouse.  It turned into my absolutely expressing some of my deepest and darkest thoughts.  I was brutally honest--that sometimes I do feel resentful; that I often feel neglected.  I also explained how much guilt I feel as well, and that a lot of the problem is inside me.  I must not believe that I am worthy of being treated well.  I treat myself like trash.  And I squash everything down.  The food helps me do that.  The food helps me not feel the self-loathing and it keeps me from feeling the pain of not feeling cherished and appreciated.

That’s when the conversation changed.  Releasing so much of that darkness, so much of that pain, I was able to declare that I deserve to be loved.  I am worthy of being fought for.  Although I feel empty inside sometimes, there is me buried in there somewhere.  And I am worth fighting for!

After that, we were both able to calm down a bit.  We had a long talk about how we are both waiting for life to begin.  We haven’t been the best parents--or even the parents we want to be.  We haven’t been there for each other like we could be.  Neither of us have really been present for work--we show up, but do not bring ourselves.  My husband called it “placeholders.”  We leave placeholders for what we actually want our lives to be.  And we wait.  And we refuse to live without the real things we want for our lives.

My life cannot be everything I want it to be.  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be a life I want to live.  Can I build my dream home right now?  No.  But I can work towards making the house I live in better.  Hell--even having a clean house makes me feel more at peace.  So why not start to work towards being happier with what I have now?  Can I travel to Japan?  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But what’s stopping me from a day trip to the beach?  What’s stopping me from driving to the next town over?  I may not be able to afford antiques at the shops, but why can’t I window shop?  Why can’t I walk in the woods and take pictures?  Only because I choose to sit at home on my ass and wait for life.

It’s time to choose to live.  It’s scary.  It’s important.  I don’t know how to do it.  But I’m even more frightened of never trying at all.

What Do I Want From Life?

I want to feel good most days.

I want to travel frequently--visiting familiar places as well as places I’ve never seen before

I want to experience life--I want to see, smell, hear, taste, and touch the world around me

I want to spend time outdoors

I want to kayak and canoe

I want to be an artist--photography, collage, drawing, painting, digital collage

I want to make a difference in the world through education

I want to spend time with my husband and kids

I want to spend time with my friends

I want to be mindful and meditative

I want to feel confident and secure in myself

I want to lose the weight

I want to sit outside in the evenings, swinging and sipping on ice water

I want to float in the pool and look up at the sky

I want to explore the world

I want to walk in the woods

I want to touch ancient buildings

I want to pet soft animals

I want to see animals in the wild

I want to grow fresh herbs, fruits and veggies

I want to show my grandchildren how incredible and full of possibility life can be

I want to soak in the hot tub after a long day

I want to read great works of literature

I want to enjoy my time with me

I want to have a best friend that I can call and talk to

I want to be a musician

I want to be able to play the drums and sing at the same time

I want to be able to hike, climb, jog, and run

I want to be able to walk without fear

I want to help others

I want to feel like I can make a difference

I want to be cherished

I want to be appreciated

I want freedom

Bring On The Pain

I don’t know if people can be addicted to food.  I’ve read arguments for and against the idea, and to be honest, I just really don’t know.  I know that I have issues with food.  I think I have been using food to self-medicate against depression.  And I’ve been doing it for a long time.  I think it started because I needed help when I felt overwhelmingly helpless.  There have been times in my life that I felt absolutely vulnerable and not in control of my life.  When I was unable to change the circumstances I was in, did I turn to eating to numb the pain?  Did I eat so I wouldn’t have to face my problems?  Yep--I’m pretty sure that some of the problems come from those days.

I’m also a people-pleaser.  I don’t like to disappoint others, and I have a difficult (if not impossible!) time saying no.  So I sacrifice what I need and what I want.  And when that means that I no longer have the time, or the money for the things I need and want… well then I eat.  I eat because I can.  Because it feels good.  Because despite whatever is going on in my life, I know that for a brief time I can have instant gratification.  I can feel good.  I can escape.  I can feel satisfied and full, instead of empty and alone.

It’s kind of scary to put all this down.  These are places I don’t go.  I don’t shine the flashlight in the dark corners.  If the boogeyman is coming to get me, I don’t want to see him.  If I can’t deal, then why worry and struggle?

But I’m working on it.  I want to change; I need to change.  I can’t continue to just exist and numb away life.  I want to live.  And that means accepting that I will feel pain.  I will hurt.  And I will have to allow the pain in.  It’s the only way to let in the good too.  I have to be open.  And I’m trying--really trying.  I’m working against years of conditioning.  It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.

I guess what I’m saying is, bring on the pain.  I don’t know how well I will handle it, or if I’m even ready to handle it.  But I want to try.  So bring it on.