Bring On The Pain

I don’t know if people can be addicted to food.  I’ve read arguments for and against the idea, and to be honest, I just really don’t know.  I know that I have issues with food.  I think I have been using food to self-medicate against depression.  And I’ve been doing it for a long time.  I think it started because I needed help when I felt overwhelmingly helpless.  There have been times in my life that I felt absolutely vulnerable and not in control of my life.  When I was unable to change the circumstances I was in, did I turn to eating to numb the pain?  Did I eat so I wouldn’t have to face my problems?  Yep--I’m pretty sure that some of the problems come from those days.

I’m also a people-pleaser.  I don’t like to disappoint others, and I have a difficult (if not impossible!) time saying no.  So I sacrifice what I need and what I want.  And when that means that I no longer have the time, or the money for the things I need and want… well then I eat.  I eat because I can.  Because it feels good.  Because despite whatever is going on in my life, I know that for a brief time I can have instant gratification.  I can feel good.  I can escape.  I can feel satisfied and full, instead of empty and alone.

It’s kind of scary to put all this down.  These are places I don’t go.  I don’t shine the flashlight in the dark corners.  If the boogeyman is coming to get me, I don’t want to see him.  If I can’t deal, then why worry and struggle?

But I’m working on it.  I want to change; I need to change.  I can’t continue to just exist and numb away life.  I want to live.  And that means accepting that I will feel pain.  I will hurt.  And I will have to allow the pain in.  It’s the only way to let in the good too.  I have to be open.  And I’m trying--really trying.  I’m working against years of conditioning.  It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.

I guess what I’m saying is, bring on the pain.  I don’t know how well I will handle it, or if I’m even ready to handle it.  But I want to try.  So bring it on.