Choosing To Live

Last night I had a revelation.  It started out as an argument with my spouse.  It turned into my absolutely expressing some of my deepest and darkest thoughts.  I was brutally honest--that sometimes I do feel resentful; that I often feel neglected.  I also explained how much guilt I feel as well, and that a lot of the problem is inside me.  I must not believe that I am worthy of being treated well.  I treat myself like trash.  And I squash everything down.  The food helps me do that.  The food helps me not feel the self-loathing and it keeps me from feeling the pain of not feeling cherished and appreciated.

That’s when the conversation changed.  Releasing so much of that darkness, so much of that pain, I was able to declare that I deserve to be loved.  I am worthy of being fought for.  Although I feel empty inside sometimes, there is me buried in there somewhere.  And I am worth fighting for!

After that, we were both able to calm down a bit.  We had a long talk about how we are both waiting for life to begin.  We haven’t been the best parents--or even the parents we want to be.  We haven’t been there for each other like we could be.  Neither of us have really been present for work--we show up, but do not bring ourselves.  My husband called it “placeholders.”  We leave placeholders for what we actually want our lives to be.  And we wait.  And we refuse to live without the real things we want for our lives.

My life cannot be everything I want it to be.  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be a life I want to live.  Can I build my dream home right now?  No.  But I can work towards making the house I live in better.  Hell--even having a clean house makes me feel more at peace.  So why not start to work towards being happier with what I have now?  Can I travel to Japan?  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But what’s stopping me from a day trip to the beach?  What’s stopping me from driving to the next town over?  I may not be able to afford antiques at the shops, but why can’t I window shop?  Why can’t I walk in the woods and take pictures?  Only because I choose to sit at home on my ass and wait for life.

It’s time to choose to live.  It’s scary.  It’s important.  I don’t know how to do it.  But I’m even more frightened of never trying at all.