Choosing To Live

Last night I had a revelation.  It started out as an argument with my spouse.  It turned into my absolutely expressing some of my deepest and darkest thoughts.  I was brutally honest--that sometimes I do feel resentful; that I often feel neglected.  I also explained how much guilt I feel as well, and that a lot of the problem is inside me.  I must not believe that I am worthy of being treated well.  I treat myself like trash.  And I squash everything down.  The food helps me do that.  The food helps me not feel the self-loathing and it keeps me from feeling the pain of not feeling cherished and appreciated.

That’s when the conversation changed.  Releasing so much of that darkness, so much of that pain, I was able to declare that I deserve to be loved.  I am worthy of being fought for.  Although I feel empty inside sometimes, there is me buried in there somewhere.  And I am worth fighting for!

After that, we were both able to calm down a bit.  We had a long talk about how we are both waiting for life to begin.  We haven’t been the best parents--or even the parents we want to be.  We haven’t been there for each other like we could be.  Neither of us have really been present for work--we show up, but do not bring ourselves.  My husband called it “placeholders.”  We leave placeholders for what we actually want our lives to be.  And we wait.  And we refuse to live without the real things we want for our lives.

My life cannot be everything I want it to be.  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be a life I want to live.  Can I build my dream home right now?  No.  But I can work towards making the house I live in better.  Hell--even having a clean house makes me feel more at peace.  So why not start to work towards being happier with what I have now?  Can I travel to Japan?  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.  But what’s stopping me from a day trip to the beach?  What’s stopping me from driving to the next town over?  I may not be able to afford antiques at the shops, but why can’t I window shop?  Why can’t I walk in the woods and take pictures?  Only because I choose to sit at home on my ass and wait for life.

It’s time to choose to live.  It’s scary.  It’s important.  I don’t know how to do it.  But I’m even more frightened of never trying at all.

What Do I Want From Life?

I want to feel good most days.

I want to travel frequently--visiting familiar places as well as places I’ve never seen before

I want to experience life--I want to see, smell, hear, taste, and touch the world around me

I want to spend time outdoors

I want to kayak and canoe

I want to be an artist--photography, collage, drawing, painting, digital collage

I want to make a difference in the world through education

I want to spend time with my husband and kids

I want to spend time with my friends

I want to be mindful and meditative

I want to feel confident and secure in myself

I want to lose the weight

I want to sit outside in the evenings, swinging and sipping on ice water

I want to float in the pool and look up at the sky

I want to explore the world

I want to walk in the woods

I want to touch ancient buildings

I want to pet soft animals

I want to see animals in the wild

I want to grow fresh herbs, fruits and veggies

I want to show my grandchildren how incredible and full of possibility life can be

I want to soak in the hot tub after a long day

I want to read great works of literature

I want to enjoy my time with me

I want to have a best friend that I can call and talk to

I want to be a musician

I want to be able to play the drums and sing at the same time

I want to be able to hike, climb, jog, and run

I want to be able to walk without fear

I want to help others

I want to feel like I can make a difference

I want to be cherished

I want to be appreciated

I want freedom

Bring On The Pain

I don’t know if people can be addicted to food.  I’ve read arguments for and against the idea, and to be honest, I just really don’t know.  I know that I have issues with food.  I think I have been using food to self-medicate against depression.  And I’ve been doing it for a long time.  I think it started because I needed help when I felt overwhelmingly helpless.  There have been times in my life that I felt absolutely vulnerable and not in control of my life.  When I was unable to change the circumstances I was in, did I turn to eating to numb the pain?  Did I eat so I wouldn’t have to face my problems?  Yep--I’m pretty sure that some of the problems come from those days.

I’m also a people-pleaser.  I don’t like to disappoint others, and I have a difficult (if not impossible!) time saying no.  So I sacrifice what I need and what I want.  And when that means that I no longer have the time, or the money for the things I need and want… well then I eat.  I eat because I can.  Because it feels good.  Because despite whatever is going on in my life, I know that for a brief time I can have instant gratification.  I can feel good.  I can escape.  I can feel satisfied and full, instead of empty and alone.

It’s kind of scary to put all this down.  These are places I don’t go.  I don’t shine the flashlight in the dark corners.  If the boogeyman is coming to get me, I don’t want to see him.  If I can’t deal, then why worry and struggle?

But I’m working on it.  I want to change; I need to change.  I can’t continue to just exist and numb away life.  I want to live.  And that means accepting that I will feel pain.  I will hurt.  And I will have to allow the pain in.  It’s the only way to let in the good too.  I have to be open.  And I’m trying--really trying.  I’m working against years of conditioning.  It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.

I guess what I’m saying is, bring on the pain.  I don’t know how well I will handle it, or if I’m even ready to handle it.  But I want to try.  So bring it on.